My fantasy? Not really all that exciting. I think if anything, it's a testament to the stress I've felt. What I'd really like to do, is get in my Jeep and drive... Just me... Driving... I'd head East first, to the coast. From there I'd wander South. When I found a nice warm spot with nice beaches, I'd stop. I imagine myself kicked back in a lawn chair, perhaps a fruity drink in hand. I want to feel the warm sand between my toes. I want to sit back, as if I haven't got a worry in the world. I imagine the waves of the ocean would wash away my stress as I sit on the beach. It sounds wonderful to me!
I think the journey is also part of the process. The drive... I do some of my best thinking while driving. (Perhaps that's why I'm such a terrible driver! Haha!) I feel the need to re-connect with myself. I think of a friend's post and how his life has changed and continues to change in relation to cancer. At this point, I feel as though I am defined by cancer. It's what I live, eat, and breathe. Every decision I make, is to some extent, driven by cancer. Even if it's not obviously related to cancer, I still have the thoughts running in the background... I find myself considering any given situation in relation to cancer. It's become my world, and consumes every aspect of every day.
Now, I've never regretted our ordeal. What's to regret? It's not like we were given a choice in the matter! If I had known, going in, that Forrest was going to end up with cancer, I'd have married him anyway! I wouldn't change any of those things. But, there are times when I wonder who I am. Or who I will be when Forrest passes. What will happen when I no longer have cancer as my focus? What will be left?
This is where I think the journey would be wonderful. A chance to rediscover myself. A chance to do some soul searching. I think it would be a very healthy thing to do. I also think the relaxation would be very good for me. I really do! I just happen to know it's an impossible dream.
I can't really escape my reality, no matter how much I'd like to. Even if I went on a trip alone, my thoughts would be of my family. I would worry and wonder how they were doing all day long. I don't think it'd be as relaxing as I'd like it to be. But I think I do need to find a way to get in my own head. I need to wrestle with the thoughts there and try to make some sense of it. I need to find myself again and maintain that as much as possible. I think it may be an important step in trying to maintain my health. So, I'll snap my fingers, count to 3, spin in a circle, and Shazam! Good as new! :)
Forrest knows of my fantasy... He wants me to go very badly. He is consumed by guilt watching my health deteriorate. He tells me I'm his cancer, and he's killing me faster than the cancer is killing him. Forrest thinks some time away would give me a chance to re-connect and rejuvinate. He also hopes it would help me to find faith. I laugh at him as he tries to find places for me to go over my spring break. We don't have the money to do something so silly! And I don't think a beach will magically melt away my stress. I'm sure a get-a-way would be nice, but we should go as a family. Not me on my own. But, Forrest continues to say it'd be worth it. If it helped at all, it would be worth it. He says maybe the headaches would subside. Maybe I'd relieve a little stress. Any amount would be better than where I am now. Perhaps he's right. Maybe it would help. Then again, it may not do anything and I'd have wasted time and money!
Oh well...
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