Did I ever mention cancer sucks?

It does, it really does.  At this point in my cancer-related journey, I'm faced with conversations I don't want to have.  Thinking thoughts I don't want to think.  Saying things I don't want to say.  :(  It is extremely wearing.  I suppose on some scale, it's good that we've had the chance to say the things we need to say to each other.  But living in the moment can be very difficult. 

Sitting at the table, having lunch with Forrest...  Forrest mentions he really wishes there were some way I could go to school for nursing.  Frankly, there's no possible way I could go to school full time.  We'd never be able to afford it.  I couldn't afford not to work full time.  I also wouldn't be able to work full time, go to school full time, and manage the household.  I have a hard enough time managing the household now.  I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like adding the stress of going back to school. 

As I shrugged it off, Forrest casually mentioned maybe I'll be able to after he passes.  :(  I hate this train of thought, and yet it's something I consider more often than I'd like to.  I've also mentioned when Forrest passes, I may also be able to finally move south.  With the insurance on the house, it'll be paid off.  That would allow me to sell the house and move with a little money for a fresh start. 

It's difficult to consider what I'll be faced with after Forrest is gone, but it's also difficult not to allow those thoughts in my head.  In the long run, it's good that I know Forrest wants me to remarry someday.  (Although I have absolutely no intention of doing so, it's nice to know I'd have his blessing if I considered it.)  It's good that we are able to talk about what he'd want, or wouldn't want at his funeral.  It's good to know that we've talked about many of the little thoughts and worries I'll be faced with someday.  It's just frustrating to be in a place to be thinking of these things.  Oh well...  Keep moving forwarad, right?

And in the meantime, I'll enjoy what I have, and be thankful that I have so very much!  :)

This pic was taken in Oct. 2010, in Florida.  Our family had an opportunity to take a family vacation, thanks to the amazing people at the Dream Foundation!  :)