Hmmm... It's been a while since I've last posted. At least it feels that way! Life, right? Always too much to do, and not enough time!
So, had a crappy day yesterday! I admit it! It was crappy! I'm not sure what started it all... Just a grand combination of things, I guess. I was plagued with another wonderful headache! :( Ugh! So tired of the headaches. The throbbing pain. The lack of relief. The un-ending days of headache. Blech! I guess that alone is enough to wear a person down.
More and more, I find the glaring long-term effects of living with significant stress very obvious. 5+ years of constant stress has taken its toll on my body. I'd like to say I'm doing well with it, but I feel as though the pieces are falling around me. I have headaches daily. They vary in intensity, and I'm thankful for the days I don't feel like puking! :) I do wish the pain in my arms and hands would go away! That would be nice. Some days it gets so bad, I can hardly hold a pen. It's gotten to the point that I actually do all my correcting in marker. I don't have to hold the marker as firmly, so it doesn't put as much pressure on my hands. How sad is that? :( I don't really care for the alternative either. I figure stress has just progressed to my extremities... Doctor figures it's stress-induced carpal tunnel. I really, really don't want surgery. :(
So, yesterday I was having fun with headaches, while also finding myself unable to stop crying. I cried at the drop of a hat! Over anything! There was no real cause for the non-stop tears. And yet, there were so many reasons for the tears!
I hate watching my husband get more and more sick. I hate preparing for his death. I hate having conversations with him, involving things that will take place after he is gone. I hate watching my husband pop pills. Day after day. Over and over. To no real help. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the pills do help. Maybe the daily injections help. Maybe the blood pressure meds make a difference. Maybe the chemo pills buy time. But at what cost? Forrest has missed two treatments now. It's been 4 weeks since he's been able to do chemo. And he still feels like crap. I'd like to think he'd at least feel a little better. But Forrest's body is so very run-down, a month reprieve is not enough. I hate that!
I also have the nagging concerns about the upcoming months. Forrest's numbers were climbing. Climbing before he had this month off. Climbing enough to draw the doctors attention. Now he's had a month off. I have no idea what has been going on and growing during this time! I hate that! I also know Forrest has every intention of taking the summer off. I worry about that, yet agree with the decision completely. Forrest wants to be feeling well enough to watch the kids in swim lessons. He wants to feel well enough to throw the ball around the diamond with Jess and Luke. He wants to enjoy like and enjoy the children and the precious time we have, especially during the summer when the kids are off of school! I don't blame him in the slightest! If he said he was going to do chemo for the summer, I seriously think I'd try to talk him out of it. But, even so, the worry lingers. How much will things grow over the summer? Who knows.
I realize I should let go of those things I have no control over. I realize it doesn't a single bit of good to let my mind stray to these things. But, how can it not??? I mean really, how can you force yourself not to think? The harder I try not to think about something, the more I inevitably think about it! I try to keep things in perspective. Usually, I think I do a decent job at it. I guess yesterday was just not my day. Tomorrow will be better. :)
Such a negative post. :( I try very hard to keep positive. But I think this is real. Even the most positive person has difficult days. And I think it's important to allow yourself "down" days. You need to release, and not try to keep everything bottled inside! So, I'm going to stop busting myself up over this! And, I'll try to be back tonight with a more positive message! :)
It can be so very hard to be positive Julie! No one would knock you for that, and yet you do show a positive attitude to all those around you. I am always inspired by you. Have you considered meds or therapy to help yourself out? I am not sure if it will help, but I have considered both for myself. Maybe at some point in the future . . .
ReplyDeleteForrest impresses me also by dictating his chemo. I am still in the mindset of trying to keep up with the routine originally prescribed by the dr, and often see myself getting agitated over delays or setbacks. Of course, I then have to set myself down and reassure myself that small setbacks are nothing to be worried about . . . just focus on the positive.
Keep your chin up Julie!
We are praying and sending positive thoughts your way!
Eric
Oh my Eric! Meds! Of course I'm on meds! :) I held out for a long time. 4ish years! I've been on meds for almost a year and a half. Let's see... I have an anit-depressant. I take a pill for anxiety as needed. I have a prescription to try to prevent headaches. I have another for when the headaches are bad. I have Vicodin for when the others don't help at all. So, yes, I have meds. I'm not entirely sure they work... Some days I wonder if it makes any difference. Some days I wonder how much worse I'd be if I didn't have them. Who knows? In the meantime, I pop pills. Hopefully they help! :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as Forrest dictating his own regimen, he's been pretty good at reading his own body. When Forrest admits to being too sick to get treatment, you know it's really bad. :( As for taking the summer off, in the past, it's always worked out that way. This summer, I think the rules of the game have changed a bit in our household. I see Forrest and I in a different stage of the journey than you. We've tried all the procedures. We've tried a gammet of treatments. At this point we're trying to slow things down. It's all we have left. (Unless, of course, we're trying maximum dosage trials--no thanks!) Anyway, we're hoping this will slow things down, but there's really no guarentee. Forrest also realizes that at some point more time (even if it was guarenteed), doesn't do a lot of good, if it's not quality time. If you're too sick to get out of bed and enjoy the moments you have left, what good are they? Forrest does a good job balancing quality time, and making sure there are many positive moments engrained in our memories. He faces the reality of his situation, and while trying to maintain it, he also realizes all too well how precious time is. He trys to make the most of it. Summer memories are a very precious time for us. :)
As for you, your journey is still in early stages. There are more doctors to see, More procedures to find out about. New treatments to try. I pray daily that you are able to find that secret path out of this journey! :) Perhaps there will come a time when you need to be medicated too, but for now, I claim to be the only crazy one! ;)
Thank you so much for the positive thoughts and prayers! Right back at ya!! I think of y'all daily and am constantly sending prayers, positive and lots of hugs to the you and the family! :) Hang in there, my dear! :)
~Jules