What a week!

Well, I've been putting this post off for a while.  I have no logical reason why, I've just been putting it off.  I think it's better for me to vent and get it out, so here goes! 

So, I posted Tuesday about chemo and all that fun.  Wednesday, I actually found myself at the doctor.  You see, I've been getting excruciating headaches...  They swoop in and hang out for 4-5 days.  Lately they've been getting worse and more frequent.  So, I finally listened and went to get it checked out.  Well, I've got a couple new prescriptions...  A new one to try to prevent, and an amped up Vicodin ~ as the regular Vicodin wasn't helping take the edge off the headaches at all.  We'll try this for a while and see if it helps.  If not, I bump up the pain meds to Percoset.  In the meantime, I have to have a CT scan.  It'll be Wednesday.  Now, I really, sincerely think the headaches are from stress.  I can't imagine anything else being the cause.  But this freaks me out in a major way.  Seriously...  I panic at times wondering the "what-ifs"...  What if it is something more?  I have a friend with a brain tumor who get debilitating headaches.  Just enough to make me worry...  I try to keep it in check.  No need to worry til you know, right?  Won't do a bit of good!

So, the week continues...  Thursday night, I get a call from the counselor at school about Luke.  He's been seeing the counselor for a while now.  At first, he went with Jessica.  He wasn't comfortable going alone.  Then last year, Jess went on to middle school.  Luke was back to going alone.  He really didn't like it.  He had a wonderful teacher who gave up her prep to go to the counselor with Luke.  She provided that comfort and security he needed.  A new year, and Luke's back on his own.  He hasn't met with the counselor very often, and certainly hasn't sought out meeting with the counselor. 

Thursday morning Luke went to his teacher and told her he needed to talk with the counselor, Miss J.  He went on to say it needed to be today.  Miss J and Luke's teacher realized the significance of this and Miss J met with him right away.  She said Luke had a meltdown in her office.  He cried.  She cried.  Very emotional.  She said Luke's having a hard time with everything, and she needed a little more infomation.  She said Luke's a bright boy and has been making some connections.  She needed to know if he's making the right connections.  I explained how Luke knows the numbers are up.  I also explained how sick Forrest has been this week.  I could easily see him connecting the two, instead of realizing the sickness was from chemo.  We talked for a while.  I cried the whole time.  One of Luke's major worries ~ He doesn't want Daddy to die.  :(  It absolutely breaks my heart!  :(  He also feels Dad shouldn't be working.  I'm sure he sees how exhausted Forrest is after working.  He resents the time Forrest is away, and the time he spends in bed after working.  :( 

I appreciate how supportive the school is being.  The counselor and Luke's teacher agree that right now, time spent with Dad is more important than school time.  Luke's a good student, and can make up any work he misses.  If Forrest and I would like, we can work out to have Luke go to school late, or get out a little early to spend some quality time with Forrest.  Afternoons would probably work better.  Ben would be at school and it would just be the two of them.  If we let them know which days Luke will be leaving early, they can send work along with him.  If Forrest and Luke feel like doing it, they can.  If not, no big deal.  The time they spend together is what's important.  It's something that will be treasured later on.  It means a lot to me that they support the needs of our family!  :)



 

The pain reflected in my children's eyes is devastating to me.  It eats away at me!  I want, more than anything, to take their pain away!  I wish I could.  In the meantime, we'll continue to support them in every way possible.  We continue to keep the lines of communication open.  We continue to show them we love them each and every day. 

Finally, my week ended lying in bed with my husband...  Talking.  As much as I need to vent, Forrest does too.  He doesn't take that opportunity very often, but he needs it!  He said he doesn't think he has much time left.  He's hoping for one more summer.  Just one more.  Then he goes on to say that would work out well.  One more summer, then he can die in October.  If he dies the same month he was born, he hopes people will think more of his birthday than his death.  A sobering conversation to say the least.  :( 

I hate to think of so little time left.  But, I also hate to think of how much pain Forrest is in.  He is miserable so much of the time.  I've told him I think he should stop the chemo.  It's makes him so very sick.  And, we also can't afford for him to be off work.  :( 

So, it's been a long week.  I guess that goes with the territory, right?  For now, there's peace in the house...  We keep moving forward...  :)

My fantasy...

I have this fantasy.  I think of it from time to time.  I imagine how wonderful it would be.  Sometimes, I even wish it were a possibility!

My fantasy?  Not really all that exciting.  I think if anything, it's a testament to the stress I've felt.  What I'd really like to do, is get in my Jeep and drive...  Just me...  Driving...  I'd head East first, to the coast.  From there I'd wander South.  When I found a nice warm spot with nice beaches, I'd stop.  I imagine myself kicked back in a lawn chair, perhaps a fruity drink in hand.  I want to feel the warm sand between my toes.  I want to sit back, as if I haven't got a worry in the world.  I imagine the waves of the ocean would wash away my stress as I sit on the beach.  It sounds wonderful to me!

I think the journey is also part of the process.  The drive...  I do some of my best thinking while driving.  (Perhaps that's why I'm such a terrible driver!  Haha!)  I feel the need to re-connect with myself.  I think of a friend's post and how his life has changed and continues to change in relation to cancer.  At this point, I feel as though I am defined by cancer.  It's what I live, eat, and breathe.  Every decision I make, is to some extent, driven by cancer.  Even if it's not obviously related to cancer, I still have the thoughts running in the background...  I find myself considering any given situation in relation to cancer.  It's become my world, and consumes every aspect of every day. 

Now, I've never regretted our ordeal.  What's to regret?  It's not like we were given a choice in the matter!  If I had known, going in, that Forrest was going to end up with cancer, I'd have married him anyway!  I wouldn't change any of those things.  But, there are times when I wonder who I am.  Or who I will be when Forrest passes.  What will happen when I no longer have cancer as my focus?  What will be left?

This is where I think the journey would be wonderful.  A chance to rediscover myself.  A chance to do some soul searching.  I think it would be a very healthy thing to do.  I also think the relaxation would be very good for me.  I really do!  I just happen to know it's an impossible dream. 

I can't really escape my reality, no matter how much I'd like to.  Even if I went on a trip alone, my thoughts would be of my family.  I would worry and wonder how they were doing all day long.  I don't think it'd be as relaxing as I'd like it to be.  But I think I do need to find a way to get in my own head.  I need to wrestle with the thoughts there and try to make some sense of it.  I need to find myself again and maintain that as much as possible.  I think it may be an important step in trying to maintain my health.  So, I'll snap my fingers, count to 3, spin in a circle, and Shazam!  Good as new!  :) 

Forrest knows of my fantasy...  He wants me to go very badly.  He is consumed by guilt watching my health deteriorate.  He tells me I'm his cancer, and he's killing me faster than the cancer is killing him.  Forrest thinks some time away would give me a chance to re-connect and rejuvinate.  He also hopes it would help me to find faith.  I laugh at him as he tries to find places for me to go over my spring break.  We don't have the money to do something so silly!  And I don't think a beach will magically melt away my stress.  I'm sure a get-a-way would be nice, but we should go as a family.  Not me on my own.  But, Forrest continues to say it'd be worth it.  If it helped at all, it would be worth it.  He says maybe the headaches would subside.  Maybe I'd relieve a little stress.  Any amount would be better than where I am now.  Perhaps he's right.  Maybe it would help.  Then again, it may not do anything and I'd have wasted time and money! 

Oh well... 

Struggles...

Life is full of little struggles, don't you think?  Sometimes, I feel as though I just move from one struggle to the next...  And, there are times I feel as though those little struggles are the size of mountains...  :(  But, I have been known to whine!  :)

My struggles of the day started with Jessica staying home sick from school.  Not really a big deal, but it's a chemo day...  Insert worry...  Next struggle, getting Forrest to get his butt out of bed and actually get to his appointment!!!!!!!  This is much more difficult that you would imagine!  Forrest DETESTS going.

So, dropped Benny at the babysitter and came back to drag Forrest by his toenails!  Much to my surprise, he listened to me and got out of bed while I was gone!  Woo hoo!  Small victory!  :)  We met with the doctors, did all the basics, started treatment, and Fo slept...  Slept HARD!  Fo knew it was coming.  He was exhausted going in.  He hasn't been sleeping well at night.  He was VERY tired before pumping in the pre-drugs.  Add the drugs, and he was comatose! 

I'm used to this.  Forrest always sleeps during treatment.  Sometimes, I think it's his avoidance mechanism.  (I know it's the drugs, but it seems like a good way for Forrrest to escape, and not focus on what is being pumped into his body.)  Anyway, this time he really crashed.  It took 20+ minutes to wake him after treatment was done.  And even then, it was just little peeks from under those eyelids, and minor movements of his hands.  Eventually, I got his sweatshirt back on, got him standing, and moving.  I held him up and steered as best I could!

I thanked my lucky stars yet again, as I walked out to the parking lot.  This lot is ALWAYS full.  I mean it.  FULL!  No spots.  Ever.  And yet, look at this?  On the passenger side of the van, there was an empty spot!  Amazing!  This would make it a little easier to get Forrest into the van!  Yay!  :)  (I try to always celebrate the small victories!  I really try!)  So, we ambled through the parking lot.  I opened the door, and squeezed Forrest in...  Lifting, his feet in, turning his body, closing the door.  He was sleeping before I opened the driver side door!

Taking advantage of the sleeping babe, I was excited to have a Starbucks gift card in my pocket!  Surely, Forrest wouldn't mind a quick stop off to pick up a caffinated drink!  :)  Right?  I'd sweeten the deal by picking up a couple sandwiches from Arby's as well!  Then, Forrest surely wouldn't complain!  :)  I sipped my drink while driving my snoring man home!  :)

At home, I now had the challenge of getting Forrest into the house...  Uh oh...  I went to his side and opened the door.  This was not going to be easy.  I twisted, wiggled, pulled and pried...  I managed to get a foot to the ground.  Whew.  Some more positioning and I had two feet on the ground.  Now, Forrest is a big man.  6+ feet tall.  250ish pounds...  Not easy to maneuver.  I'm no lightweight myself, but it was difficult having to actually lift him out of the car! 

Right about here was when I started to worry...  It had taken me about 5 minutes to get Forrest out of the van.  I was balancing him against the side of the van getting ready to open the door to the house, when I worried where Jessica was.  The kids are not usually home when Forrest is like this, and today was worse than usual.  Not good...  :(  But, there was truly nothing I could do at this point.  I reached over, and opened the door with one hand on Fo.  I began the support/steering process again. 

2 steps.  There are 2 little steps to get into our house.  These were my mountains today!  I shuffled Forrest up as close to the steps as I could, but then had to lift him to get his feet on the steps.  Ugh...  A few minutes later, we had Forrest up the steps and in the doorway.  Jess was standing nearby...  She's able to hide a lot and had her face well masked.  But I knew this was scary to her.  I couldn't blame her.  I shuffled Forrest to a chair and sat him down to try to get him to eat.  Jess warily sat down to eat as well. 

Forrest ate with his eyes closed.  Needed help lifting his glass of iced tea to his mouth.  All this, Jessica carefully observed...  My heart sank.  :(  I hate this at times, I really do.  I was happy to see Forrest opening his eyes as a few minutes passed.  Towards the end, I smiled to Forrest throwing curly fries at Jess to see if she could catch them in her mouth.  Forrest's aim was TERRIBLE!  Absolutely terrible!  But it was just the light-hearted silliness she needed at that moment!  Such a good man!

I shuffled Forrest off to bed and he slept away the afternoon.  I found myself updating CaringBridge a bit before 5:00.  I didn't have Forrest's CEA for today, but I know the nurses well.  I quick texted one of them to see if it had come in.  Now, I expected it to be up.  I really did.  He's had a month off, with no chemo.  Numbers were bound to climb.  So, I was seated at the couch, updating my journal entry on CaringBridge when my phone rang.  I should have gotten up and walked out of the room to take the call.  I knew it was the nurses.  But, I thought I had this under control!  It wasn't going to be a surprise that his CEA went up.  I could handle this!

I answered and talked to the sweet nurse.  She asked if I really wanted to know.  I told her yes, of course!  Then, she told me it tripled.  Tripled...  Tripled...  Ugh...  My eyes watered.  My voice wavered.  And Jess and Luke noticed.  They understood.  This call was about Dad, and Mom didn't like what she was hearing.  The tears for both were immediate though they tried to hide it.  Shoot!  What had I done?  I needed to get myself in check, and sound positive and upbeat while on the phone to help ease this...  As the nurse told me the number was now 146.2, I smiled and said okay.  It's just a number right?  We chatted a little bit, and she recommended I have a martini.  :)  Wonderful idea!  She also offered to buy me any drink I wanted if I wanted to meet her out at the bar later!  :)  So sweet.  :)

I hung up, and the kids tried to settle down.  I mentioned that one of his numbers were up, but it wasn't that big of a deal.  I don't think either believed me.  I also don't think either one wanted to know anything else...

SO...  Tripled...  My heart sinks...  Forrest is never really bothered by the numbers.  He's truly not.  But I am.  Always.  If his numbers tripled in one month, what will happen when taking 3 months off for summer?  The pit in my stomach is huge at the thought.  I know our time is limited.  I know I'd much rather have a summer full of happy memories, than chemo treatments.  I know taking the summer off is the best thing for our family.  But the reality of what this disease will do during the down-time is sobering...  :(    *Sigh* 

Well, it's late.  I'm tired.  Don't think sleep will come, but I'm going to try.  Sleep well, all!  :) 

Tubes

Now, my youngest lives in his own world.  I think it'd be a fun place to visit...  :)

So, his latest antics?  Ben has declared he has tubes.  Tubes in his "froat".  Each tube represents a different type of food.  Now, on the surface this doesn't seem like a big deal, right? 

Imagine shopping at the store.  Not the fun kind of shopping.  This is the wait around to pick up your prescriptions because you didn't realize you were out of refills kind of shopping.  Know what I mean?  It's the, "Shoot, we need to go to another store after this because we don't have milk for cereal in the morning, and the kids are already going crazy!" kind of shopping.  We wander around the isles.  I think I'm amusing the kids.  The kids think I'm giving them some new form of torture...  Benjamin is on the verge of a breakdown...  But Moooooo-oooooommmmm...  I'm SOOOO firsty!  Can't I just get some water???  Please????  Then I'll be able to walk more!  Reawy! I will!  After 30 minutes of this, I see a little cooler by the checkouts.  Full of water!  Perfect!  Even more fun, it's all varieties of flavored water!  Benjamin!  Go pick out any flavor you want!  You get to pick!  Woo hoo!  All happy right? 

We check out and pay.  I open the water and Ben gulps greedily!  We hop in the Jeep to go get milk and Ben starts to cry.  Frustrated, I ask what's wrong now???  Ben declares, "Mom, I SAID I wanted water."  What?!?!?!  I just got you water!!!!  "But Mom.  You got strawberry water.  That filled up my fruit tube!  Not my water tube!  My water tube is still STARVIN'!!"  Ugh!  How do I compete with that?  Clearly I'm at fault here!  :) 

This is also a very convenient at dinner time!  "But Mom!  My Besghetti (Spaghetti) tube is all filled up!  All the way up to here!"  (As he lifts his hands to the very top of his head.)  Here's the twist to keep it fun...  We clear the table.  Clean up supper.  And, Ben asks for a treat.  "Benjamin Dayne!  We JUST ate!  You were too full to finish!"  "But Mom, that was my besghetti tube.  My candy tube is EMPTY!!  All the way down to here!"  (Showing off those cute toes!)  Funny how that works!  I've been so confused all these years!!  I just didn't realize my chocolate tube was bigger than my other tubes!  It explains everything!!  :)

Curiously enough, Ben does have one tube that can never get full!  Any guesses which tube it is?  You'll never get it!  I'm going to stall while you ponder... 

I told Forrest I was hungry for his ribs on the grill the other day.  Said I couldn't wait til it was warm enough for him to grill!  (Also have to wait for the checkbook to fill up a little to get the ribs!  Haha!)  The kids all drooled a bit thinking how good they are...  Ben pipes in, "I'm only eatin' that if we have watermelon with it!"  The tubes must be connected!  :)

Okay!  Ready for the un-fillable tube?  It's a specialty tube.  Caters only to Circus Peanuts!  Not real peanuts.  Those orange candy thingys in the shape of a peanut.  Do you know what I'm talking about?  We found out this tube can never be filled around Ben's birthday.  Grandma and Grandpa gave him a bag of circus peanuts for his birthday.  When I tried to tell Ben he'd had enough, he assured me had plenty of room is his circus peanut tube.  Said the highest it can ever get is about chest high.  Never any worry of over-filling that one!  :) 

I adore his imagination!  (Until his teacher tells me he tells non-stop stories...  Especially when coloring.  The whole time he colors he's making up stories.  She says she loves to listen to him, and tries to find time to sit by him a bit when the class is coloring, just to hear what he'll come up with next!  I can't help but cringe as I wonder what he's telling stories about!  I'm sure there are ninjas and dinosaurs.  Battles and super heros.  Blood and guts.  All that good stuff in a school setting!  At least she laughed about it, and didn't recommend an ED referral!  :)

On a side note, I yelled at Benjamin earlier in this post.  You always know you're getting yelled at when Mom uses your middle name, right?  Well, I wrote Benjamin Dayne.  I stand corrected.  Ben has officially changed his middle name.  His is now:

Benjamin Captain America Dayne Bock

Has a little ring to it, doesn't it? 

Have a wonderful night!  Hug the ones you love.  Even the ones you don't!  :)  

And...  Now that I've rambled on about Ben, I think my next couple posts should be about Jess and Luke.  Perhaps even a Forrest one.  Everyone gets their turn!  (Insert evil laugh here!  Hehe!) 

Baseball

Tis' the season!  Found myself sitting at a meeting for baseball this evening!  I opens that little window inside me that SO hopes spring will be here soon.  I love baseball/softball season!!  I really do!  I can't quite explain it, because it certainly isn't that I loved playing softball growing up!! 

In fact, I have terrible memories playing ball!  I remember one year in particular.  I rode my banana seat bicycle to practice.  I was 8 or 9 years old.  I had just bumped up to the next "level" of softball, and it was the first day of practice.  I parked my bike, grabbed my glove and walked onto the field.  I found the coach and got my new rec t-shirt.  As girls continued coming up to the coach, he looked at me and asked, "What position do you play?"  This simple question horrified me!  Truly horrified!  I had no idea what position I played!!  I went where the coach told me to go!  I couldn't have told you what place I played if my life depended on it!  I mumbled something, and the coaches attention went onto someone else.  While he was distracted, I snuck over to that banana seat, get-away bike and rode hard to get outta there!  I never went back that season, and never signed up again. 

Now I find myself in a whole new state of mind.  There are so many things I love about the summer baseball season!  I adore afternoons in the sun, acting as though there are few cares in the world.  I love the smell of hotdogs at the concession stands, and ketchup dribbled down my Benjamin!  The slushies on a hot day of all day tournaments.  It all makes me smile.  Running from practice to game, and back again.  Juggling softball tournaments and baseball tournaments in two different towns and working it out to see every game. 

I love that everything in the back of the van feels dusty, and that at any given moment, you can find an array of balls, gloves, lawn chairs and blankets.  Always ready at a moments notice!  An empty field was the perfect opportunity to get out and see if we could fake a game!  From wiffle balls for Benjamin, big ol' softballs for Jess, and the crack of hardballs when Luke is up to bat.  It's enchanting.  Simply and absolutely enchanting!

Game time! 

Jessica at bat...  I swell with pride as I think of her up to bat.  Confident.  Low in her stance.  Waiting for her pitch.  I love that even though most girls can't pitch, she swings at anything close.  She WANTS to hit that ball!  She wants to feel that connection and send the ball flying.  Yet, she strikes out her fair share.  Even so, her confidence never wavers.  I know if I were at the plate, my focus would be so very different.  I'd worry that I looked stupid.  That everyone there would know I had no clue what I was doing.  I'd worry I'd strike out.  Again.  And people might laugh, or think terrible thoughts about me.  There'd be no chance of success, because I was too focused on everything else.  Yet, my daughter gets up there.  Again and again.  She never falters or wavers!  She focuses, in and zeros in on her target.  I love that confidence, and that I find myself cheering her on ~ loudest parent in the stands, I swear!  :) 

My Luke...  Onto my Luke and baseball!  My oldest boy has always been a natural athlete.  (He must get it from his mother!  hahahaha!)  I love that even though he's often the youngest on his team, he always plays hard.  One of my first Luke baseball memories.  I'm sitting on the bleachers surrounded by baseball moms watching the first practice.  Many parents know each other and are happily chatting.  Friendly moms start to introduce themselves to new faces ~ asking who their son is, what grade is he in, etc.  I start to cringe.  I try to sink down into my seat...  Hoping that I don't draw the attention of anyone.  Inevitably, I do.  A parent catches my eye and asks who my boy is.  I point out Luke and try to focus my attention back to the field.  But she continues.  "How old is he?" she innocently asks.  This is what I was dreading...  Luke is 6.  His teammates are 8.  There's a 7 or two, but Luke is by far the youngest.  I swear I immediately had the attention of every parent on the bench.  Some were calling up the rec on their cell phones!  ;)  Just then, Luke at shortstop, made an amazing catch.  As he crashed to the ground, ball still in the glove, the parents visibly relaxed and mumbled...  Oh, oh, he's pretty good!  I relaxed and secretly thanked Luke for that!  :) 

But, back to Luke actually playing!  Again, he plays hard.  He plays tough.  He's always trying to run faster, hit harder, throw better.  Doesn't matter if he's at practice or a game.  He's always giving 110%.  Even those last 10 minutes when practice is almost over!  ;)  I love that Luke takes it all in stride.  Playing in a tournament game last year, he hit three homeruns over the fence.  All in the same game.  Even drew the attention of the opponents coach.  I yelled, screamed, and cheered!  It was amazing!  What a way to end the tourney.  Yet, at his next league game, he struck out twice.  He kept at it though.  He keeps working, practicing, and trying harder to continue to challenge himself. 

And my Benjamin...  Little Benny.  Playing tee ball at 4 years old.  You know what it is...  Kid hits the ball, and everyone in the field runs to get it.  The little one who hit the ball has no idea where to go.  When the ball is fielded, coaches yell, "Throw it to first!"  Even though first baseman is tangled up in the crowd who went for the ball.  :)  Then there's Benjamin.  He's been dragged to games since he was born!  He's been on the field already this season and knows where to run!  He understands fielding a bit, because we all do it, and try to get each other out!  (Funny how the family can never catch Ben!  Hehe)  And I laugh at my little man as I watch him out at first.  Standing on the base, with a helmet two sizes too big...  The coach is trying to make sure he knows where to go.  I can almost hear as he rolls his eyes and says his favorite line, "I knooo-ooowww!"  (Making it a two syllable word.)  I giggle as I watch him chatting to the coach/ high school kid with a summer job.  Benjamin is actually out there telling stories while he's waiting for his teammate to hit the ball.  As we laugh and watch his expressive demeanor, Ben actually uses "air quotes" in his story!  What could he possibly be saying that needed air quotes?  And yet, I know from past experience, he knows exactly how to use them effectively!  :)  I can't wait to watch mob ball again!  I can't wait for when the reverse the bat order, and Ben is last.  After coming in at home, I love hearing him say he can't believe he hit a home run!  :)

So ready for the season!  :)  LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF IT!  :)

Another day

Hmmm...  It's been a while since I've last posted.  At least it feels that way!  Life, right?  Always too much to do, and not enough time! 

So, had a crappy day yesterday!  I admit it!  It was crappy!  I'm not sure what started it all...  Just a grand combination of things, I guess.  I was plagued with another wonderful headache!  :(  Ugh!  So tired of the headaches.  The throbbing pain.  The lack of relief.  The un-ending days of headache.  Blech!  I guess that alone is enough to wear a person down. 

More and more, I find the glaring long-term effects of living with significant stress very obvious.  5+ years of constant stress has taken its toll on my body.  I'd like to say I'm doing well with it, but I feel as though the pieces are falling around me.  I have headaches daily.  They vary in intensity, and I'm thankful for the days I don't feel like puking!  :)  I do wish the pain in my arms and hands would go away!  That would be nice.  Some days it gets so bad, I can hardly hold a pen.  It's gotten to the point that I actually do all my correcting in marker.  I don't have to hold the marker as firmly, so it doesn't put as much pressure on my hands.  How sad is that?  :(  I don't really care for the alternative either.  I figure stress has just progressed to my extremities...  Doctor figures it's stress-induced carpal tunnel.  I really, really don't want surgery.  :( 

So, yesterday I was having fun with headaches, while also finding myself unable to stop crying.  I cried at the drop of a hat!  Over anything!  There was no real cause for the non-stop tears.  And yet, there were so many reasons for the tears! 

I hate watching my husband get more and more sick.  I hate preparing for his death.  I hate having conversations with him, involving things that will take place after he is gone.  I hate watching  my husband pop pills.  Day after day.  Over and over.  To no real help.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe the pills do help.  Maybe the daily injections help.  Maybe the blood pressure meds make a difference.  Maybe the chemo pills buy time.  But at what cost?  Forrest has missed two treatments now.  It's been 4 weeks since he's been able to do chemo.  And he still feels like crap.  I'd like to think he'd at least feel a little better.  But Forrest's body is so very run-down, a month reprieve is not enough.  I hate that! 

I also have the nagging concerns about the upcoming months.  Forrest's numbers were climbing.  Climbing before he had this month off.  Climbing enough to draw the doctors attention.  Now he's had a month off.  I have no idea what has been going on and growing during this time!  I hate that!  I also know Forrest has every intention of taking the summer off.  I worry about that, yet agree with the decision completely.  Forrest wants to be feeling well enough to watch the kids in swim lessons.  He wants to feel well enough to throw the ball around the diamond with Jess and Luke.  He wants to enjoy like and enjoy the children and the precious time we have, especially during the summer when the kids are off of school!  I don't blame him in the slightest!  If he said he was going to do chemo for the summer, I seriously think I'd try to talk him out of it.  But, even so, the worry lingers.  How much will things grow over the summer?  Who knows.

I realize I should let go of those things I have no control over.  I realize it doesn't a single bit of good to let my mind stray to these things.  But, how can it not???  I mean really, how can you force yourself not to think?  The harder I try not to think about something, the more I inevitably think about it!  I try to keep things in perspective.  Usually, I think I do a decent job at it.  I guess yesterday was just not my day.  Tomorrow will be better.  :)

Such a negative post.  :(  I try very hard to keep positive.  But I think this is real.  Even the most positive person has difficult days.  And I think it's important to allow yourself "down" days.  You need to release, and not try to keep everything bottled inside!  So, I'm going to stop busting myself up over this!  And, I'll try to be back tonight with a more positive message!  :)