Another day

Hmmm...  It's been a while since I've last posted.  At least it feels that way!  Life, right?  Always too much to do, and not enough time! 

So, had a crappy day yesterday!  I admit it!  It was crappy!  I'm not sure what started it all...  Just a grand combination of things, I guess.  I was plagued with another wonderful headache!  :(  Ugh!  So tired of the headaches.  The throbbing pain.  The lack of relief.  The un-ending days of headache.  Blech!  I guess that alone is enough to wear a person down. 

More and more, I find the glaring long-term effects of living with significant stress very obvious.  5+ years of constant stress has taken its toll on my body.  I'd like to say I'm doing well with it, but I feel as though the pieces are falling around me.  I have headaches daily.  They vary in intensity, and I'm thankful for the days I don't feel like puking!  :)  I do wish the pain in my arms and hands would go away!  That would be nice.  Some days it gets so bad, I can hardly hold a pen.  It's gotten to the point that I actually do all my correcting in marker.  I don't have to hold the marker as firmly, so it doesn't put as much pressure on my hands.  How sad is that?  :(  I don't really care for the alternative either.  I figure stress has just progressed to my extremities...  Doctor figures it's stress-induced carpal tunnel.  I really, really don't want surgery.  :( 

So, yesterday I was having fun with headaches, while also finding myself unable to stop crying.  I cried at the drop of a hat!  Over anything!  There was no real cause for the non-stop tears.  And yet, there were so many reasons for the tears! 

I hate watching my husband get more and more sick.  I hate preparing for his death.  I hate having conversations with him, involving things that will take place after he is gone.  I hate watching  my husband pop pills.  Day after day.  Over and over.  To no real help.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe the pills do help.  Maybe the daily injections help.  Maybe the blood pressure meds make a difference.  Maybe the chemo pills buy time.  But at what cost?  Forrest has missed two treatments now.  It's been 4 weeks since he's been able to do chemo.  And he still feels like crap.  I'd like to think he'd at least feel a little better.  But Forrest's body is so very run-down, a month reprieve is not enough.  I hate that! 

I also have the nagging concerns about the upcoming months.  Forrest's numbers were climbing.  Climbing before he had this month off.  Climbing enough to draw the doctors attention.  Now he's had a month off.  I have no idea what has been going on and growing during this time!  I hate that!  I also know Forrest has every intention of taking the summer off.  I worry about that, yet agree with the decision completely.  Forrest wants to be feeling well enough to watch the kids in swim lessons.  He wants to feel well enough to throw the ball around the diamond with Jess and Luke.  He wants to enjoy like and enjoy the children and the precious time we have, especially during the summer when the kids are off of school!  I don't blame him in the slightest!  If he said he was going to do chemo for the summer, I seriously think I'd try to talk him out of it.  But, even so, the worry lingers.  How much will things grow over the summer?  Who knows.

I realize I should let go of those things I have no control over.  I realize it doesn't a single bit of good to let my mind stray to these things.  But, how can it not???  I mean really, how can you force yourself not to think?  The harder I try not to think about something, the more I inevitably think about it!  I try to keep things in perspective.  Usually, I think I do a decent job at it.  I guess yesterday was just not my day.  Tomorrow will be better.  :)

Such a negative post.  :(  I try very hard to keep positive.  But I think this is real.  Even the most positive person has difficult days.  And I think it's important to allow yourself "down" days.  You need to release, and not try to keep everything bottled inside!  So, I'm going to stop busting myself up over this!  And, I'll try to be back tonight with a more positive message!  :)