Life is full of little struggles, don't you think? Sometimes, I feel as though I just move from one struggle to the next... And, there are times I feel as though those little struggles are the size of mountains... :( But, I have been known to whine! :)
My struggles of the day started with Jessica staying home sick from school. Not really a big deal, but it's a chemo day... Insert worry... Next struggle, getting Forrest to get his butt out of bed and actually get to his appointment!!!!!!! This is much more difficult that you would imagine! Forrest DETESTS going.
So, dropped Benny at the babysitter and came back to drag Forrest by his toenails! Much to my surprise, he listened to me and got out of bed while I was gone! Woo hoo! Small victory! :) We met with the doctors, did all the basics, started treatment, and Fo slept... Slept HARD! Fo knew it was coming. He was exhausted going in. He hasn't been sleeping well at night. He was VERY tired before pumping in the pre-drugs. Add the drugs, and he was comatose!
I'm used to this. Forrest always sleeps during treatment. Sometimes, I think it's his avoidance mechanism. (I know it's the drugs, but it seems like a good way for Forrrest to escape, and not focus on what is being pumped into his body.) Anyway, this time he really crashed. It took 20+ minutes to wake him after treatment was done. And even then, it was just little peeks from under those eyelids, and minor movements of his hands. Eventually, I got his sweatshirt back on, got him standing, and moving. I held him up and steered as best I could!
I thanked my lucky stars yet again, as I walked out to the parking lot. This lot is ALWAYS full. I mean it. FULL! No spots. Ever. And yet, look at this? On the passenger side of the van, there was an empty spot! Amazing! This would make it a little easier to get Forrest into the van! Yay! :) (I try to always celebrate the small victories! I really try!) So, we ambled through the parking lot. I opened the door, and squeezed Forrest in... Lifting, his feet in, turning his body, closing the door. He was sleeping before I opened the driver side door!
Taking advantage of the sleeping babe, I was excited to have a Starbucks gift card in my pocket! Surely, Forrest wouldn't mind a quick stop off to pick up a caffinated drink! :) Right? I'd sweeten the deal by picking up a couple sandwiches from Arby's as well! Then, Forrest surely wouldn't complain! :) I sipped my drink while driving my snoring man home! :)
At home, I now had the challenge of getting Forrest into the house... Uh oh... I went to his side and opened the door. This was not going to be easy. I twisted, wiggled, pulled and pried... I managed to get a foot to the ground. Whew. Some more positioning and I had two feet on the ground. Now, Forrest is a big man. 6+ feet tall. 250ish pounds... Not easy to maneuver. I'm no lightweight myself, but it was difficult having to actually lift him out of the car!
Right about here was when I started to worry... It had taken me about 5 minutes to get Forrest out of the van. I was balancing him against the side of the van getting ready to open the door to the house, when I worried where Jessica was. The kids are not usually home when Forrest is like this, and today was worse than usual. Not good... :( But, there was truly nothing I could do at this point. I reached over, and opened the door with one hand on Fo. I began the support/steering process again.
2 steps. There are 2 little steps to get into our house. These were my mountains today! I shuffled Forrest up as close to the steps as I could, but then had to lift him to get his feet on the steps. Ugh... A few minutes later, we had Forrest up the steps and in the doorway. Jess was standing nearby... She's able to hide a lot and had her face well masked. But I knew this was scary to her. I couldn't blame her. I shuffled Forrest to a chair and sat him down to try to get him to eat. Jess warily sat down to eat as well.
Forrest ate with his eyes closed. Needed help lifting his glass of iced tea to his mouth. All this, Jessica carefully observed... My heart sank. :( I hate this at times, I really do. I was happy to see Forrest opening his eyes as a few minutes passed. Towards the end, I smiled to Forrest throwing curly fries at Jess to see if she could catch them in her mouth. Forrest's aim was TERRIBLE! Absolutely terrible! But it was just the light-hearted silliness she needed at that moment! Such a good man!
I shuffled Forrest off to bed and he slept away the afternoon. I found myself updating CaringBridge a bit before 5:00. I didn't have Forrest's CEA for today, but I know the nurses well. I quick texted one of them to see if it had come in. Now, I expected it to be up. I really did. He's had a month off, with no chemo. Numbers were bound to climb. So, I was seated at the couch, updating my journal entry on CaringBridge when my phone rang. I should have gotten up and walked out of the room to take the call. I knew it was the nurses. But, I thought I had this under control! It wasn't going to be a surprise that his CEA went up. I could handle this!
I answered and talked to the sweet nurse. She asked if I really wanted to know. I told her yes, of course! Then, she told me it tripled. Tripled... Tripled... Ugh... My eyes watered. My voice wavered. And Jess and Luke noticed. They understood. This call was about Dad, and Mom didn't like what she was hearing. The tears for both were immediate though they tried to hide it. Shoot! What had I done? I needed to get myself in check, and sound positive and upbeat while on the phone to help ease this... As the nurse told me the number was now 146.2, I smiled and said okay. It's just a number right? We chatted a little bit, and she recommended I have a martini. :) Wonderful idea! She also offered to buy me any drink I wanted if I wanted to meet her out at the bar later! :) So sweet. :)
I hung up, and the kids tried to settle down. I mentioned that one of his numbers were up, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't think either believed me. I also don't think either one wanted to know anything else...
SO... Tripled... My heart sinks... Forrest is never really bothered by the numbers. He's truly not. But I am. Always. If his numbers tripled in one month, what will happen when taking 3 months off for summer? The pit in my stomach is huge at the thought. I know our time is limited. I know I'd much rather have a summer full of happy memories, than chemo treatments. I know taking the summer off is the best thing for our family. But the reality of what this disease will do during the down-time is sobering... :( *Sigh*
Well, it's late. I'm tired. Don't think sleep will come, but I'm going to try. Sleep well, all! :)
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