Wow! I'm terrible at updating, aren't I? I can ramble a bunch of excuses, but sometimes it just comes down to the fact that updating is admitting that my life is crazy, hectic, and stressful. It's that double edge sword... I don't mind blabbing. In fact, some times it does feel good to purge and let it all out. But there are times when it seems very daunting... I'm a freak, I admit it! :)
Let's see, where are things at right now? Basically a stand-still. Forrest is now done working. It's good for him to have the time off, it just adds a little to my anxiety. We bounce checks with both our incomes. Now we have only one to survive on... Yikes... It also tangles up a lot of other "trickle down" factors. We will now have to change insurance to take my (very expensive) insurance. We've always used Forrest's as it was better than mine. Better coverage, lower co-pays/deductibles, etc. Now we switch. I guess that's not really a huge deal, but the insurance I have means we have to change all our doctors. We've had the same family doctor for 14 years. When I walk into the office, my doctor hugs me. He asks about the kids sports, family activities, etc. He knows our entire history and knows us as people. I have complete comfort going to him, and trust and respect his professional opinions. Now, we have to switch. We will also have to start over with a new oncologist. We've been working with the same people since this all started. They know every little detail of every little thing that we've been thru. I know the nurses on a personal level and can text/call them ANY time. Whether to make an appointment, ask a favor, or hang out - it doesn't matter. They're always there! ALWAYS! When something is going on with Forrest, we immediately have an oncologist and 4 nurses running to try to figure things out, and make things better. When Forrest has opinions, desires, or preferences, the doctor LISTENS to us. He respects our opinions and feelings, and works with what we want. We are never pushed or pressured to do something we are not 100% on board with. Now, after all these years, we have to start over. From the stories I've heard, that isn't always the case. In fact, I don't think it's even the norm. I think it might even be rather rare. I hate that we have to switch, but I recognize the fact that there is no way we can afford to keep our doctors and pay 30% of oncology bills. So, come September, we will find all new doctors and start at the beginning. When kiddos are sick, I will have to work with new nurses and doctors to set up appointments, and then drag them 30 miles to get them there. Same goes for Forrest... Difficult enough to get him to go to the doctor, now I have to drive half an hour just to get him there. No fun!
Hmmm... Time to whine about something else? :) I've always got more, haha!
There are times when I find myself in one of "those" moods. Today must be one of those days! :) Today, I feel frustrated. (I think that's the feeling, but I am not honestly sure...) People tell me on a regular basis what an inspiring family we have. They tell us how great it is that we do the things we do. We're told how amazing it is that we spend so much "family" time together. We are always trying to get out and do fun things as a family. People say they wish they could be like us. They want to look at each day and say, "Hey, let's make some memories! Let's live life to the fullest! Let's how important we are to each other today!" But, I sometimes wonder if they have really thought that through... Certainly, we try to take a lot of pictures, and we are constantly trying to make positive memories. We have bonds that are different than most families. We've laughed and cried with each other. We've talked about life and death. But our understanding runs deeper than usual (I think), given all that our family is dealing with. It's great that people look at us and see a close family, who love each other deeply, and spend a lot of time together. It doesn't bother me a bit that people look at that, and want it for their family. But, when I consider the process it's taken for my family to get to that point, it makes me shudder. The things in life that have brought us to these realizations are not things I'd want any family to face. Ever. :(
And, it looks wonderful on the outside, doesn't it? But what about when you really dig in? Now, I've never been shy, and I'm willing to talk openly about quite a bit. If I ever hesitate to talk, it's not my lack of desire to share. It's that I feel like such a downer. I can talk with a group of smiling friends, and in 2 sentences, I can have everyone frowning, hugging, and wiping tears. Who wants that??? Now my friends will always insist that they want me to talk, they want to know what's going on, they like when I share. But really??? I don't think they do. Who wants to hear the depressing details all the time? It's something that we fight with as a family, every day. And it's the little things that most people wouldn't even notice. Or, in isolation, think is normal. (Hmmm... I think I'm losing focus. Let's see if I have some examples that illustrate.)
Jessica: On the outside, all is well, right? But, there are the little things that eat away at her. She has a difficult time with friends at times. It manifests in different ways at different times. Sometimes, it's the lack of being able to relate to her friends. Her life experiences are so vastly different, she has a hard time relating to girls being upset that someone didn't come running over to notice their haircut (or any other silly reason, according to Jess.) Jess is frustrated that her friends are consumed by trivial things. They worry about "stupid stuff." She has a hard time relating the stress they have to the stress she feels. It can make her seem almost insensitive at times. She also needs constant reassurances from her friends, I think. She wants to know everything is okay with her friends, all the time. She's frustrated that her friends might be mad at her, and she doesn't know why. Still in line with friends, she has a difficult time understanding why her friends cry over something someone did. They feel terrible and cry on her shoulder and Jess comforts them. Then, the person Jess comforted will do the very same thing that made her cry, to someone else! Jess says she talks to her friends and says, "You know how that made you feel, why would you do that to someone else???" She has wisdom and understanding that surpass her 13 year old body. It can be challenging for her at times! Finally, she doesn't sleep at night. She's up all hours of the night. She may fall asleep, only to wake in the middle of the night. Or, she can't fall asleep until very late. I think it's the anxiety her body is feeling. That constant turmoil.
Luke: Luke has always been a very sensitive boy. He's always been patient, understanding, and very caring. But lately, we can see differences that just are not normal for him. First, he's VERY emotional. Now, all kids can be emotional. I get that. But Luke is definately at an extreme. He cries over anything and everything. All the time. We've also noticed some very destructive behaviors. It started with a wii controller. Ben came up to let us know that Luke broke a wii controller. I had no idea what he was talking about, but on further exploration, I found he had broken a nun chuck for the wii. No big deal. Accidents happen, right? But, this wasn't a casual, oops, I broke it. Luke CHEWED through the wire for the controller. What??!!??!! When I talked to him about it, he couldn't explain why he did it. He didn't know. Then we found a pair of underwear that were SHREDDED. At first Luke said they ripped. But when we looked at it, the waistband had been cut with a scissors. We asked again, Luke started to cry and said he was just so mad and he ripped it up because he was mad. It was like I'd been slapped. Luke? Angry? THAT angry? Oh my! I've recently found a tank top in the laundry that was also shredded. I assume the reasons are similar, but I didn't ask Luke about it. I don't know how long it's been down in the laundry, and sometimes it's not worth bringing it back up. But, these issues stem from the anxiety that is swarming inside of him and he doesn't know how to deal with it all. We try to talk to him about better ways to work through anger and frustration. But, I hate that he has to deal with this to begin with!
Benjamin: Even little Benny, at 5 years old, shows signs of stress. His latest this summer, has been an anxiety with separations. Any time Forrest or I leave, the boy will break down and sob. He will cling to us, and beg us not to go. If he realizes we are leaving anyway, he will cling even more and beg to come with. Ben has never been clingy like this. I'm not sure why he's feeling it all of a sudden, but it's been terrible. It's even worse if Forrest and I are both going somewhere! I dread to think what will happen when I have to go back to school, and when Ben starts school. :(
So, anyway, on the outside everything looks wonderful. But just under the surface, there are so many challenges we are trying work with! Each of the kids stresses. Little things with Forrest. (For example, each morning when I leave I give Forrest a kiss and hug. Not something unusual at all. But it's an important part of my routine. Each morning when I leave for work, Forrest is sleeping. When I kiss and hug him, I usually wake him a bit. Given how terribly he sleeps, I feel bad about waking him, but I have to. I check on Forrest each morning, at his request. He is terrified that something will happen and the kids will find him, and he's passed away.) I find it difficult to believe that anyone would want to have all these things hanging over their head to better appreciate how important their family is to each other!
Okay... I've been rambling quite at bit!!! I'm sorry! I'm not sure this makes any sense to anyone but me... O well!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Justified
I'll be the first to admit my headaches are a bit out of control. I fully understand that! I just don't have much I can do about it to change it. Things in my world are chaotic and stressful. It's the nature of my life lately. Perhaps I'm exaggerating and trying to justify the headaches. But if I listed the big concerns on my plate, I think most people would also feel some stress. At least a little! There never seems to be a break in reality to allow a moment to relax, breathe, and calm down. Now, I do find little moments to relax and enjoy the little moments of life. Yesterday, our shower head broke, mid-shower. (I could turn the shower on and off, but no longer adjust the temperature.) So, Luke and I hopped in the car and ran to Menard's. We goofed around at the store. Found the piece we needed. Remembered to grab a light bulb. And then decided we are going to learn how to play Farkle! We found Hot Sundae Pop Tarts, and decided we had to see if Jessica was right... Were they tastey? We laughed as we tried to see how many more things we could add and carry ~ we didn't think we'd need a cart. Heartbroken, Luke determined I was the winner. I had 8 items, he had 7. A quick grab at the isle and he announced a tie! :) The way home we continued our games. I started asking all kinds of random questions to the boy... He laughed as he tried to come up with the answers.
This was a fun little moment ~ Just Luke and I. But, in the back of my head the rest of it was still running full blast! Running through the back of my head I'm still working through a conversation with Forrest the other day. Forrest had really bad chest pains right before getting the flu. He couldn't get the pain to ease up, even with pain pills. Then he started throwing up, and felt even worse. Forrest lay in bed, exhausted, as I try to figure out what I can do to help him. He looks up at me and says, "It's going to hurt really bad, isn't it?" I assumed he was talking about getting sick again, but I asked what he meant. A tear rolled down his cheek as he said dying. :( Ugh! He's very scared... And so am I! :( We chatted for a bit. Now I know he was feeling miserable, but it was still difficult to hear him ask if it's still considered suicide if he's in so much pain, and dying anyway. :(
Yep, a bit o' stress. Add on that last night my daughter got sick at her last night of camp. She threw up. After the week we had, we knew she wasn't going to be better after throwing up once. It would linger. We packed up the kids, talked to the counselors and the director, grabbed a garbage can and bags, and left to get her. We arrived in Madison about 11:40. We got Jess, I signed her out, packed up her things and headed back home. The bumps and jiggles over Madison's streets weren't helping Jess, but she eventually managed to fall asleep. Just before 1:00am Jess sat up and said, "Mom help!" I grabbed the garbage can as she sat up and started throwing up. Luckily I had lined several layers of garbage bags, so I could twist off the main bag while she finished. Her belly settled, Jessica laid back trying to rest.
We couldn't pull off in the middle of the highway, but we knew there was an exit and gas station in a couple miles. We could stop there and re-group. As we pulled in, we saw the station was closed. :( Boo! But at least we could empty the garbage bags and put in fresh liners. Jess could also rinse her mouth with Gatorade and spit it out. As we finished up cleaning the car, and Jess, Forrest started shaking. I figured he was just chilled being out in the middle of the night. I asked Forrest if I could finish driving. He could sit back by Jessica. Fo said no, he'd drive. I figured his stomach may be too sensitive if Jess started throwing up again, so I let him continue driving.
We rolled into the garage about 2am. The kids all settled into bed, but something was wrong with Forrest. He was still shaking. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably. Without realizing, Forrest's blood sugar had plummeted. Not good. He drank a soda to try to quickly get some sugars in him. He couldn't stop shaking and still felt cold. I put him in a hot shower to try to get him under control. 30 minutes in a scalding hot shower, and the shakes were still there. Not as bad, but there. He was able to drink a little more. I tried to get him to eat some fruit or a sandwich, but his stomach was too unsettled. He was fighting to not throw up.
The hot water ran out, and I got Forrest dressed in warm, comfy clothes. After a bit, Forrest was able to sit without being too dizzy, and he was able to eat some cereal. At least something was going in. As he finished up, I got him a Percoset to help with his pain. (Only 5 left... Better be enough til Monday!) I checked on Jess and got Forrest to bed. He still wasn't doing great, but was a little better. I wanted to keep a close eye on him to make sure his sugars were better and he was going to be okay. About 4:30am I settled down enough, and had my own headache relaxed enough to try to fall asleep. Whew!
Wow! I really ramble! I should have just said ~ I get headaches. They're bad. I think they're from stress. I need to work on controlling them better!!
Have a great day all! I plan to lay low and keep an eye on all my babes... :)
This was a fun little moment ~ Just Luke and I. But, in the back of my head the rest of it was still running full blast! Running through the back of my head I'm still working through a conversation with Forrest the other day. Forrest had really bad chest pains right before getting the flu. He couldn't get the pain to ease up, even with pain pills. Then he started throwing up, and felt even worse. Forrest lay in bed, exhausted, as I try to figure out what I can do to help him. He looks up at me and says, "It's going to hurt really bad, isn't it?" I assumed he was talking about getting sick again, but I asked what he meant. A tear rolled down his cheek as he said dying. :( Ugh! He's very scared... And so am I! :( We chatted for a bit. Now I know he was feeling miserable, but it was still difficult to hear him ask if it's still considered suicide if he's in so much pain, and dying anyway. :(
Yep, a bit o' stress. Add on that last night my daughter got sick at her last night of camp. She threw up. After the week we had, we knew she wasn't going to be better after throwing up once. It would linger. We packed up the kids, talked to the counselors and the director, grabbed a garbage can and bags, and left to get her. We arrived in Madison about 11:40. We got Jess, I signed her out, packed up her things and headed back home. The bumps and jiggles over Madison's streets weren't helping Jess, but she eventually managed to fall asleep. Just before 1:00am Jess sat up and said, "Mom help!" I grabbed the garbage can as she sat up and started throwing up. Luckily I had lined several layers of garbage bags, so I could twist off the main bag while she finished. Her belly settled, Jessica laid back trying to rest.
We couldn't pull off in the middle of the highway, but we knew there was an exit and gas station in a couple miles. We could stop there and re-group. As we pulled in, we saw the station was closed. :( Boo! But at least we could empty the garbage bags and put in fresh liners. Jess could also rinse her mouth with Gatorade and spit it out. As we finished up cleaning the car, and Jess, Forrest started shaking. I figured he was just chilled being out in the middle of the night. I asked Forrest if I could finish driving. He could sit back by Jessica. Fo said no, he'd drive. I figured his stomach may be too sensitive if Jess started throwing up again, so I let him continue driving.
We rolled into the garage about 2am. The kids all settled into bed, but something was wrong with Forrest. He was still shaking. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably. Without realizing, Forrest's blood sugar had plummeted. Not good. He drank a soda to try to quickly get some sugars in him. He couldn't stop shaking and still felt cold. I put him in a hot shower to try to get him under control. 30 minutes in a scalding hot shower, and the shakes were still there. Not as bad, but there. He was able to drink a little more. I tried to get him to eat some fruit or a sandwich, but his stomach was too unsettled. He was fighting to not throw up.
The hot water ran out, and I got Forrest dressed in warm, comfy clothes. After a bit, Forrest was able to sit without being too dizzy, and he was able to eat some cereal. At least something was going in. As he finished up, I got him a Percoset to help with his pain. (Only 5 left... Better be enough til Monday!) I checked on Jess and got Forrest to bed. He still wasn't doing great, but was a little better. I wanted to keep a close eye on him to make sure his sugars were better and he was going to be okay. About 4:30am I settled down enough, and had my own headache relaxed enough to try to fall asleep. Whew!
Wow! I really ramble! I should have just said ~ I get headaches. They're bad. I think they're from stress. I need to work on controlling them better!!
Have a great day all! I plan to lay low and keep an eye on all my babes... :)
Friday, June 24, 2011
It's been a while...
It's been a while since I've journaled. :( When things are craziest, I retreat, I think. I always say I'm struggling to keep my head above water. When things get crazy, I'm under water and in survival mode. Now don't be fooled. Survival mode is anything but grand! In fact, I think I do a terrible job in survival mode. I drop all the balls I'm juggling in everyday life.
So, let's rewind a few days... Sunday, I dropped my daughter off on the campus of UW - Madison. (Insert scream here!) She's at an engineering camp. (Go Jess!) I'm proud that she wanted to do this and went after it ~ filling out apps, getting teacher recommendations, and applying for scholarships. But my 13 year old baby is in Madison for a week! Alone! Aaaahhhh! I comfort myself by saying she's having a blast. She now says she's going to be a biomedical engineer when she grows up. :) Can't wait to pick her up Sat. morning!!
Sunday night my 5 year old started feeling icky. Starting at midnight, until almost 5am, he threw up every half hour. :( Major frowny face! The poor guy was so wiped out, I had to hold his head up so he could puke in a bowl before I could carry him to the bathroom. He's finally feeling better, only a few complaints from time to time. And, I think the complaints are for sympathy so he can play video games.
So Monday morning, I crawled to summer school. Good thing I only teach 3 hours a day! Besides that, it's scrapbooking. The kids who signed up want to be here. Classes are nice! :) Monday was cool and raining, so a day of movies, video games and pajamas wa perfect for the boys! Especially considering my 9 yer old was also not feeling well now. His upset stomach came out the other end and he was running a fever. Monday night he was very hot and I couldn't get it down. The poor boy was shaking under the covers. It finally broke about 11:30pm after alternating Tylenol and Advil every two hours.
Luke and Ben both laid low Tuesday. Games were rained out, again, so there was no worry about the boys were feeling well enough to play! I ended up crashing... Trying to catch up on a bit of sleep as well!
Wed the boys seemed to be better. Luke had a game Wed evening. He played third and then had a sweet hit to the fence! He ran onto the field to pitch, when the skies opened up and started to pour. After about 10 minutes, with mo end in sight, the games were called. :( The boys changed to dry, toasty pajamas and were asleep a bit later. This is when Fo admitted he's having chest pain. He's had this before. It's a sharp, piercing pain in his chest. It hurts to breathe. Causes agony to cough or sneeze. Of course, he coughed all night.
You know things are really getting crappy when Fo asks me to make an appt to see the oncologist. Fo HATES the oncologist! He avoids it all costs! But, he's been having stomach issues as well. With the chest pain back now, he is concerned and wants to get in. I think that worries me more than anything. Fo has a pretty good read on his body. If he's worried, something must be going on, and I doubt it's good. :(
Forrest spent the day Thursday throwing up. But his appointment is scheduled for Monday. No games to worry about, so we all laid low. At least it was cold and rainy out, so we don't feel bad hanging out in the house! (Will summer ever get here??) Finally things slowed down Thursday night. Hopefully Forrest is better today! We all need to be healthy to go to Madison and get Jess! :)
So, let's rewind a few days... Sunday, I dropped my daughter off on the campus of UW - Madison. (Insert scream here!) She's at an engineering camp. (Go Jess!) I'm proud that she wanted to do this and went after it ~ filling out apps, getting teacher recommendations, and applying for scholarships. But my 13 year old baby is in Madison for a week! Alone! Aaaahhhh! I comfort myself by saying she's having a blast. She now says she's going to be a biomedical engineer when she grows up. :) Can't wait to pick her up Sat. morning!!
Sunday night my 5 year old started feeling icky. Starting at midnight, until almost 5am, he threw up every half hour. :( Major frowny face! The poor guy was so wiped out, I had to hold his head up so he could puke in a bowl before I could carry him to the bathroom. He's finally feeling better, only a few complaints from time to time. And, I think the complaints are for sympathy so he can play video games.
So Monday morning, I crawled to summer school. Good thing I only teach 3 hours a day! Besides that, it's scrapbooking. The kids who signed up want to be here. Classes are nice! :) Monday was cool and raining, so a day of movies, video games and pajamas wa perfect for the boys! Especially considering my 9 yer old was also not feeling well now. His upset stomach came out the other end and he was running a fever. Monday night he was very hot and I couldn't get it down. The poor boy was shaking under the covers. It finally broke about 11:30pm after alternating Tylenol and Advil every two hours.
Luke and Ben both laid low Tuesday. Games were rained out, again, so there was no worry about the boys were feeling well enough to play! I ended up crashing... Trying to catch up on a bit of sleep as well!
Wed the boys seemed to be better. Luke had a game Wed evening. He played third and then had a sweet hit to the fence! He ran onto the field to pitch, when the skies opened up and started to pour. After about 10 minutes, with mo end in sight, the games were called. :( The boys changed to dry, toasty pajamas and were asleep a bit later. This is when Fo admitted he's having chest pain. He's had this before. It's a sharp, piercing pain in his chest. It hurts to breathe. Causes agony to cough or sneeze. Of course, he coughed all night.
You know things are really getting crappy when Fo asks me to make an appt to see the oncologist. Fo HATES the oncologist! He avoids it all costs! But, he's been having stomach issues as well. With the chest pain back now, he is concerned and wants to get in. I think that worries me more than anything. Fo has a pretty good read on his body. If he's worried, something must be going on, and I doubt it's good. :(
Forrest spent the day Thursday throwing up. But his appointment is scheduled for Monday. No games to worry about, so we all laid low. At least it was cold and rainy out, so we don't feel bad hanging out in the house! (Will summer ever get here??) Finally things slowed down Thursday night. Hopefully Forrest is better today! We all need to be healthy to go to Madison and get Jess! :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Long Week...
Need I say more? :) Don't be fooled, you know I will! Haha!
But, really... It's been a VERY long week. I think it's carrying over from last week, but that's besides the point! Anyway... I whined about my situation with my principal. I still feel it's crappy, but I can't change the things that were said.
Wanna hear what is currently compounding it? I spoke with a union rep, and they talked with HR. Apparetly the head of HR was very disturbed to hear of what had been said. She talked with a couple other "higher ups" and told of the situation. One of which was the superintendant. Apparently I wasn't the only one to be upset about things that were said to me. Now I have to have a meeting at the district office. I assume they want a first hand account of what was said. (I hope that's all it is.) At least I know they are on my side and not calling me in to say I'm fired! :)
But, I fear the damage has been compounded. Not only has the principal expressed his lack of satisfaction with me. Now people above his head know of the situation, and don't approve of what was said. Even if it's only briefly mentioned, who's going to take the blame here? Yep. That's me. It'll be all my fault for all of this. And I still have to work with the same guy next year. I sincerely fear he will make my life a living.... (insert creative word of your choosing) Ick. Did I mention I hate this and it's driving me crazy? :( Boo!
Would you like to know another tidbit that has made my week? Forrest was supposed to have treatment Tues. Yep. Supposed to. That accurately implies he did not have treatment. Anyway, I was able to talk with one of the nurses to find out Forrest's CEA. Last time it was 146. Now, it's 290. Low blow. Sucks the wind right outta my sails. Eh. Who am I kidding? I didn't have any wind in my sails. That's been gone for quite a while now. But, I still don't have to like it, right? Cancer freakin' sucks.
So, after talking with Forrest, he mentioned that he might do a treatment or two of the full blown chemo. See if he can knock his numbers down. He'd do this over the summer. Is it bad that I'm heartbroken at the thought? I really don't want Forrest to be sick over summer. He thinks he can suck it up and do 2 treatments and it'll all be fine. No big deal. But, he forgets how sick he gets. It starts immediately and lingers forever. Forrest is sick on the pill based form of chemo. Full blown chemo? He'll be wiped out. For weeks... :( I really do prefer the summer where Forrest is able to go to the pool, go fishing, go to ball games, play on the diamonds with the kids, etc. I love that summer is happy memories and positive thoughts rather than sickness. I was really looking forward to a break. How selfish of me... :( I need to work on better supporting my hubby. :(
Okay, I need to stop whining for the night. It'll all work out. I need to let go and stop worrying about some of this. I can't make changes. Worrying won't help anything. In fact, it only makes things worse. My stress levels are through the roof. My head is splitting and muscles are dying from so much tension. So, I'll do my best to let go! :)
Have a great night!!
~Julie
But, really... It's been a VERY long week. I think it's carrying over from last week, but that's besides the point! Anyway... I whined about my situation with my principal. I still feel it's crappy, but I can't change the things that were said.
Wanna hear what is currently compounding it? I spoke with a union rep, and they talked with HR. Apparetly the head of HR was very disturbed to hear of what had been said. She talked with a couple other "higher ups" and told of the situation. One of which was the superintendant. Apparently I wasn't the only one to be upset about things that were said to me. Now I have to have a meeting at the district office. I assume they want a first hand account of what was said. (I hope that's all it is.) At least I know they are on my side and not calling me in to say I'm fired! :)
But, I fear the damage has been compounded. Not only has the principal expressed his lack of satisfaction with me. Now people above his head know of the situation, and don't approve of what was said. Even if it's only briefly mentioned, who's going to take the blame here? Yep. That's me. It'll be all my fault for all of this. And I still have to work with the same guy next year. I sincerely fear he will make my life a living.... (insert creative word of your choosing) Ick. Did I mention I hate this and it's driving me crazy? :( Boo!
Would you like to know another tidbit that has made my week? Forrest was supposed to have treatment Tues. Yep. Supposed to. That accurately implies he did not have treatment. Anyway, I was able to talk with one of the nurses to find out Forrest's CEA. Last time it was 146. Now, it's 290. Low blow. Sucks the wind right outta my sails. Eh. Who am I kidding? I didn't have any wind in my sails. That's been gone for quite a while now. But, I still don't have to like it, right? Cancer freakin' sucks.
So, after talking with Forrest, he mentioned that he might do a treatment or two of the full blown chemo. See if he can knock his numbers down. He'd do this over the summer. Is it bad that I'm heartbroken at the thought? I really don't want Forrest to be sick over summer. He thinks he can suck it up and do 2 treatments and it'll all be fine. No big deal. But, he forgets how sick he gets. It starts immediately and lingers forever. Forrest is sick on the pill based form of chemo. Full blown chemo? He'll be wiped out. For weeks... :( I really do prefer the summer where Forrest is able to go to the pool, go fishing, go to ball games, play on the diamonds with the kids, etc. I love that summer is happy memories and positive thoughts rather than sickness. I was really looking forward to a break. How selfish of me... :( I need to work on better supporting my hubby. :(
Okay, I need to stop whining for the night. It'll all work out. I need to let go and stop worrying about some of this. I can't make changes. Worrying won't help anything. In fact, it only makes things worse. My stress levels are through the roof. My head is splitting and muscles are dying from so much tension. So, I'll do my best to let go! :)
Have a great night!!
~Julie
Monday, May 23, 2011
Stress Much?
Personally, I think I initiate enough stress of my own. I think it breeds and runs rampant through my body. I try to manage it, but let's be real. I have a chiropractor who is sick of me saying I try to do things. He once asked me to try to stand. So I stood. He said no, don't actually stand. Just try to stand. Point taken. Do or do not. There is no try, right? Hmmm... I had a point I was going to make here... Let me get back to it! It drives me crazy that I have enough stress of my own. It irritates me even more when others initiate that stress... Allow me to illustrate...
Early last week, I recieved an email from my principal. Said he wanted to meet with me on Friday. Asked if I could get coverage for my class from 2:10-2:40. Instant panic... So, being the bold person that I am, I marched down to the office to ask about it. Well, I disguised it a bit, but my purpose was to find out what this meeting was about. I asked if we could meet earlier while the students were in Art. Therefore, I wouldn't need coverage. Principal said that would be just fine. So, I casually asked if I needed anything for the meeting, or if I should be worried. He laughed and said no, he just wanted to talk about the inclusionary model and I didn't need anything. He again assured me all was fine, and I went on my merry way.
Friday came and I wandered my way down to the office at 1:00. When the principal finally showed up, we started the meeting. He talked for about 30 seconds about full inclusion. (This year, I shared a classroom with a special education teacher. We have all the special ed kids in 5th grade in our room, and we co-teach the class. We've had a great year! We love working together!) In that first 30 seconds, he dropped the first little bomb. He said the special ed kids were not going to be in my classroom next year. He didn't think my classroom offered the best environment for the full inclusion model, as I have too many absences related to my husband's illness.
(It gets even better... Just wait...)
With a smooth transition, he said speaking of which, my absences were what he really wanted to talk about me with today. (Uh oh) He said he understands how difficult my situation is, but my absences were a problem. He said I wouldn't be able to continue to take off as much next year, as he feels it disrupts the students too much. He went on to say he doesn't feel as though I'm giving 110%, and 60-70% just wasn't enough. He went on a bit more, and I finally found some words and asked him if he wanted me to resign. I was told that if I could guarentee 110% and no absences, I would be fine. Otherwise, he didn't want me on his team. He said it wasn't fair to the students.
The lecture continued, offering a very weak argument. At one point, I asked if I should be concerned about a lay-off notice. He told me no, it was too late for that. Due process and all. (Nice, right?) He went on to say that if I continued to take off next school year for my husband's appointments and miss so much school, he would be forced to take disciplinary action. (What??!!??!! Did he really just say that??)
He went on to say he understands my situation, but the parent perception out there wasn't good. Any further information he gave at this point was based on parent perceptions. So, if there were parent concerns, wouldn't you make a point as the administrator to get in to that classroom to see what is, or isn't, going on?? He has never once stepped in our classroom to see us teach. I was even told that I don't return emails in a timely manner. Really? I have my email sent to my phone so I can get parent emails and respond right away.
As a form of conclusion, I was told that while he understood my situation, my absences were unacceptable and would not be allowed next year. He said I was going to have to make a decision as to my future at his school. Here I actually looked at him and said, "Unless my husband passes away over the summer, I don't foresee my situation changing." He said I was going to have to mull it over and get back to him with my decision. At this point, I think I was shell-shocked. It must have showed.
I had been in his office for almost half an hour. As the meeting came to a close, he said, "Clearly you're in no condition to be able to teach. Why don't you leave now and go home." Ok... You just talked to me about missing too much school, and now you're telling me to leave early? Right... I looked at the clock and said I have til 2:05 (35 minutes) to get myself together, and I'd be fine. He went further to say that was why he wanted to schedule our appointment toward the end of the day. He said he knew I'd be upset and that way I could just sneak out. Nice...
There are so many things about this that bother me... It's probably better for me not to go into details, as I think I'd still be petty about it. Instead, I'll just sum up by saying he obviously has NO IDEA what I'm going through, and he obviously doesn't understand FMLA laws... :(
Even though I know he's completely wrong, and what he did totters on illegal, I find myself even more stressed. The headache, neck and shoulder pain has only gotten worse. Ugh! :( I need a new job. Anyone hiring? :)
Early last week, I recieved an email from my principal. Said he wanted to meet with me on Friday. Asked if I could get coverage for my class from 2:10-2:40. Instant panic... So, being the bold person that I am, I marched down to the office to ask about it. Well, I disguised it a bit, but my purpose was to find out what this meeting was about. I asked if we could meet earlier while the students were in Art. Therefore, I wouldn't need coverage. Principal said that would be just fine. So, I casually asked if I needed anything for the meeting, or if I should be worried. He laughed and said no, he just wanted to talk about the inclusionary model and I didn't need anything. He again assured me all was fine, and I went on my merry way.
Friday came and I wandered my way down to the office at 1:00. When the principal finally showed up, we started the meeting. He talked for about 30 seconds about full inclusion. (This year, I shared a classroom with a special education teacher. We have all the special ed kids in 5th grade in our room, and we co-teach the class. We've had a great year! We love working together!) In that first 30 seconds, he dropped the first little bomb. He said the special ed kids were not going to be in my classroom next year. He didn't think my classroom offered the best environment for the full inclusion model, as I have too many absences related to my husband's illness.
(It gets even better... Just wait...)
With a smooth transition, he said speaking of which, my absences were what he really wanted to talk about me with today. (Uh oh) He said he understands how difficult my situation is, but my absences were a problem. He said I wouldn't be able to continue to take off as much next year, as he feels it disrupts the students too much. He went on to say he doesn't feel as though I'm giving 110%, and 60-70% just wasn't enough. He went on a bit more, and I finally found some words and asked him if he wanted me to resign. I was told that if I could guarentee 110% and no absences, I would be fine. Otherwise, he didn't want me on his team. He said it wasn't fair to the students.
The lecture continued, offering a very weak argument. At one point, I asked if I should be concerned about a lay-off notice. He told me no, it was too late for that. Due process and all. (Nice, right?) He went on to say that if I continued to take off next school year for my husband's appointments and miss so much school, he would be forced to take disciplinary action. (What??!!??!! Did he really just say that??)
He went on to say he understands my situation, but the parent perception out there wasn't good. Any further information he gave at this point was based on parent perceptions. So, if there were parent concerns, wouldn't you make a point as the administrator to get in to that classroom to see what is, or isn't, going on?? He has never once stepped in our classroom to see us teach. I was even told that I don't return emails in a timely manner. Really? I have my email sent to my phone so I can get parent emails and respond right away.
As a form of conclusion, I was told that while he understood my situation, my absences were unacceptable and would not be allowed next year. He said I was going to have to make a decision as to my future at his school. Here I actually looked at him and said, "Unless my husband passes away over the summer, I don't foresee my situation changing." He said I was going to have to mull it over and get back to him with my decision. At this point, I think I was shell-shocked. It must have showed.
I had been in his office for almost half an hour. As the meeting came to a close, he said, "Clearly you're in no condition to be able to teach. Why don't you leave now and go home." Ok... You just talked to me about missing too much school, and now you're telling me to leave early? Right... I looked at the clock and said I have til 2:05 (35 minutes) to get myself together, and I'd be fine. He went further to say that was why he wanted to schedule our appointment toward the end of the day. He said he knew I'd be upset and that way I could just sneak out. Nice...
There are so many things about this that bother me... It's probably better for me not to go into details, as I think I'd still be petty about it. Instead, I'll just sum up by saying he obviously has NO IDEA what I'm going through, and he obviously doesn't understand FMLA laws... :(
Even though I know he's completely wrong, and what he did totters on illegal, I find myself even more stressed. The headache, neck and shoulder pain has only gotten worse. Ugh! :( I need a new job. Anyone hiring? :)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Do I have a fever?
I must have a fever and be out of my mind. There can't possibly be any other excuse! Lately, my mind has been plagued with an obsessive idea. I want to have another baby. More specifically, I want to have another baby with Forrest.
At this point, I should illustrate what a terrible idea this is. Forrest and I can hardly make ends meet. Between normal expenses, and day to day crisis, we are barely scraping by. In fact there are many times when we are not even scraping, but are completely in over our heads. Add in the medical expenses we have, and we are really hurting. The debt continues to grow out of control... Not a good place to consider adding another mouth to feed, another body to clothe, and more feet to cover.
I also have the realilty that it will be one more person that I will have to raise on my own, all by myself. Three children will be incredibly challenging. But with each passing year, I assure myself the kids are a little older. They'll cope a little better. They'll have a few more memories. Etc.
At this point, I'm not honestly sure Forrest could even have another child if he wanted to. With all his body has been through, I fully expect that he's sterile. However, that doesn't keep my mind from wondering and wanting. And my biggest reason? I want one more piece of Forrest to be able to hold on to. That's the big and little of it. I just want one more piece of him left behind. One more connection to him. One more chance to see his blue eyes. Or to see the expressions he makes. Or to see his little smile. One more chance to have that quirky pointed ear. I want to have one more chance to see each and all of these things through my children.
I must be crazy, right? :)
At this point, I should illustrate what a terrible idea this is. Forrest and I can hardly make ends meet. Between normal expenses, and day to day crisis, we are barely scraping by. In fact there are many times when we are not even scraping, but are completely in over our heads. Add in the medical expenses we have, and we are really hurting. The debt continues to grow out of control... Not a good place to consider adding another mouth to feed, another body to clothe, and more feet to cover.
I also have the realilty that it will be one more person that I will have to raise on my own, all by myself. Three children will be incredibly challenging. But with each passing year, I assure myself the kids are a little older. They'll cope a little better. They'll have a few more memories. Etc.
At this point, I'm not honestly sure Forrest could even have another child if he wanted to. With all his body has been through, I fully expect that he's sterile. However, that doesn't keep my mind from wondering and wanting. And my biggest reason? I want one more piece of Forrest to be able to hold on to. That's the big and little of it. I just want one more piece of him left behind. One more connection to him. One more chance to see his blue eyes. Or to see the expressions he makes. Or to see his little smile. One more chance to have that quirky pointed ear. I want to have one more chance to see each and all of these things through my children.
I must be crazy, right? :)
Epiphany...
I had a moment today when I realized there will come a time when I am all alone... Now, this may not sound drastic to anyone else, but it almost sent me into a panic attack at the time! (Perhaps it was the day... I had 3 mild panic attacks. First came when my children's school tried to call my cell. Never good. Second, my principal sent an email requesting a meeting with him Friday at 2:15. Insert panic here! After a bit of investigation ~ that means I confronted the principal and asked what the meeting was about ~ anyway, I was assured it was nothing to worry about. Whew! Third, was the alone panic...)
So, I sat at a meeting. Not very exciting. At the end of the meeting, there were a couple ladies talking about school work and when they usually leave. These ladies typically leave work around 6:30-7:00 pm. (I cut out at 3:15 on a very good day, 4:30 on a not so good day.) As I gathered my things, I assured myself it was easier for them. Their kids were grown and they had time to spare. That's when it hit.
OH MY GOD! When my kids are grown and leave home to start their own lives, I will be COMPLETELY and utterly ALONE. No one to greet me at the door with smiles and kisses. Not even bickering kids to greet me. I'll come home to a dark, quiet house. Where I will spend the night by myself. Completely alone. Every night. Every day. This totally freaked me out and almost sent me into a tail spin! I don't think you can possibly have any idea what this did to me. The black hole this left in my stomach was terrifying.
I was, however, able to get myself under control in moments. From the time it took me to walk from the media center, back to my desk, I had it under control. (In case you're wondering, my classroom borders the media center. It was a quick walk.) I assured myself that even in the worse case scenario, my Benjamin would be my saving grace. He's only 5. Even if he moves out at 18, I have 13 years of company ahead before the "alone" sets in.
Now, I plan to live much longer than 13 years, so there will still be plenty of alone time. And I'd be lying if I said that didn't freak me out. I just figured I have plenty of time before it happens, so I'll worry about it later. :) I can procrastinate with the best of 'em! :)
So, I sat at a meeting. Not very exciting. At the end of the meeting, there were a couple ladies talking about school work and when they usually leave. These ladies typically leave work around 6:30-7:00 pm. (I cut out at 3:15 on a very good day, 4:30 on a not so good day.) As I gathered my things, I assured myself it was easier for them. Their kids were grown and they had time to spare. That's when it hit.
OH MY GOD! When my kids are grown and leave home to start their own lives, I will be COMPLETELY and utterly ALONE. No one to greet me at the door with smiles and kisses. Not even bickering kids to greet me. I'll come home to a dark, quiet house. Where I will spend the night by myself. Completely alone. Every night. Every day. This totally freaked me out and almost sent me into a tail spin! I don't think you can possibly have any idea what this did to me. The black hole this left in my stomach was terrifying.
I was, however, able to get myself under control in moments. From the time it took me to walk from the media center, back to my desk, I had it under control. (In case you're wondering, my classroom borders the media center. It was a quick walk.) I assured myself that even in the worse case scenario, my Benjamin would be my saving grace. He's only 5. Even if he moves out at 18, I have 13 years of company ahead before the "alone" sets in.
Now, I plan to live much longer than 13 years, so there will still be plenty of alone time. And I'd be lying if I said that didn't freak me out. I just figured I have plenty of time before it happens, so I'll worry about it later. :) I can procrastinate with the best of 'em! :)
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Eh.
So, I wonder...
I wonder how morbid it is that I asked my husband what music he'd want played at his funeral. I've talked with him about whether he'd want a church service. (In the end, we agreed his mom would really want one, so we decided which church.) I've explained my reasons for preferring creamation, and made sure that's okay with him. Some friends think we're at an advantage to have spoken about so many of these things, but really, there are so many more things that need to be talked about. So difficult bringing these things up, and facing these issues.
This week, my Jessica had a little melt down. She wants to know how Dad's really doing. Such a dangerous line to tread... I don't want to lie to her. I've always held firmly to that. But, I also don't want her consumed by worry. Certainly it would be founded worry, but I don't want it to take over her every thought. So, I gave her bits of information and she was satisfied with the answer, and didn't press for more.
But, do you know what really bothered me about my conversation with my daughter? As we're talking, she's sobbing... She starts to tell me how it drives her crazy that people ask her how her Dad's doing. I asked if it was adults or friends, and she said both. Jess said, "I'll just be walking along, having a good day, when Bam! Someone comes up to me and asks how Daddy is. Then that's all I can think about all day!" As I told Jessica she needs to tell people she'd rather not talk about it, and hopefully they'll stop asking, I thought to myself how people can be COMPLETE idiots!!!! Now, I guess I can't really blame the friends. They don't know any better, or probably don't realize what they are doing. But the adults? Why the hell would you ask a 12 year old girl how her dad is doing when you know damn well he's dying from cancer???? What on Earth could possibly make you think that's a good idea??? Ugh!
Another part of our conversation that bothered me was that Jessica says she hates talking to Mrs. Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt is the guidance counselor at the middle school. I asked why she doesn't like it. Jess gave a couple reasons. One of them was that Mrs. Schmidt will call her to her office early in the morning. Jess ends up getting very upset and crying during these sessions. She says she hates having to walk around the rest of the day having her friends ask what's the matter, and why was she crying. Makes perfect sense! I told Jessica to talk to her and explain that and ask if she can come in at the end of the day instead. Seems like a reasonable request. Jess also said that Mrs. Schmidt doesn't do anything. Jess says she pours her heart out. Apparently all Mrs. Schmidt says in return is, "I can't imagine what you're going through." I understand why Jess is frustrated! I would be too! I asked if she felt that way when she worked with the counselor at the elementary school. Jess immediately said NO! I guess the counselor at the elementary school lost her mother to cancer. She's shared with Jessica about her experiences, and Jessica feels that connection that someone else knows and understands what she's thinking and feeling.
So, the really frustrating part of this? Obviously, I can't ask the elementary counselor to work with Jessica. So, the next best alternative? Seek out a counselor, right? The real kicker here is that we don't qualify for this assistance. How crazy is that? Last summer I tried to jump through the hoops to check into counseling. I had my doubts as to what good it would do, but I'm at a point where I needed to try something. I need all the help I can get! Anyway, our insurance allowed 3 appointments to establish need. These appointments were preliminary, part of an employee assistance program... At the end of them, I'd see if I qualified to work with a counselor. So, I went to my 3 appointments. I talked, and talked. I listened to recommendations. And in the end? I was politely told that when my husband actually passes, then I'll qualify for assistance. Until then, I was on my own. Nice, right? :(
So, I need to figure out how to best help Jessica. I asked her if there was someone she'd rather talk to, or if there was someone she was comfortable. She said she likes talking to me best. I'm glad she is comfortable confiding in me, but how the hell am I supposed to help her? I don't have the answers to deal with this myself!!
And, when I'm consumed by all this, I wonder if the real killer in all this is the feelings of being in limbo... We're waiting. Waiting for the inevitable. And it's got us all trapped. I wonder if this would be better if we had closure. With the closure, we could pick up the pieces and work to move forward with life. It'd give us something to focus on and work toward. And in doing so, we'd finally have the support I think we need. How sick is that?
I don't wish for Forrest to pass. But, it's my reality. He will pass from this disease. Sooner than later. I watch him struggle. I watch him in pain. All the time. I watch him be sick from treatments. I've been watching this disease slowly eat away at my husband. I've watched this disease steal away his vitality, his strength, his energy. I've watched my children be hurt by this disease. I've watched the pain and sadness in their eyes and souls, knowing there's nothing I can do to take it away. I've watched this disease turn my life upside down, taking my family with... and there's nothing I can do to fix it. When I think of all the damage that has been done to my family, I wonder if we'd be better off with an ending than to continue to drag out the pain. :(
Ugh... I really do hate this... Every part of it...
I wonder how morbid it is that I asked my husband what music he'd want played at his funeral. I've talked with him about whether he'd want a church service. (In the end, we agreed his mom would really want one, so we decided which church.) I've explained my reasons for preferring creamation, and made sure that's okay with him. Some friends think we're at an advantage to have spoken about so many of these things, but really, there are so many more things that need to be talked about. So difficult bringing these things up, and facing these issues.
This week, my Jessica had a little melt down. She wants to know how Dad's really doing. Such a dangerous line to tread... I don't want to lie to her. I've always held firmly to that. But, I also don't want her consumed by worry. Certainly it would be founded worry, but I don't want it to take over her every thought. So, I gave her bits of information and she was satisfied with the answer, and didn't press for more.
But, do you know what really bothered me about my conversation with my daughter? As we're talking, she's sobbing... She starts to tell me how it drives her crazy that people ask her how her Dad's doing. I asked if it was adults or friends, and she said both. Jess said, "I'll just be walking along, having a good day, when Bam! Someone comes up to me and asks how Daddy is. Then that's all I can think about all day!" As I told Jessica she needs to tell people she'd rather not talk about it, and hopefully they'll stop asking, I thought to myself how people can be COMPLETE idiots!!!! Now, I guess I can't really blame the friends. They don't know any better, or probably don't realize what they are doing. But the adults? Why the hell would you ask a 12 year old girl how her dad is doing when you know damn well he's dying from cancer???? What on Earth could possibly make you think that's a good idea??? Ugh!
Another part of our conversation that bothered me was that Jessica says she hates talking to Mrs. Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt is the guidance counselor at the middle school. I asked why she doesn't like it. Jess gave a couple reasons. One of them was that Mrs. Schmidt will call her to her office early in the morning. Jess ends up getting very upset and crying during these sessions. She says she hates having to walk around the rest of the day having her friends ask what's the matter, and why was she crying. Makes perfect sense! I told Jessica to talk to her and explain that and ask if she can come in at the end of the day instead. Seems like a reasonable request. Jess also said that Mrs. Schmidt doesn't do anything. Jess says she pours her heart out. Apparently all Mrs. Schmidt says in return is, "I can't imagine what you're going through." I understand why Jess is frustrated! I would be too! I asked if she felt that way when she worked with the counselor at the elementary school. Jess immediately said NO! I guess the counselor at the elementary school lost her mother to cancer. She's shared with Jessica about her experiences, and Jessica feels that connection that someone else knows and understands what she's thinking and feeling.
So, the really frustrating part of this? Obviously, I can't ask the elementary counselor to work with Jessica. So, the next best alternative? Seek out a counselor, right? The real kicker here is that we don't qualify for this assistance. How crazy is that? Last summer I tried to jump through the hoops to check into counseling. I had my doubts as to what good it would do, but I'm at a point where I needed to try something. I need all the help I can get! Anyway, our insurance allowed 3 appointments to establish need. These appointments were preliminary, part of an employee assistance program... At the end of them, I'd see if I qualified to work with a counselor. So, I went to my 3 appointments. I talked, and talked. I listened to recommendations. And in the end? I was politely told that when my husband actually passes, then I'll qualify for assistance. Until then, I was on my own. Nice, right? :(
So, I need to figure out how to best help Jessica. I asked her if there was someone she'd rather talk to, or if there was someone she was comfortable. She said she likes talking to me best. I'm glad she is comfortable confiding in me, but how the hell am I supposed to help her? I don't have the answers to deal with this myself!!
And, when I'm consumed by all this, I wonder if the real killer in all this is the feelings of being in limbo... We're waiting. Waiting for the inevitable. And it's got us all trapped. I wonder if this would be better if we had closure. With the closure, we could pick up the pieces and work to move forward with life. It'd give us something to focus on and work toward. And in doing so, we'd finally have the support I think we need. How sick is that?
I don't wish for Forrest to pass. But, it's my reality. He will pass from this disease. Sooner than later. I watch him struggle. I watch him in pain. All the time. I watch him be sick from treatments. I've been watching this disease slowly eat away at my husband. I've watched this disease steal away his vitality, his strength, his energy. I've watched my children be hurt by this disease. I've watched the pain and sadness in their eyes and souls, knowing there's nothing I can do to take it away. I've watched this disease turn my life upside down, taking my family with... and there's nothing I can do to fix it. When I think of all the damage that has been done to my family, I wonder if we'd be better off with an ending than to continue to drag out the pain. :(
Ugh... I really do hate this... Every part of it...
Been a while...
Well, it's been a while since I've last posted. I seem to go in streaks, don't I? It's not intentional by any means. I actually like posting. I do think it's good to ramble and get the thoughts out of my mind. Things around here have just been hectic, I guess. Let's see if I can limit my words and blab it all out! :)
First, we had a wonderful Easter! :) I was able to convince Forrest to go see his parents over Easter. He wasn't sure he'd be able to make the trip down, as it's a very LONG car ride. Especially with 3 kids. But, all went well, and we were in New Orleans over Easter! :) The warmth and sun were wonderful! It was so nice to see Forrest's parents again, as well!
I had a friend say something about being out of town over the holiday. They thought we were crazy for being away from home. This person went on to say it couldn't possibly be fun to be away from home, and away from family. When I'd heard enough and could no longer restrain my comments, I told them just what my Easter was like...
We woke early Easter morning. The kids ran through Grandma and Grandpa's house looking for baskets and eggs. Grandma and Grandpa were able to witness the giggles and excitement of the kids first hand. After everyone found their eggs and baskets, we played ball in the backyard. We all showered and dressed, and headed into the city. There, we watched an Easter parade. The kids loved catching eggs filled with goodies, beads, flowers, and stuffed animals. We filled 3 bags with our loot from the parade. Then we wandered back to the French Quarter. We stopped at Cafe du Monde and had beignets. (Which Benjamin LOVES ~ especially since he thinks they're named after him! Ben A's! Haha) After we had our share of sugary donuts, we wandered through Jackson Square. We watched local artists casually create beautiful works of art. We walked through the park, and hung out on a bench. There, we sat back and soaked in the sun as jazz music wafted through the air. The boys ran around on the grass, playing. Jessica took in the flowers. Forrest and I sat back and relaxed. :) As the afternoon wore on, we wandered through local shops on our way back to the ferry. A quick boat ride across the river and we were back at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Luke chased lizards in the back yard. Jess and I found some lawn chairs and kicked back, working on our tan. Ben and Forrest threw a baseball around. After supper with the family, we were all back in the backyard enjoying the warm weather. I think we had the perfect Easter. :)
We enjoyed the rest of our time in New Orleans. We delayed an extra day, as the storms raged through the south. After seeing all the damage, I'm thankful we waited. We would have been driving right through the nasty storms and tornadoes. I can't imagine what that would have been like!! We arrived back in WI about midnight Thursday/Friday. We were all dismayed the warm weather hadn't followed us back! :( (I REALLY need to move South!)
It's been a busy week back to work. If I'm trying not to ramble, I should probably just gloss over here. It was a long week back at work. A little tummy trouble, but I'm fine. The major stress of the week involved a confusing text from my father-in-law. It said, "They put a stent in and she's still in ICU." I was very confused, and started texting back, as well as texting Forrest to try to figure out what was going on! Forrest's Mom had a heart attack and was in the hospital. She has 90% blockage. They put a stent in, and she's recovering in the hospital. At this point, I'm frustrated to have no more details than that! :( Forrest texted his dad, asking for an update, but we still don't have details. I tried to tell Forrest to fly back over the weekend. He said he'd wait until he knew what was going on. Pat would still be in the hospital anyway. He wants to wait and see what their going to do, and see if she'll need surgery. He also said he'd rather wait and go when he'd be able to help out. So, we'll wait and hope for good news. It makes me very thankful we were able to have some quality time together, something we don't get to do very often. It's also so scary, thinking we were just there and everything seemed fine!
Well, I'd better sign off... Before I go, one little thing to add. Forrest missed a treatment while we were on vacation. Forrest also wanted to switch the week he was going, so his next appointment will be the 17th of May. That means another month without treatment. Last time his numbers tripled after a month off. I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been on my thoughts... :( Forrest has had a rough week back. Certainly, stress has played a role in that. I think the cold weather has as well. Earlier this week, he could hardly walk. He also has been very run-down. I try to relax myself by saying it's the cold, stress, and recovery from vacation. Eating away at the corners of my mind, I'm certain it's also the growth of his tumors. Well, I can't do anything to change that, so I'll do my best to re-focus my energy!
Happy Mother's Day to all those mother's out there! I hope your day is wonderful! :) Take care! :)
First, we had a wonderful Easter! :) I was able to convince Forrest to go see his parents over Easter. He wasn't sure he'd be able to make the trip down, as it's a very LONG car ride. Especially with 3 kids. But, all went well, and we were in New Orleans over Easter! :) The warmth and sun were wonderful! It was so nice to see Forrest's parents again, as well!
I had a friend say something about being out of town over the holiday. They thought we were crazy for being away from home. This person went on to say it couldn't possibly be fun to be away from home, and away from family. When I'd heard enough and could no longer restrain my comments, I told them just what my Easter was like...
We woke early Easter morning. The kids ran through Grandma and Grandpa's house looking for baskets and eggs. Grandma and Grandpa were able to witness the giggles and excitement of the kids first hand. After everyone found their eggs and baskets, we played ball in the backyard. We all showered and dressed, and headed into the city. There, we watched an Easter parade. The kids loved catching eggs filled with goodies, beads, flowers, and stuffed animals. We filled 3 bags with our loot from the parade. Then we wandered back to the French Quarter. We stopped at Cafe du Monde and had beignets. (Which Benjamin LOVES ~ especially since he thinks they're named after him! Ben A's! Haha) After we had our share of sugary donuts, we wandered through Jackson Square. We watched local artists casually create beautiful works of art. We walked through the park, and hung out on a bench. There, we sat back and soaked in the sun as jazz music wafted through the air. The boys ran around on the grass, playing. Jessica took in the flowers. Forrest and I sat back and relaxed. :) As the afternoon wore on, we wandered through local shops on our way back to the ferry. A quick boat ride across the river and we were back at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Luke chased lizards in the back yard. Jess and I found some lawn chairs and kicked back, working on our tan. Ben and Forrest threw a baseball around. After supper with the family, we were all back in the backyard enjoying the warm weather. I think we had the perfect Easter. :)
We enjoyed the rest of our time in New Orleans. We delayed an extra day, as the storms raged through the south. After seeing all the damage, I'm thankful we waited. We would have been driving right through the nasty storms and tornadoes. I can't imagine what that would have been like!! We arrived back in WI about midnight Thursday/Friday. We were all dismayed the warm weather hadn't followed us back! :( (I REALLY need to move South!)
It's been a busy week back to work. If I'm trying not to ramble, I should probably just gloss over here. It was a long week back at work. A little tummy trouble, but I'm fine. The major stress of the week involved a confusing text from my father-in-law. It said, "They put a stent in and she's still in ICU." I was very confused, and started texting back, as well as texting Forrest to try to figure out what was going on! Forrest's Mom had a heart attack and was in the hospital. She has 90% blockage. They put a stent in, and she's recovering in the hospital. At this point, I'm frustrated to have no more details than that! :( Forrest texted his dad, asking for an update, but we still don't have details. I tried to tell Forrest to fly back over the weekend. He said he'd wait until he knew what was going on. Pat would still be in the hospital anyway. He wants to wait and see what their going to do, and see if she'll need surgery. He also said he'd rather wait and go when he'd be able to help out. So, we'll wait and hope for good news. It makes me very thankful we were able to have some quality time together, something we don't get to do very often. It's also so scary, thinking we were just there and everything seemed fine!
Well, I'd better sign off... Before I go, one little thing to add. Forrest missed a treatment while we were on vacation. Forrest also wanted to switch the week he was going, so his next appointment will be the 17th of May. That means another month without treatment. Last time his numbers tripled after a month off. I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been on my thoughts... :( Forrest has had a rough week back. Certainly, stress has played a role in that. I think the cold weather has as well. Earlier this week, he could hardly walk. He also has been very run-down. I try to relax myself by saying it's the cold, stress, and recovery from vacation. Eating away at the corners of my mind, I'm certain it's also the growth of his tumors. Well, I can't do anything to change that, so I'll do my best to re-focus my energy!
Happy Mother's Day to all those mother's out there! I hope your day is wonderful! :) Take care! :)
Sunday, April 17, 2011
What a week!
Well, I've been putting this post off for a while. I have no logical reason why, I've just been putting it off. I think it's better for me to vent and get it out, so here goes!
So, I posted Tuesday about chemo and all that fun. Wednesday, I actually found myself at the doctor. You see, I've been getting excruciating headaches... They swoop in and hang out for 4-5 days. Lately they've been getting worse and more frequent. So, I finally listened and went to get it checked out. Well, I've got a couple new prescriptions... A new one to try to prevent, and an amped up Vicodin ~ as the regular Vicodin wasn't helping take the edge off the headaches at all. We'll try this for a while and see if it helps. If not, I bump up the pain meds to Percoset. In the meantime, I have to have a CT scan. It'll be Wednesday. Now, I really, sincerely think the headaches are from stress. I can't imagine anything else being the cause. But this freaks me out in a major way. Seriously... I panic at times wondering the "what-ifs"... What if it is something more? I have a friend with a brain tumor who get debilitating headaches. Just enough to make me worry... I try to keep it in check. No need to worry til you know, right? Won't do a bit of good!
So, the week continues... Thursday night, I get a call from the counselor at school about Luke. He's been seeing the counselor for a while now. At first, he went with Jessica. He wasn't comfortable going alone. Then last year, Jess went on to middle school. Luke was back to going alone. He really didn't like it. He had a wonderful teacher who gave up her prep to go to the counselor with Luke. She provided that comfort and security he needed. A new year, and Luke's back on his own. He hasn't met with the counselor very often, and certainly hasn't sought out meeting with the counselor.
Thursday morning Luke went to his teacher and told her he needed to talk with the counselor, Miss J. He went on to say it needed to be today. Miss J and Luke's teacher realized the significance of this and Miss J met with him right away. She said Luke had a meltdown in her office. He cried. She cried. Very emotional. She said Luke's having a hard time with everything, and she needed a little more infomation. She said Luke's a bright boy and has been making some connections. She needed to know if he's making the right connections. I explained how Luke knows the numbers are up. I also explained how sick Forrest has been this week. I could easily see him connecting the two, instead of realizing the sickness was from chemo. We talked for a while. I cried the whole time. One of Luke's major worries ~ He doesn't want Daddy to die. :( It absolutely breaks my heart! :( He also feels Dad shouldn't be working. I'm sure he sees how exhausted Forrest is after working. He resents the time Forrest is away, and the time he spends in bed after working. :(
I appreciate how supportive the school is being. The counselor and Luke's teacher agree that right now, time spent with Dad is more important than school time. Luke's a good student, and can make up any work he misses. If Forrest and I would like, we can work out to have Luke go to school late, or get out a little early to spend some quality time with Forrest. Afternoons would probably work better. Ben would be at school and it would just be the two of them. If we let them know which days Luke will be leaving early, they can send work along with him. If Forrest and Luke feel like doing it, they can. If not, no big deal. The time they spend together is what's important. It's something that will be treasured later on. It means a lot to me that they support the needs of our family! :)
The pain reflected in my children's eyes is devastating to me. It eats away at me! I want, more than anything, to take their pain away! I wish I could. In the meantime, we'll continue to support them in every way possible. We continue to keep the lines of communication open. We continue to show them we love them each and every day.
Finally, my week ended lying in bed with my husband... Talking. As much as I need to vent, Forrest does too. He doesn't take that opportunity very often, but he needs it! He said he doesn't think he has much time left. He's hoping for one more summer. Just one more. Then he goes on to say that would work out well. One more summer, then he can die in October. If he dies the same month he was born, he hopes people will think more of his birthday than his death. A sobering conversation to say the least. :(
I hate to think of so little time left. But, I also hate to think of how much pain Forrest is in. He is miserable so much of the time. I've told him I think he should stop the chemo. It's makes him so very sick. And, we also can't afford for him to be off work. :(
So, it's been a long week. I guess that goes with the territory, right? For now, there's peace in the house... We keep moving forward... :)
So, I posted Tuesday about chemo and all that fun. Wednesday, I actually found myself at the doctor. You see, I've been getting excruciating headaches... They swoop in and hang out for 4-5 days. Lately they've been getting worse and more frequent. So, I finally listened and went to get it checked out. Well, I've got a couple new prescriptions... A new one to try to prevent, and an amped up Vicodin ~ as the regular Vicodin wasn't helping take the edge off the headaches at all. We'll try this for a while and see if it helps. If not, I bump up the pain meds to Percoset. In the meantime, I have to have a CT scan. It'll be Wednesday. Now, I really, sincerely think the headaches are from stress. I can't imagine anything else being the cause. But this freaks me out in a major way. Seriously... I panic at times wondering the "what-ifs"... What if it is something more? I have a friend with a brain tumor who get debilitating headaches. Just enough to make me worry... I try to keep it in check. No need to worry til you know, right? Won't do a bit of good!
So, the week continues... Thursday night, I get a call from the counselor at school about Luke. He's been seeing the counselor for a while now. At first, he went with Jessica. He wasn't comfortable going alone. Then last year, Jess went on to middle school. Luke was back to going alone. He really didn't like it. He had a wonderful teacher who gave up her prep to go to the counselor with Luke. She provided that comfort and security he needed. A new year, and Luke's back on his own. He hasn't met with the counselor very often, and certainly hasn't sought out meeting with the counselor.
Thursday morning Luke went to his teacher and told her he needed to talk with the counselor, Miss J. He went on to say it needed to be today. Miss J and Luke's teacher realized the significance of this and Miss J met with him right away. She said Luke had a meltdown in her office. He cried. She cried. Very emotional. She said Luke's having a hard time with everything, and she needed a little more infomation. She said Luke's a bright boy and has been making some connections. She needed to know if he's making the right connections. I explained how Luke knows the numbers are up. I also explained how sick Forrest has been this week. I could easily see him connecting the two, instead of realizing the sickness was from chemo. We talked for a while. I cried the whole time. One of Luke's major worries ~ He doesn't want Daddy to die. :( It absolutely breaks my heart! :( He also feels Dad shouldn't be working. I'm sure he sees how exhausted Forrest is after working. He resents the time Forrest is away, and the time he spends in bed after working. :(
I appreciate how supportive the school is being. The counselor and Luke's teacher agree that right now, time spent with Dad is more important than school time. Luke's a good student, and can make up any work he misses. If Forrest and I would like, we can work out to have Luke go to school late, or get out a little early to spend some quality time with Forrest. Afternoons would probably work better. Ben would be at school and it would just be the two of them. If we let them know which days Luke will be leaving early, they can send work along with him. If Forrest and Luke feel like doing it, they can. If not, no big deal. The time they spend together is what's important. It's something that will be treasured later on. It means a lot to me that they support the needs of our family! :)
The pain reflected in my children's eyes is devastating to me. It eats away at me! I want, more than anything, to take their pain away! I wish I could. In the meantime, we'll continue to support them in every way possible. We continue to keep the lines of communication open. We continue to show them we love them each and every day.
Finally, my week ended lying in bed with my husband... Talking. As much as I need to vent, Forrest does too. He doesn't take that opportunity very often, but he needs it! He said he doesn't think he has much time left. He's hoping for one more summer. Just one more. Then he goes on to say that would work out well. One more summer, then he can die in October. If he dies the same month he was born, he hopes people will think more of his birthday than his death. A sobering conversation to say the least. :(
I hate to think of so little time left. But, I also hate to think of how much pain Forrest is in. He is miserable so much of the time. I've told him I think he should stop the chemo. It's makes him so very sick. And, we also can't afford for him to be off work. :(
So, it's been a long week. I guess that goes with the territory, right? For now, there's peace in the house... We keep moving forward... :)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
My fantasy...
I have this fantasy. I think of it from time to time. I imagine how wonderful it would be. Sometimes, I even wish it were a possibility!
My fantasy? Not really all that exciting. I think if anything, it's a testament to the stress I've felt. What I'd really like to do, is get in my Jeep and drive... Just me... Driving... I'd head East first, to the coast. From there I'd wander South. When I found a nice warm spot with nice beaches, I'd stop. I imagine myself kicked back in a lawn chair, perhaps a fruity drink in hand. I want to feel the warm sand between my toes. I want to sit back, as if I haven't got a worry in the world. I imagine the waves of the ocean would wash away my stress as I sit on the beach. It sounds wonderful to me!
I think the journey is also part of the process. The drive... I do some of my best thinking while driving. (Perhaps that's why I'm such a terrible driver! Haha!) I feel the need to re-connect with myself. I think of a friend's post and how his life has changed and continues to change in relation to cancer. At this point, I feel as though I am defined by cancer. It's what I live, eat, and breathe. Every decision I make, is to some extent, driven by cancer. Even if it's not obviously related to cancer, I still have the thoughts running in the background... I find myself considering any given situation in relation to cancer. It's become my world, and consumes every aspect of every day.
Now, I've never regretted our ordeal. What's to regret? It's not like we were given a choice in the matter! If I had known, going in, that Forrest was going to end up with cancer, I'd have married him anyway! I wouldn't change any of those things. But, there are times when I wonder who I am. Or who I will be when Forrest passes. What will happen when I no longer have cancer as my focus? What will be left?
This is where I think the journey would be wonderful. A chance to rediscover myself. A chance to do some soul searching. I think it would be a very healthy thing to do. I also think the relaxation would be very good for me. I really do! I just happen to know it's an impossible dream.
I can't really escape my reality, no matter how much I'd like to. Even if I went on a trip alone, my thoughts would be of my family. I would worry and wonder how they were doing all day long. I don't think it'd be as relaxing as I'd like it to be. But I think I do need to find a way to get in my own head. I need to wrestle with the thoughts there and try to make some sense of it. I need to find myself again and maintain that as much as possible. I think it may be an important step in trying to maintain my health. So, I'll snap my fingers, count to 3, spin in a circle, and Shazam! Good as new! :)
Forrest knows of my fantasy... He wants me to go very badly. He is consumed by guilt watching my health deteriorate. He tells me I'm his cancer, and he's killing me faster than the cancer is killing him. Forrest thinks some time away would give me a chance to re-connect and rejuvinate. He also hopes it would help me to find faith. I laugh at him as he tries to find places for me to go over my spring break. We don't have the money to do something so silly! And I don't think a beach will magically melt away my stress. I'm sure a get-a-way would be nice, but we should go as a family. Not me on my own. But, Forrest continues to say it'd be worth it. If it helped at all, it would be worth it. He says maybe the headaches would subside. Maybe I'd relieve a little stress. Any amount would be better than where I am now. Perhaps he's right. Maybe it would help. Then again, it may not do anything and I'd have wasted time and money!
Oh well...
My fantasy? Not really all that exciting. I think if anything, it's a testament to the stress I've felt. What I'd really like to do, is get in my Jeep and drive... Just me... Driving... I'd head East first, to the coast. From there I'd wander South. When I found a nice warm spot with nice beaches, I'd stop. I imagine myself kicked back in a lawn chair, perhaps a fruity drink in hand. I want to feel the warm sand between my toes. I want to sit back, as if I haven't got a worry in the world. I imagine the waves of the ocean would wash away my stress as I sit on the beach. It sounds wonderful to me!
I think the journey is also part of the process. The drive... I do some of my best thinking while driving. (Perhaps that's why I'm such a terrible driver! Haha!) I feel the need to re-connect with myself. I think of a friend's post and how his life has changed and continues to change in relation to cancer. At this point, I feel as though I am defined by cancer. It's what I live, eat, and breathe. Every decision I make, is to some extent, driven by cancer. Even if it's not obviously related to cancer, I still have the thoughts running in the background... I find myself considering any given situation in relation to cancer. It's become my world, and consumes every aspect of every day.
Now, I've never regretted our ordeal. What's to regret? It's not like we were given a choice in the matter! If I had known, going in, that Forrest was going to end up with cancer, I'd have married him anyway! I wouldn't change any of those things. But, there are times when I wonder who I am. Or who I will be when Forrest passes. What will happen when I no longer have cancer as my focus? What will be left?
This is where I think the journey would be wonderful. A chance to rediscover myself. A chance to do some soul searching. I think it would be a very healthy thing to do. I also think the relaxation would be very good for me. I really do! I just happen to know it's an impossible dream.
I can't really escape my reality, no matter how much I'd like to. Even if I went on a trip alone, my thoughts would be of my family. I would worry and wonder how they were doing all day long. I don't think it'd be as relaxing as I'd like it to be. But I think I do need to find a way to get in my own head. I need to wrestle with the thoughts there and try to make some sense of it. I need to find myself again and maintain that as much as possible. I think it may be an important step in trying to maintain my health. So, I'll snap my fingers, count to 3, spin in a circle, and Shazam! Good as new! :)
Forrest knows of my fantasy... He wants me to go very badly. He is consumed by guilt watching my health deteriorate. He tells me I'm his cancer, and he's killing me faster than the cancer is killing him. Forrest thinks some time away would give me a chance to re-connect and rejuvinate. He also hopes it would help me to find faith. I laugh at him as he tries to find places for me to go over my spring break. We don't have the money to do something so silly! And I don't think a beach will magically melt away my stress. I'm sure a get-a-way would be nice, but we should go as a family. Not me on my own. But, Forrest continues to say it'd be worth it. If it helped at all, it would be worth it. He says maybe the headaches would subside. Maybe I'd relieve a little stress. Any amount would be better than where I am now. Perhaps he's right. Maybe it would help. Then again, it may not do anything and I'd have wasted time and money!
Oh well...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Struggles...
Life is full of little struggles, don't you think? Sometimes, I feel as though I just move from one struggle to the next... And, there are times I feel as though those little struggles are the size of mountains... :( But, I have been known to whine! :)
My struggles of the day started with Jessica staying home sick from school. Not really a big deal, but it's a chemo day... Insert worry... Next struggle, getting Forrest to get his butt out of bed and actually get to his appointment!!!!!!! This is much more difficult that you would imagine! Forrest DETESTS going.
So, dropped Benny at the babysitter and came back to drag Forrest by his toenails! Much to my surprise, he listened to me and got out of bed while I was gone! Woo hoo! Small victory! :) We met with the doctors, did all the basics, started treatment, and Fo slept... Slept HARD! Fo knew it was coming. He was exhausted going in. He hasn't been sleeping well at night. He was VERY tired before pumping in the pre-drugs. Add the drugs, and he was comatose!
I'm used to this. Forrest always sleeps during treatment. Sometimes, I think it's his avoidance mechanism. (I know it's the drugs, but it seems like a good way for Forrrest to escape, and not focus on what is being pumped into his body.) Anyway, this time he really crashed. It took 20+ minutes to wake him after treatment was done. And even then, it was just little peeks from under those eyelids, and minor movements of his hands. Eventually, I got his sweatshirt back on, got him standing, and moving. I held him up and steered as best I could!
I thanked my lucky stars yet again, as I walked out to the parking lot. This lot is ALWAYS full. I mean it. FULL! No spots. Ever. And yet, look at this? On the passenger side of the van, there was an empty spot! Amazing! This would make it a little easier to get Forrest into the van! Yay! :) (I try to always celebrate the small victories! I really try!) So, we ambled through the parking lot. I opened the door, and squeezed Forrest in... Lifting, his feet in, turning his body, closing the door. He was sleeping before I opened the driver side door!
Taking advantage of the sleeping babe, I was excited to have a Starbucks gift card in my pocket! Surely, Forrest wouldn't mind a quick stop off to pick up a caffinated drink! :) Right? I'd sweeten the deal by picking up a couple sandwiches from Arby's as well! Then, Forrest surely wouldn't complain! :) I sipped my drink while driving my snoring man home! :)
At home, I now had the challenge of getting Forrest into the house... Uh oh... I went to his side and opened the door. This was not going to be easy. I twisted, wiggled, pulled and pried... I managed to get a foot to the ground. Whew. Some more positioning and I had two feet on the ground. Now, Forrest is a big man. 6+ feet tall. 250ish pounds... Not easy to maneuver. I'm no lightweight myself, but it was difficult having to actually lift him out of the car!
Right about here was when I started to worry... It had taken me about 5 minutes to get Forrest out of the van. I was balancing him against the side of the van getting ready to open the door to the house, when I worried where Jessica was. The kids are not usually home when Forrest is like this, and today was worse than usual. Not good... :( But, there was truly nothing I could do at this point. I reached over, and opened the door with one hand on Fo. I began the support/steering process again.
2 steps. There are 2 little steps to get into our house. These were my mountains today! I shuffled Forrest up as close to the steps as I could, but then had to lift him to get his feet on the steps. Ugh... A few minutes later, we had Forrest up the steps and in the doorway. Jess was standing nearby... She's able to hide a lot and had her face well masked. But I knew this was scary to her. I couldn't blame her. I shuffled Forrest to a chair and sat him down to try to get him to eat. Jess warily sat down to eat as well.
Forrest ate with his eyes closed. Needed help lifting his glass of iced tea to his mouth. All this, Jessica carefully observed... My heart sank. :( I hate this at times, I really do. I was happy to see Forrest opening his eyes as a few minutes passed. Towards the end, I smiled to Forrest throwing curly fries at Jess to see if she could catch them in her mouth. Forrest's aim was TERRIBLE! Absolutely terrible! But it was just the light-hearted silliness she needed at that moment! Such a good man!
I shuffled Forrest off to bed and he slept away the afternoon. I found myself updating CaringBridge a bit before 5:00. I didn't have Forrest's CEA for today, but I know the nurses well. I quick texted one of them to see if it had come in. Now, I expected it to be up. I really did. He's had a month off, with no chemo. Numbers were bound to climb. So, I was seated at the couch, updating my journal entry on CaringBridge when my phone rang. I should have gotten up and walked out of the room to take the call. I knew it was the nurses. But, I thought I had this under control! It wasn't going to be a surprise that his CEA went up. I could handle this!
I answered and talked to the sweet nurse. She asked if I really wanted to know. I told her yes, of course! Then, she told me it tripled. Tripled... Tripled... Ugh... My eyes watered. My voice wavered. And Jess and Luke noticed. They understood. This call was about Dad, and Mom didn't like what she was hearing. The tears for both were immediate though they tried to hide it. Shoot! What had I done? I needed to get myself in check, and sound positive and upbeat while on the phone to help ease this... As the nurse told me the number was now 146.2, I smiled and said okay. It's just a number right? We chatted a little bit, and she recommended I have a martini. :) Wonderful idea! She also offered to buy me any drink I wanted if I wanted to meet her out at the bar later! :) So sweet. :)
I hung up, and the kids tried to settle down. I mentioned that one of his numbers were up, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't think either believed me. I also don't think either one wanted to know anything else...
SO... Tripled... My heart sinks... Forrest is never really bothered by the numbers. He's truly not. But I am. Always. If his numbers tripled in one month, what will happen when taking 3 months off for summer? The pit in my stomach is huge at the thought. I know our time is limited. I know I'd much rather have a summer full of happy memories, than chemo treatments. I know taking the summer off is the best thing for our family. But the reality of what this disease will do during the down-time is sobering... :( *Sigh*
Well, it's late. I'm tired. Don't think sleep will come, but I'm going to try. Sleep well, all! :)
My struggles of the day started with Jessica staying home sick from school. Not really a big deal, but it's a chemo day... Insert worry... Next struggle, getting Forrest to get his butt out of bed and actually get to his appointment!!!!!!! This is much more difficult that you would imagine! Forrest DETESTS going.
So, dropped Benny at the babysitter and came back to drag Forrest by his toenails! Much to my surprise, he listened to me and got out of bed while I was gone! Woo hoo! Small victory! :) We met with the doctors, did all the basics, started treatment, and Fo slept... Slept HARD! Fo knew it was coming. He was exhausted going in. He hasn't been sleeping well at night. He was VERY tired before pumping in the pre-drugs. Add the drugs, and he was comatose!
I'm used to this. Forrest always sleeps during treatment. Sometimes, I think it's his avoidance mechanism. (I know it's the drugs, but it seems like a good way for Forrrest to escape, and not focus on what is being pumped into his body.) Anyway, this time he really crashed. It took 20+ minutes to wake him after treatment was done. And even then, it was just little peeks from under those eyelids, and minor movements of his hands. Eventually, I got his sweatshirt back on, got him standing, and moving. I held him up and steered as best I could!
I thanked my lucky stars yet again, as I walked out to the parking lot. This lot is ALWAYS full. I mean it. FULL! No spots. Ever. And yet, look at this? On the passenger side of the van, there was an empty spot! Amazing! This would make it a little easier to get Forrest into the van! Yay! :) (I try to always celebrate the small victories! I really try!) So, we ambled through the parking lot. I opened the door, and squeezed Forrest in... Lifting, his feet in, turning his body, closing the door. He was sleeping before I opened the driver side door!
Taking advantage of the sleeping babe, I was excited to have a Starbucks gift card in my pocket! Surely, Forrest wouldn't mind a quick stop off to pick up a caffinated drink! :) Right? I'd sweeten the deal by picking up a couple sandwiches from Arby's as well! Then, Forrest surely wouldn't complain! :) I sipped my drink while driving my snoring man home! :)
At home, I now had the challenge of getting Forrest into the house... Uh oh... I went to his side and opened the door. This was not going to be easy. I twisted, wiggled, pulled and pried... I managed to get a foot to the ground. Whew. Some more positioning and I had two feet on the ground. Now, Forrest is a big man. 6+ feet tall. 250ish pounds... Not easy to maneuver. I'm no lightweight myself, but it was difficult having to actually lift him out of the car!
Right about here was when I started to worry... It had taken me about 5 minutes to get Forrest out of the van. I was balancing him against the side of the van getting ready to open the door to the house, when I worried where Jessica was. The kids are not usually home when Forrest is like this, and today was worse than usual. Not good... :( But, there was truly nothing I could do at this point. I reached over, and opened the door with one hand on Fo. I began the support/steering process again.
2 steps. There are 2 little steps to get into our house. These were my mountains today! I shuffled Forrest up as close to the steps as I could, but then had to lift him to get his feet on the steps. Ugh... A few minutes later, we had Forrest up the steps and in the doorway. Jess was standing nearby... She's able to hide a lot and had her face well masked. But I knew this was scary to her. I couldn't blame her. I shuffled Forrest to a chair and sat him down to try to get him to eat. Jess warily sat down to eat as well.
Forrest ate with his eyes closed. Needed help lifting his glass of iced tea to his mouth. All this, Jessica carefully observed... My heart sank. :( I hate this at times, I really do. I was happy to see Forrest opening his eyes as a few minutes passed. Towards the end, I smiled to Forrest throwing curly fries at Jess to see if she could catch them in her mouth. Forrest's aim was TERRIBLE! Absolutely terrible! But it was just the light-hearted silliness she needed at that moment! Such a good man!
I shuffled Forrest off to bed and he slept away the afternoon. I found myself updating CaringBridge a bit before 5:00. I didn't have Forrest's CEA for today, but I know the nurses well. I quick texted one of them to see if it had come in. Now, I expected it to be up. I really did. He's had a month off, with no chemo. Numbers were bound to climb. So, I was seated at the couch, updating my journal entry on CaringBridge when my phone rang. I should have gotten up and walked out of the room to take the call. I knew it was the nurses. But, I thought I had this under control! It wasn't going to be a surprise that his CEA went up. I could handle this!
I answered and talked to the sweet nurse. She asked if I really wanted to know. I told her yes, of course! Then, she told me it tripled. Tripled... Tripled... Ugh... My eyes watered. My voice wavered. And Jess and Luke noticed. They understood. This call was about Dad, and Mom didn't like what she was hearing. The tears for both were immediate though they tried to hide it. Shoot! What had I done? I needed to get myself in check, and sound positive and upbeat while on the phone to help ease this... As the nurse told me the number was now 146.2, I smiled and said okay. It's just a number right? We chatted a little bit, and she recommended I have a martini. :) Wonderful idea! She also offered to buy me any drink I wanted if I wanted to meet her out at the bar later! :) So sweet. :)
I hung up, and the kids tried to settle down. I mentioned that one of his numbers were up, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't think either believed me. I also don't think either one wanted to know anything else...
SO... Tripled... My heart sinks... Forrest is never really bothered by the numbers. He's truly not. But I am. Always. If his numbers tripled in one month, what will happen when taking 3 months off for summer? The pit in my stomach is huge at the thought. I know our time is limited. I know I'd much rather have a summer full of happy memories, than chemo treatments. I know taking the summer off is the best thing for our family. But the reality of what this disease will do during the down-time is sobering... :( *Sigh*
Well, it's late. I'm tired. Don't think sleep will come, but I'm going to try. Sleep well, all! :)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tubes
Now, my youngest lives in his own world. I think it'd be a fun place to visit... :)
So, his latest antics? Ben has declared he has tubes. Tubes in his "froat". Each tube represents a different type of food. Now, on the surface this doesn't seem like a big deal, right?
Imagine shopping at the store. Not the fun kind of shopping. This is the wait around to pick up your prescriptions because you didn't realize you were out of refills kind of shopping. Know what I mean? It's the, "Shoot, we need to go to another store after this because we don't have milk for cereal in the morning, and the kids are already going crazy!" kind of shopping. We wander around the isles. I think I'm amusing the kids. The kids think I'm giving them some new form of torture... Benjamin is on the verge of a breakdown... But Moooooo-oooooommmmm... I'm SOOOO firsty! Can't I just get some water??? Please???? Then I'll be able to walk more! Reawy! I will! After 30 minutes of this, I see a little cooler by the checkouts. Full of water! Perfect! Even more fun, it's all varieties of flavored water! Benjamin! Go pick out any flavor you want! You get to pick! Woo hoo! All happy right?
We check out and pay. I open the water and Ben gulps greedily! We hop in the Jeep to go get milk and Ben starts to cry. Frustrated, I ask what's wrong now??? Ben declares, "Mom, I SAID I wanted water." What?!?!?! I just got you water!!!! "But Mom. You got strawberry water. That filled up my fruit tube! Not my water tube! My water tube is still STARVIN'!!" Ugh! How do I compete with that? Clearly I'm at fault here! :)
This is also a very convenient at dinner time! "But Mom! My Besghetti (Spaghetti) tube is all filled up! All the way up to here!" (As he lifts his hands to the very top of his head.) Here's the twist to keep it fun... We clear the table. Clean up supper. And, Ben asks for a treat. "Benjamin Dayne! We JUST ate! You were too full to finish!" "But Mom, that was my besghetti tube. My candy tube is EMPTY!! All the way down to here!" (Showing off those cute toes!) Funny how that works! I've been so confused all these years!! I just didn't realize my chocolate tube was bigger than my other tubes! It explains everything!! :)
Curiously enough, Ben does have one tube that can never get full! Any guesses which tube it is? You'll never get it! I'm going to stall while you ponder...
I told Forrest I was hungry for his ribs on the grill the other day. Said I couldn't wait til it was warm enough for him to grill! (Also have to wait for the checkbook to fill up a little to get the ribs! Haha!) The kids all drooled a bit thinking how good they are... Ben pipes in, "I'm only eatin' that if we have watermelon with it!" The tubes must be connected! :)
Okay! Ready for the un-fillable tube? It's a specialty tube. Caters only to Circus Peanuts! Not real peanuts. Those orange candy thingys in the shape of a peanut. Do you know what I'm talking about? We found out this tube can never be filled around Ben's birthday. Grandma and Grandpa gave him a bag of circus peanuts for his birthday. When I tried to tell Ben he'd had enough, he assured me had plenty of room is his circus peanut tube. Said the highest it can ever get is about chest high. Never any worry of over-filling that one! :)
I adore his imagination! (Until his teacher tells me he tells non-stop stories... Especially when coloring. The whole time he colors he's making up stories. She says she loves to listen to him, and tries to find time to sit by him a bit when the class is coloring, just to hear what he'll come up with next! I can't help but cringe as I wonder what he's telling stories about! I'm sure there are ninjas and dinosaurs. Battles and super heros. Blood and guts. All that good stuff in a school setting! At least she laughed about it, and didn't recommend an ED referral! :)
On a side note, I yelled at Benjamin earlier in this post. You always know you're getting yelled at when Mom uses your middle name, right? Well, I wrote Benjamin Dayne. I stand corrected. Ben has officially changed his middle name. His is now:
So, his latest antics? Ben has declared he has tubes. Tubes in his "froat". Each tube represents a different type of food. Now, on the surface this doesn't seem like a big deal, right?
Imagine shopping at the store. Not the fun kind of shopping. This is the wait around to pick up your prescriptions because you didn't realize you were out of refills kind of shopping. Know what I mean? It's the, "Shoot, we need to go to another store after this because we don't have milk for cereal in the morning, and the kids are already going crazy!" kind of shopping. We wander around the isles. I think I'm amusing the kids. The kids think I'm giving them some new form of torture... Benjamin is on the verge of a breakdown... But Moooooo-oooooommmmm... I'm SOOOO firsty! Can't I just get some water??? Please???? Then I'll be able to walk more! Reawy! I will! After 30 minutes of this, I see a little cooler by the checkouts. Full of water! Perfect! Even more fun, it's all varieties of flavored water! Benjamin! Go pick out any flavor you want! You get to pick! Woo hoo! All happy right?
We check out and pay. I open the water and Ben gulps greedily! We hop in the Jeep to go get milk and Ben starts to cry. Frustrated, I ask what's wrong now??? Ben declares, "Mom, I SAID I wanted water." What?!?!?! I just got you water!!!! "But Mom. You got strawberry water. That filled up my fruit tube! Not my water tube! My water tube is still STARVIN'!!" Ugh! How do I compete with that? Clearly I'm at fault here! :)
This is also a very convenient at dinner time! "But Mom! My Besghetti (Spaghetti) tube is all filled up! All the way up to here!" (As he lifts his hands to the very top of his head.) Here's the twist to keep it fun... We clear the table. Clean up supper. And, Ben asks for a treat. "Benjamin Dayne! We JUST ate! You were too full to finish!" "But Mom, that was my besghetti tube. My candy tube is EMPTY!! All the way down to here!" (Showing off those cute toes!) Funny how that works! I've been so confused all these years!! I just didn't realize my chocolate tube was bigger than my other tubes! It explains everything!! :)
Curiously enough, Ben does have one tube that can never get full! Any guesses which tube it is? You'll never get it! I'm going to stall while you ponder...
I told Forrest I was hungry for his ribs on the grill the other day. Said I couldn't wait til it was warm enough for him to grill! (Also have to wait for the checkbook to fill up a little to get the ribs! Haha!) The kids all drooled a bit thinking how good they are... Ben pipes in, "I'm only eatin' that if we have watermelon with it!" The tubes must be connected! :)
Okay! Ready for the un-fillable tube? It's a specialty tube. Caters only to Circus Peanuts! Not real peanuts. Those orange candy thingys in the shape of a peanut. Do you know what I'm talking about? We found out this tube can never be filled around Ben's birthday. Grandma and Grandpa gave him a bag of circus peanuts for his birthday. When I tried to tell Ben he'd had enough, he assured me had plenty of room is his circus peanut tube. Said the highest it can ever get is about chest high. Never any worry of over-filling that one! :)
I adore his imagination! (Until his teacher tells me he tells non-stop stories... Especially when coloring. The whole time he colors he's making up stories. She says she loves to listen to him, and tries to find time to sit by him a bit when the class is coloring, just to hear what he'll come up with next! I can't help but cringe as I wonder what he's telling stories about! I'm sure there are ninjas and dinosaurs. Battles and super heros. Blood and guts. All that good stuff in a school setting! At least she laughed about it, and didn't recommend an ED referral! :)
On a side note, I yelled at Benjamin earlier in this post. You always know you're getting yelled at when Mom uses your middle name, right? Well, I wrote Benjamin Dayne. I stand corrected. Ben has officially changed his middle name. His is now:
Benjamin Captain America Dayne Bock
Has a little ring to it, doesn't it?
Have a wonderful night! Hug the ones you love. Even the ones you don't! :)
And... Now that I've rambled on about Ben, I think my next couple posts should be about Jess and Luke. Perhaps even a Forrest one. Everyone gets their turn! (Insert evil laugh here! Hehe!)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Baseball
Tis' the season! Found myself sitting at a meeting for baseball this evening! I opens that little window inside me that SO hopes spring will be here soon. I love baseball/softball season!! I really do! I can't quite explain it, because it certainly isn't that I loved playing softball growing up!!
In fact, I have terrible memories playing ball! I remember one year in particular. I rode my banana seat bicycle to practice. I was 8 or 9 years old. I had just bumped up to the next "level" of softball, and it was the first day of practice. I parked my bike, grabbed my glove and walked onto the field. I found the coach and got my new rec t-shirt. As girls continued coming up to the coach, he looked at me and asked, "What position do you play?" This simple question horrified me! Truly horrified! I had no idea what position I played!! I went where the coach told me to go! I couldn't have told you what place I played if my life depended on it! I mumbled something, and the coaches attention went onto someone else. While he was distracted, I snuck over to that banana seat, get-away bike and rode hard to get outta there! I never went back that season, and never signed up again.
Now I find myself in a whole new state of mind. There are so many things I love about the summer baseball season! I adore afternoons in the sun, acting as though there are few cares in the world. I love the smell of hotdogs at the concession stands, and ketchup dribbled down my Benjamin! The slushies on a hot day of all day tournaments. It all makes me smile. Running from practice to game, and back again. Juggling softball tournaments and baseball tournaments in two different towns and working it out to see every game.
I love that everything in the back of the van feels dusty, and that at any given moment, you can find an array of balls, gloves, lawn chairs and blankets. Always ready at a moments notice! An empty field was the perfect opportunity to get out and see if we could fake a game! From wiffle balls for Benjamin, big ol' softballs for Jess, and the crack of hardballs when Luke is up to bat. It's enchanting. Simply and absolutely enchanting!
Game time!
But, back to Luke actually playing! Again, he plays hard. He plays tough. He's always trying to run faster, hit harder, throw better. Doesn't matter if he's at practice or a game. He's always giving 110%. Even those last 10 minutes when practice is almost over! ;) I love that Luke takes it all in stride. Playing in a tournament game last year, he hit three homeruns over the fence. All in the same game. Even drew the attention of the opponents coach. I yelled, screamed, and cheered! It was amazing! What a way to end the tourney. Yet, at his next league game, he struck out twice. He kept at it though. He keeps working, practicing, and trying harder to continue to challenge himself.
And my Benjamin... Little Benny. Playing tee ball at 4 years old. You know what it is... Kid hits the ball, and everyone in the field runs to get it. The little one who hit the ball has no idea where to go. When the ball is fielded, coaches yell, "Throw it to first!" Even though first baseman is tangled up in the crowd who went for the ball. :) Then there's Benjamin. He's been dragged to games since he was born! He's been on the field already this season and knows where to run! He understands fielding a bit, because we all do it, and try to get each other out! (Funny how the family can never catch Ben! Hehe) And I laugh at my little man as I watch him out at first. Standing on the base, with a helmet two sizes too big... The coach is trying to make sure he knows where to go. I can almost hear as he rolls his eyes and says his favorite line, "I knooo-ooowww!" (Making it a two syllable word.) I giggle as I watch him chatting to the coach/ high school kid with a summer job. Benjamin is actually out there telling stories while he's waiting for his teammate to hit the ball. As we laugh and watch his expressive demeanor, Ben actually uses "air quotes" in his story! What could he possibly be saying that needed air quotes? And yet, I know from past experience, he knows exactly how to use them effectively! :) I can't wait to watch mob ball again! I can't wait for when the reverse the bat order, and Ben is last. After coming in at home, I love hearing him say he can't believe he hit a home run! :)
So ready for the season! :) LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF IT! :)
In fact, I have terrible memories playing ball! I remember one year in particular. I rode my banana seat bicycle to practice. I was 8 or 9 years old. I had just bumped up to the next "level" of softball, and it was the first day of practice. I parked my bike, grabbed my glove and walked onto the field. I found the coach and got my new rec t-shirt. As girls continued coming up to the coach, he looked at me and asked, "What position do you play?" This simple question horrified me! Truly horrified! I had no idea what position I played!! I went where the coach told me to go! I couldn't have told you what place I played if my life depended on it! I mumbled something, and the coaches attention went onto someone else. While he was distracted, I snuck over to that banana seat, get-away bike and rode hard to get outta there! I never went back that season, and never signed up again.
Now I find myself in a whole new state of mind. There are so many things I love about the summer baseball season! I adore afternoons in the sun, acting as though there are few cares in the world. I love the smell of hotdogs at the concession stands, and ketchup dribbled down my Benjamin! The slushies on a hot day of all day tournaments. It all makes me smile. Running from practice to game, and back again. Juggling softball tournaments and baseball tournaments in two different towns and working it out to see every game.
I love that everything in the back of the van feels dusty, and that at any given moment, you can find an array of balls, gloves, lawn chairs and blankets. Always ready at a moments notice! An empty field was the perfect opportunity to get out and see if we could fake a game! From wiffle balls for Benjamin, big ol' softballs for Jess, and the crack of hardballs when Luke is up to bat. It's enchanting. Simply and absolutely enchanting!
Game time!
Jessica at bat... I swell with pride as I think of her up to bat. Confident. Low in her stance. Waiting for her pitch. I love that even though most girls can't pitch, she swings at anything close. She WANTS to hit that ball! She wants to feel that connection and send the ball flying. Yet, she strikes out her fair share. Even so, her confidence never wavers. I know if I were at the plate, my focus would be so very different. I'd worry that I looked stupid. That everyone there would know I had no clue what I was doing. I'd worry I'd strike out. Again. And people might laugh, or think terrible thoughts about me. There'd be no chance of success, because I was too focused on everything else. Yet, my daughter gets up there. Again and again. She never falters or wavers! She focuses, in and zeros in on her target. I love that confidence, and that I find myself cheering her on ~ loudest parent in the stands, I swear! :)
My Luke... Onto my Luke and baseball! My oldest boy has always been a natural athlete. (He must get it from his mother! hahahaha!) I love that even though he's often the youngest on his team, he always plays hard. One of my first Luke baseball memories. I'm sitting on the bleachers surrounded by baseball moms watching the first practice. Many parents know each other and are happily chatting. Friendly moms start to introduce themselves to new faces ~ asking who their son is, what grade is he in, etc. I start to cringe. I try to sink down into my seat... Hoping that I don't draw the attention of anyone. Inevitably, I do. A parent catches my eye and asks who my boy is. I point out Luke and try to focus my attention back to the field. But she continues. "How old is he?" she innocently asks. This is what I was dreading... Luke is 6. His teammates are 8. There's a 7 or two, but Luke is by far the youngest. I swear I immediately had the attention of every parent on the bench. Some were calling up the rec on their cell phones! ;) Just then, Luke at shortstop, made an amazing catch. As he crashed to the ground, ball still in the glove, the parents visibly relaxed and mumbled... Oh, oh, he's pretty good! I relaxed and secretly thanked Luke for that! :)
And my Benjamin... Little Benny. Playing tee ball at 4 years old. You know what it is... Kid hits the ball, and everyone in the field runs to get it. The little one who hit the ball has no idea where to go. When the ball is fielded, coaches yell, "Throw it to first!" Even though first baseman is tangled up in the crowd who went for the ball. :) Then there's Benjamin. He's been dragged to games since he was born! He's been on the field already this season and knows where to run! He understands fielding a bit, because we all do it, and try to get each other out! (Funny how the family can never catch Ben! Hehe) And I laugh at my little man as I watch him out at first. Standing on the base, with a helmet two sizes too big... The coach is trying to make sure he knows where to go. I can almost hear as he rolls his eyes and says his favorite line, "I knooo-ooowww!" (Making it a two syllable word.) I giggle as I watch him chatting to the coach/ high school kid with a summer job. Benjamin is actually out there telling stories while he's waiting for his teammate to hit the ball. As we laugh and watch his expressive demeanor, Ben actually uses "air quotes" in his story! What could he possibly be saying that needed air quotes? And yet, I know from past experience, he knows exactly how to use them effectively! :) I can't wait to watch mob ball again! I can't wait for when the reverse the bat order, and Ben is last. After coming in at home, I love hearing him say he can't believe he hit a home run! :)
So ready for the season! :) LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF IT! :)
Another day
Hmmm... It's been a while since I've last posted. At least it feels that way! Life, right? Always too much to do, and not enough time!
So, had a crappy day yesterday! I admit it! It was crappy! I'm not sure what started it all... Just a grand combination of things, I guess. I was plagued with another wonderful headache! :( Ugh! So tired of the headaches. The throbbing pain. The lack of relief. The un-ending days of headache. Blech! I guess that alone is enough to wear a person down.
More and more, I find the glaring long-term effects of living with significant stress very obvious. 5+ years of constant stress has taken its toll on my body. I'd like to say I'm doing well with it, but I feel as though the pieces are falling around me. I have headaches daily. They vary in intensity, and I'm thankful for the days I don't feel like puking! :) I do wish the pain in my arms and hands would go away! That would be nice. Some days it gets so bad, I can hardly hold a pen. It's gotten to the point that I actually do all my correcting in marker. I don't have to hold the marker as firmly, so it doesn't put as much pressure on my hands. How sad is that? :( I don't really care for the alternative either. I figure stress has just progressed to my extremities... Doctor figures it's stress-induced carpal tunnel. I really, really don't want surgery. :(
So, yesterday I was having fun with headaches, while also finding myself unable to stop crying. I cried at the drop of a hat! Over anything! There was no real cause for the non-stop tears. And yet, there were so many reasons for the tears!
I hate watching my husband get more and more sick. I hate preparing for his death. I hate having conversations with him, involving things that will take place after he is gone. I hate watching my husband pop pills. Day after day. Over and over. To no real help. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the pills do help. Maybe the daily injections help. Maybe the blood pressure meds make a difference. Maybe the chemo pills buy time. But at what cost? Forrest has missed two treatments now. It's been 4 weeks since he's been able to do chemo. And he still feels like crap. I'd like to think he'd at least feel a little better. But Forrest's body is so very run-down, a month reprieve is not enough. I hate that!
I also have the nagging concerns about the upcoming months. Forrest's numbers were climbing. Climbing before he had this month off. Climbing enough to draw the doctors attention. Now he's had a month off. I have no idea what has been going on and growing during this time! I hate that! I also know Forrest has every intention of taking the summer off. I worry about that, yet agree with the decision completely. Forrest wants to be feeling well enough to watch the kids in swim lessons. He wants to feel well enough to throw the ball around the diamond with Jess and Luke. He wants to enjoy like and enjoy the children and the precious time we have, especially during the summer when the kids are off of school! I don't blame him in the slightest! If he said he was going to do chemo for the summer, I seriously think I'd try to talk him out of it. But, even so, the worry lingers. How much will things grow over the summer? Who knows.
I realize I should let go of those things I have no control over. I realize it doesn't a single bit of good to let my mind stray to these things. But, how can it not??? I mean really, how can you force yourself not to think? The harder I try not to think about something, the more I inevitably think about it! I try to keep things in perspective. Usually, I think I do a decent job at it. I guess yesterday was just not my day. Tomorrow will be better. :)
Such a negative post. :( I try very hard to keep positive. But I think this is real. Even the most positive person has difficult days. And I think it's important to allow yourself "down" days. You need to release, and not try to keep everything bottled inside! So, I'm going to stop busting myself up over this! And, I'll try to be back tonight with a more positive message! :)
So, had a crappy day yesterday! I admit it! It was crappy! I'm not sure what started it all... Just a grand combination of things, I guess. I was plagued with another wonderful headache! :( Ugh! So tired of the headaches. The throbbing pain. The lack of relief. The un-ending days of headache. Blech! I guess that alone is enough to wear a person down.
More and more, I find the glaring long-term effects of living with significant stress very obvious. 5+ years of constant stress has taken its toll on my body. I'd like to say I'm doing well with it, but I feel as though the pieces are falling around me. I have headaches daily. They vary in intensity, and I'm thankful for the days I don't feel like puking! :) I do wish the pain in my arms and hands would go away! That would be nice. Some days it gets so bad, I can hardly hold a pen. It's gotten to the point that I actually do all my correcting in marker. I don't have to hold the marker as firmly, so it doesn't put as much pressure on my hands. How sad is that? :( I don't really care for the alternative either. I figure stress has just progressed to my extremities... Doctor figures it's stress-induced carpal tunnel. I really, really don't want surgery. :(
So, yesterday I was having fun with headaches, while also finding myself unable to stop crying. I cried at the drop of a hat! Over anything! There was no real cause for the non-stop tears. And yet, there were so many reasons for the tears!
I hate watching my husband get more and more sick. I hate preparing for his death. I hate having conversations with him, involving things that will take place after he is gone. I hate watching my husband pop pills. Day after day. Over and over. To no real help. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the pills do help. Maybe the daily injections help. Maybe the blood pressure meds make a difference. Maybe the chemo pills buy time. But at what cost? Forrest has missed two treatments now. It's been 4 weeks since he's been able to do chemo. And he still feels like crap. I'd like to think he'd at least feel a little better. But Forrest's body is so very run-down, a month reprieve is not enough. I hate that!
I also have the nagging concerns about the upcoming months. Forrest's numbers were climbing. Climbing before he had this month off. Climbing enough to draw the doctors attention. Now he's had a month off. I have no idea what has been going on and growing during this time! I hate that! I also know Forrest has every intention of taking the summer off. I worry about that, yet agree with the decision completely. Forrest wants to be feeling well enough to watch the kids in swim lessons. He wants to feel well enough to throw the ball around the diamond with Jess and Luke. He wants to enjoy like and enjoy the children and the precious time we have, especially during the summer when the kids are off of school! I don't blame him in the slightest! If he said he was going to do chemo for the summer, I seriously think I'd try to talk him out of it. But, even so, the worry lingers. How much will things grow over the summer? Who knows.
I realize I should let go of those things I have no control over. I realize it doesn't a single bit of good to let my mind stray to these things. But, how can it not??? I mean really, how can you force yourself not to think? The harder I try not to think about something, the more I inevitably think about it! I try to keep things in perspective. Usually, I think I do a decent job at it. I guess yesterday was just not my day. Tomorrow will be better. :)
Such a negative post. :( I try very hard to keep positive. But I think this is real. Even the most positive person has difficult days. And I think it's important to allow yourself "down" days. You need to release, and not try to keep everything bottled inside! So, I'm going to stop busting myself up over this! And, I'll try to be back tonight with a more positive message! :)
Monday, March 28, 2011
I may regret this...
It's true. I really may regret this... I have a close cousin who is in a very bad place and wants to kill himself. I just saw his post on Facebook. "Put the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger..." It pissed me off... Before my sensible side could tell me otherwise, I fired off a message to his inbox. Now, I sit back and hope. I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way. I hope he makes a better choice. I hope he hears the love in my voice, even when I haven't always been able to be there. Here's what I sent... Before I let you read on, I should mention a quick thing... I'm not as negative on God as I imply in this letter. I do have questions. My faith isn't as strong as my husband's. At this point, my cousin is very negative and is lashing out on God. If I went all "bible belt" on him, I don't think he'd listen to a word I'd say. I'm hoping by leveling the playing field, there's a better chance he'll listen.
Hey Bugs!
It's been a while since we've had a chance to chat! Not that I don't care, rather, there's always too much going on. I hope you understand and forgive me for not keeping in touch!
Forgive me, again, for speaking my mind freely and openly... I'll never pretend that I think there's a God. I know that Forrest wishes I had a stronger faith. I think it would give him peace of mind, knowing he's dying. But, if there really is a God, why would he put people through the things he does? People always say, "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." What a bunch of bull! What if it does kill you??? And how about the other favorite people tell me. "God never gives you more than you can handle." Bullshit. If that were true, there wouldn't be suicide.
Which brings me to my point. It hurts me in a very personal way to think you'd consider ending your life. Forrest would give anything in the world for more time, and you're willing to throw it away so carelessly. It pisses me off, honestly. It makes me cry. I wish Forrest could have the life you're willing to throw away. I don't care about God and the repercussions of suicide. That's not what this is about. If you can, have a little respect for someone I thought you liked. Don't think about killing yourself. Re-direct and re-focus your energy. Killing yourself may seem like the easy way out. Perhaps you think no one cares anyway. Again, BULLSHIT!! I love you Ryan. Forrest does too. And, frankly, I'll be PISSED if you choose to take your life.
I realize you have a lot going on. I realize things look hopeless. I realize you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. We all have these feelings. Every single person feels this from time to time. I've been living a nightmare for the last 5 years. I struggle to make it through the days, and I can't sleep at night. I'm haunted by the images of someone I love being very sick. I'm terrified of raising 3 children alone. I worry the kids won't remember their Daddy, and I worry that seeing their Daddy die may permanently wound every fiber of their being. And, I'm the one who has to be here to try to pick the pieces up and keep going. I don't look forward to it, to say the least.
Ryan, I'm rambling on. I guess, if I leave you with nothing else, know I love you. I love you very much!! I have the sweetest memories of you growing up. I feel more like you're my little brother than my cousin. I haven't done a very good job keeping in touch, but that doesn't change the fact that I care and always have. I'd do whatever I could to help you out. One other thing I want you to know is that things will change. It's inevitable. You have to make a choice. You have to choose every day to find the good around you. You have to make the choice, again and again, to keep moving forward. Some days are harder than others, but you have to find it within you to keep going. Now, it's better if you do it for yourself. But, if you have to, start by doing it for Forrest and I. Try. Keep moving forward and trying to find the positives in life. Show Forrest the friendship you have means enough for you to give life another chance. Please.
Love,
Your older (and wiser! haha) sis,
Julie
It's been a while since we've had a chance to chat! Not that I don't care, rather, there's always too much going on. I hope you understand and forgive me for not keeping in touch!
Forgive me, again, for speaking my mind freely and openly... I'll never pretend that I think there's a God. I know that Forrest wishes I had a stronger faith. I think it would give him peace of mind, knowing he's dying. But, if there really is a God, why would he put people through the things he does? People always say, "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." What a bunch of bull! What if it does kill you??? And how about the other favorite people tell me. "God never gives you more than you can handle." Bullshit. If that were true, there wouldn't be suicide.
Which brings me to my point. It hurts me in a very personal way to think you'd consider ending your life. Forrest would give anything in the world for more time, and you're willing to throw it away so carelessly. It pisses me off, honestly. It makes me cry. I wish Forrest could have the life you're willing to throw away. I don't care about God and the repercussions of suicide. That's not what this is about. If you can, have a little respect for someone I thought you liked. Don't think about killing yourself. Re-direct and re-focus your energy. Killing yourself may seem like the easy way out. Perhaps you think no one cares anyway. Again, BULLSHIT!! I love you Ryan. Forrest does too. And, frankly, I'll be PISSED if you choose to take your life.
I realize you have a lot going on. I realize things look hopeless. I realize you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. We all have these feelings. Every single person feels this from time to time. I've been living a nightmare for the last 5 years. I struggle to make it through the days, and I can't sleep at night. I'm haunted by the images of someone I love being very sick. I'm terrified of raising 3 children alone. I worry the kids won't remember their Daddy, and I worry that seeing their Daddy die may permanently wound every fiber of their being. And, I'm the one who has to be here to try to pick the pieces up and keep going. I don't look forward to it, to say the least.
Ryan, I'm rambling on. I guess, if I leave you with nothing else, know I love you. I love you very much!! I have the sweetest memories of you growing up. I feel more like you're my little brother than my cousin. I haven't done a very good job keeping in touch, but that doesn't change the fact that I care and always have. I'd do whatever I could to help you out. One other thing I want you to know is that things will change. It's inevitable. You have to make a choice. You have to choose every day to find the good around you. You have to make the choice, again and again, to keep moving forward. Some days are harder than others, but you have to find it within you to keep going. Now, it's better if you do it for yourself. But, if you have to, start by doing it for Forrest and I. Try. Keep moving forward and trying to find the positives in life. Show Forrest the friendship you have means enough for you to give life another chance. Please.
Love,
Your older (and wiser! haha) sis,
Julie
The Limbo Dance!
So, Forrest is supposed to go in tomorrow. Bloodwork, chemo... The basics, right? He's at work right now. Just texted me that he doesn't want to go. Said to re-schedule for another 2 weeks.
I tried to ask him to at least go in for bloodwork. He says it's a waste of time. :( Boo! Now, I've never claimed to be a smart woman, but I'm smart enough to know I can't make him do anything. In fact, the more I'd push, the more resistant he'll be.
Is it bad that I really want the numbers?? We didn't get a CEA last time, because Forrest's blood wouldn't clot. He didn't want to get poked again. I was curious what tomorrow's number would be after 2 weeks of no chemo. His numbers have been climbing. A thought that scares me more than I'm willing to admit. Yet, Forrest never seems to really care about it. I really wanted to know how much of a difference this treatment off affected him. :( Oh well...
What a place to be, right? Right, smack dab in the the middle of it all. Yet, not really having an ounce of control over what is happening. Yuck! Not my favorite place to be.
Let's see... On a happier note, our state taxes were deposited into our checking account! Now there is less worry that we'll bounce checks before payday Friday! Wait, is that a happy thought? Or just depressing that we really were that close to bouncing? I pick happy! A nice surprise! Now that we could afford to pay the co-pay tomorrow, we don't have to. Looks like I'll have an extra day off! I say I go spend the money I would have used on the co-pay on a new, fabulous pair of earrings! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! It sounded like a good idea! Lol!! :)
Well, I'm going to sign off... I have a website to check out... I have a wonderful friend who knows I've never had a professional massage. She sent me a gift certificate the other day! How fun is that? I'm going to go look at the website, see what they've got, and pretend I'd have time to get a massage this weekend! :)
Have a great night all! :)
I tried to ask him to at least go in for bloodwork. He says it's a waste of time. :( Boo! Now, I've never claimed to be a smart woman, but I'm smart enough to know I can't make him do anything. In fact, the more I'd push, the more resistant he'll be.
Is it bad that I really want the numbers?? We didn't get a CEA last time, because Forrest's blood wouldn't clot. He didn't want to get poked again. I was curious what tomorrow's number would be after 2 weeks of no chemo. His numbers have been climbing. A thought that scares me more than I'm willing to admit. Yet, Forrest never seems to really care about it. I really wanted to know how much of a difference this treatment off affected him. :( Oh well...
What a place to be, right? Right, smack dab in the the middle of it all. Yet, not really having an ounce of control over what is happening. Yuck! Not my favorite place to be.
Let's see... On a happier note, our state taxes were deposited into our checking account! Now there is less worry that we'll bounce checks before payday Friday! Wait, is that a happy thought? Or just depressing that we really were that close to bouncing? I pick happy! A nice surprise! Now that we could afford to pay the co-pay tomorrow, we don't have to. Looks like I'll have an extra day off! I say I go spend the money I would have used on the co-pay on a new, fabulous pair of earrings! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! It sounded like a good idea! Lol!! :)
Well, I'm going to sign off... I have a website to check out... I have a wonderful friend who knows I've never had a professional massage. She sent me a gift certificate the other day! How fun is that? I'm going to go look at the website, see what they've got, and pretend I'd have time to get a massage this weekend! :)
Have a great night all! :)
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