I'll be the first to admit my headaches are a bit out of control. I fully understand that! I just don't have much I can do about it to change it. Things in my world are chaotic and stressful. It's the nature of my life lately. Perhaps I'm exaggerating and trying to justify the headaches. But if I listed the big concerns on my plate, I think most people would also feel some stress. At least a little! There never seems to be a break in reality to allow a moment to relax, breathe, and calm down. Now, I do find little moments to relax and enjoy the little moments of life. Yesterday, our shower head broke, mid-shower. (I could turn the shower on and off, but no longer adjust the temperature.) So, Luke and I hopped in the car and ran to Menard's. We goofed around at the store. Found the piece we needed. Remembered to grab a light bulb. And then decided we are going to learn how to play Farkle! We found Hot Sundae Pop Tarts, and decided we had to see if Jessica was right... Were they tastey? We laughed as we tried to see how many more things we could add and carry ~ we didn't think we'd need a cart. Heartbroken, Luke determined I was the winner. I had 8 items, he had 7. A quick grab at the isle and he announced a tie! :) The way home we continued our games. I started asking all kinds of random questions to the boy... He laughed as he tried to come up with the answers.
This was a fun little moment ~ Just Luke and I. But, in the back of my head the rest of it was still running full blast! Running through the back of my head I'm still working through a conversation with Forrest the other day. Forrest had really bad chest pains right before getting the flu. He couldn't get the pain to ease up, even with pain pills. Then he started throwing up, and felt even worse. Forrest lay in bed, exhausted, as I try to figure out what I can do to help him. He looks up at me and says, "It's going to hurt really bad, isn't it?" I assumed he was talking about getting sick again, but I asked what he meant. A tear rolled down his cheek as he said dying. :( Ugh! He's very scared... And so am I! :( We chatted for a bit. Now I know he was feeling miserable, but it was still difficult to hear him ask if it's still considered suicide if he's in so much pain, and dying anyway. :(
Yep, a bit o' stress. Add on that last night my daughter got sick at her last night of camp. She threw up. After the week we had, we knew she wasn't going to be better after throwing up once. It would linger. We packed up the kids, talked to the counselors and the director, grabbed a garbage can and bags, and left to get her. We arrived in Madison about 11:40. We got Jess, I signed her out, packed up her things and headed back home. The bumps and jiggles over Madison's streets weren't helping Jess, but she eventually managed to fall asleep. Just before 1:00am Jess sat up and said, "Mom help!" I grabbed the garbage can as she sat up and started throwing up. Luckily I had lined several layers of garbage bags, so I could twist off the main bag while she finished. Her belly settled, Jessica laid back trying to rest.
We couldn't pull off in the middle of the highway, but we knew there was an exit and gas station in a couple miles. We could stop there and re-group. As we pulled in, we saw the station was closed. :( Boo! But at least we could empty the garbage bags and put in fresh liners. Jess could also rinse her mouth with Gatorade and spit it out. As we finished up cleaning the car, and Jess, Forrest started shaking. I figured he was just chilled being out in the middle of the night. I asked Forrest if I could finish driving. He could sit back by Jessica. Fo said no, he'd drive. I figured his stomach may be too sensitive if Jess started throwing up again, so I let him continue driving.
We rolled into the garage about 2am. The kids all settled into bed, but something was wrong with Forrest. He was still shaking. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably. Without realizing, Forrest's blood sugar had plummeted. Not good. He drank a soda to try to quickly get some sugars in him. He couldn't stop shaking and still felt cold. I put him in a hot shower to try to get him under control. 30 minutes in a scalding hot shower, and the shakes were still there. Not as bad, but there. He was able to drink a little more. I tried to get him to eat some fruit or a sandwich, but his stomach was too unsettled. He was fighting to not throw up.
The hot water ran out, and I got Forrest dressed in warm, comfy clothes. After a bit, Forrest was able to sit without being too dizzy, and he was able to eat some cereal. At least something was going in. As he finished up, I got him a Percoset to help with his pain. (Only 5 left... Better be enough til Monday!) I checked on Jess and got Forrest to bed. He still wasn't doing great, but was a little better. I wanted to keep a close eye on him to make sure his sugars were better and he was going to be okay. About 4:30am I settled down enough, and had my own headache relaxed enough to try to fall asleep. Whew!
Wow! I really ramble! I should have just said ~ I get headaches. They're bad. I think they're from stress. I need to work on controlling them better!!
Have a great day all! I plan to lay low and keep an eye on all my babes... :)
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
It's been a while...
It's been a while since I've journaled. :( When things are craziest, I retreat, I think. I always say I'm struggling to keep my head above water. When things get crazy, I'm under water and in survival mode. Now don't be fooled. Survival mode is anything but grand! In fact, I think I do a terrible job in survival mode. I drop all the balls I'm juggling in everyday life.
So, let's rewind a few days... Sunday, I dropped my daughter off on the campus of UW - Madison. (Insert scream here!) She's at an engineering camp. (Go Jess!) I'm proud that she wanted to do this and went after it ~ filling out apps, getting teacher recommendations, and applying for scholarships. But my 13 year old baby is in Madison for a week! Alone! Aaaahhhh! I comfort myself by saying she's having a blast. She now says she's going to be a biomedical engineer when she grows up. :) Can't wait to pick her up Sat. morning!!
Sunday night my 5 year old started feeling icky. Starting at midnight, until almost 5am, he threw up every half hour. :( Major frowny face! The poor guy was so wiped out, I had to hold his head up so he could puke in a bowl before I could carry him to the bathroom. He's finally feeling better, only a few complaints from time to time. And, I think the complaints are for sympathy so he can play video games.
So Monday morning, I crawled to summer school. Good thing I only teach 3 hours a day! Besides that, it's scrapbooking. The kids who signed up want to be here. Classes are nice! :) Monday was cool and raining, so a day of movies, video games and pajamas wa perfect for the boys! Especially considering my 9 yer old was also not feeling well now. His upset stomach came out the other end and he was running a fever. Monday night he was very hot and I couldn't get it down. The poor boy was shaking under the covers. It finally broke about 11:30pm after alternating Tylenol and Advil every two hours.
Luke and Ben both laid low Tuesday. Games were rained out, again, so there was no worry about the boys were feeling well enough to play! I ended up crashing... Trying to catch up on a bit of sleep as well!
Wed the boys seemed to be better. Luke had a game Wed evening. He played third and then had a sweet hit to the fence! He ran onto the field to pitch, when the skies opened up and started to pour. After about 10 minutes, with mo end in sight, the games were called. :( The boys changed to dry, toasty pajamas and were asleep a bit later. This is when Fo admitted he's having chest pain. He's had this before. It's a sharp, piercing pain in his chest. It hurts to breathe. Causes agony to cough or sneeze. Of course, he coughed all night.
You know things are really getting crappy when Fo asks me to make an appt to see the oncologist. Fo HATES the oncologist! He avoids it all costs! But, he's been having stomach issues as well. With the chest pain back now, he is concerned and wants to get in. I think that worries me more than anything. Fo has a pretty good read on his body. If he's worried, something must be going on, and I doubt it's good. :(
Forrest spent the day Thursday throwing up. But his appointment is scheduled for Monday. No games to worry about, so we all laid low. At least it was cold and rainy out, so we don't feel bad hanging out in the house! (Will summer ever get here??) Finally things slowed down Thursday night. Hopefully Forrest is better today! We all need to be healthy to go to Madison and get Jess! :)
So, let's rewind a few days... Sunday, I dropped my daughter off on the campus of UW - Madison. (Insert scream here!) She's at an engineering camp. (Go Jess!) I'm proud that she wanted to do this and went after it ~ filling out apps, getting teacher recommendations, and applying for scholarships. But my 13 year old baby is in Madison for a week! Alone! Aaaahhhh! I comfort myself by saying she's having a blast. She now says she's going to be a biomedical engineer when she grows up. :) Can't wait to pick her up Sat. morning!!
Sunday night my 5 year old started feeling icky. Starting at midnight, until almost 5am, he threw up every half hour. :( Major frowny face! The poor guy was so wiped out, I had to hold his head up so he could puke in a bowl before I could carry him to the bathroom. He's finally feeling better, only a few complaints from time to time. And, I think the complaints are for sympathy so he can play video games.
So Monday morning, I crawled to summer school. Good thing I only teach 3 hours a day! Besides that, it's scrapbooking. The kids who signed up want to be here. Classes are nice! :) Monday was cool and raining, so a day of movies, video games and pajamas wa perfect for the boys! Especially considering my 9 yer old was also not feeling well now. His upset stomach came out the other end and he was running a fever. Monday night he was very hot and I couldn't get it down. The poor boy was shaking under the covers. It finally broke about 11:30pm after alternating Tylenol and Advil every two hours.
Luke and Ben both laid low Tuesday. Games were rained out, again, so there was no worry about the boys were feeling well enough to play! I ended up crashing... Trying to catch up on a bit of sleep as well!
Wed the boys seemed to be better. Luke had a game Wed evening. He played third and then had a sweet hit to the fence! He ran onto the field to pitch, when the skies opened up and started to pour. After about 10 minutes, with mo end in sight, the games were called. :( The boys changed to dry, toasty pajamas and were asleep a bit later. This is when Fo admitted he's having chest pain. He's had this before. It's a sharp, piercing pain in his chest. It hurts to breathe. Causes agony to cough or sneeze. Of course, he coughed all night.
You know things are really getting crappy when Fo asks me to make an appt to see the oncologist. Fo HATES the oncologist! He avoids it all costs! But, he's been having stomach issues as well. With the chest pain back now, he is concerned and wants to get in. I think that worries me more than anything. Fo has a pretty good read on his body. If he's worried, something must be going on, and I doubt it's good. :(
Forrest spent the day Thursday throwing up. But his appointment is scheduled for Monday. No games to worry about, so we all laid low. At least it was cold and rainy out, so we don't feel bad hanging out in the house! (Will summer ever get here??) Finally things slowed down Thursday night. Hopefully Forrest is better today! We all need to be healthy to go to Madison and get Jess! :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Long Week...
Need I say more? :) Don't be fooled, you know I will! Haha!
But, really... It's been a VERY long week. I think it's carrying over from last week, but that's besides the point! Anyway... I whined about my situation with my principal. I still feel it's crappy, but I can't change the things that were said.
Wanna hear what is currently compounding it? I spoke with a union rep, and they talked with HR. Apparetly the head of HR was very disturbed to hear of what had been said. She talked with a couple other "higher ups" and told of the situation. One of which was the superintendant. Apparently I wasn't the only one to be upset about things that were said to me. Now I have to have a meeting at the district office. I assume they want a first hand account of what was said. (I hope that's all it is.) At least I know they are on my side and not calling me in to say I'm fired! :)
But, I fear the damage has been compounded. Not only has the principal expressed his lack of satisfaction with me. Now people above his head know of the situation, and don't approve of what was said. Even if it's only briefly mentioned, who's going to take the blame here? Yep. That's me. It'll be all my fault for all of this. And I still have to work with the same guy next year. I sincerely fear he will make my life a living.... (insert creative word of your choosing) Ick. Did I mention I hate this and it's driving me crazy? :( Boo!
Would you like to know another tidbit that has made my week? Forrest was supposed to have treatment Tues. Yep. Supposed to. That accurately implies he did not have treatment. Anyway, I was able to talk with one of the nurses to find out Forrest's CEA. Last time it was 146. Now, it's 290. Low blow. Sucks the wind right outta my sails. Eh. Who am I kidding? I didn't have any wind in my sails. That's been gone for quite a while now. But, I still don't have to like it, right? Cancer freakin' sucks.
So, after talking with Forrest, he mentioned that he might do a treatment or two of the full blown chemo. See if he can knock his numbers down. He'd do this over the summer. Is it bad that I'm heartbroken at the thought? I really don't want Forrest to be sick over summer. He thinks he can suck it up and do 2 treatments and it'll all be fine. No big deal. But, he forgets how sick he gets. It starts immediately and lingers forever. Forrest is sick on the pill based form of chemo. Full blown chemo? He'll be wiped out. For weeks... :( I really do prefer the summer where Forrest is able to go to the pool, go fishing, go to ball games, play on the diamonds with the kids, etc. I love that summer is happy memories and positive thoughts rather than sickness. I was really looking forward to a break. How selfish of me... :( I need to work on better supporting my hubby. :(
Okay, I need to stop whining for the night. It'll all work out. I need to let go and stop worrying about some of this. I can't make changes. Worrying won't help anything. In fact, it only makes things worse. My stress levels are through the roof. My head is splitting and muscles are dying from so much tension. So, I'll do my best to let go! :)
Have a great night!!
~Julie
But, really... It's been a VERY long week. I think it's carrying over from last week, but that's besides the point! Anyway... I whined about my situation with my principal. I still feel it's crappy, but I can't change the things that were said.
Wanna hear what is currently compounding it? I spoke with a union rep, and they talked with HR. Apparetly the head of HR was very disturbed to hear of what had been said. She talked with a couple other "higher ups" and told of the situation. One of which was the superintendant. Apparently I wasn't the only one to be upset about things that were said to me. Now I have to have a meeting at the district office. I assume they want a first hand account of what was said. (I hope that's all it is.) At least I know they are on my side and not calling me in to say I'm fired! :)
But, I fear the damage has been compounded. Not only has the principal expressed his lack of satisfaction with me. Now people above his head know of the situation, and don't approve of what was said. Even if it's only briefly mentioned, who's going to take the blame here? Yep. That's me. It'll be all my fault for all of this. And I still have to work with the same guy next year. I sincerely fear he will make my life a living.... (insert creative word of your choosing) Ick. Did I mention I hate this and it's driving me crazy? :( Boo!
Would you like to know another tidbit that has made my week? Forrest was supposed to have treatment Tues. Yep. Supposed to. That accurately implies he did not have treatment. Anyway, I was able to talk with one of the nurses to find out Forrest's CEA. Last time it was 146. Now, it's 290. Low blow. Sucks the wind right outta my sails. Eh. Who am I kidding? I didn't have any wind in my sails. That's been gone for quite a while now. But, I still don't have to like it, right? Cancer freakin' sucks.
So, after talking with Forrest, he mentioned that he might do a treatment or two of the full blown chemo. See if he can knock his numbers down. He'd do this over the summer. Is it bad that I'm heartbroken at the thought? I really don't want Forrest to be sick over summer. He thinks he can suck it up and do 2 treatments and it'll all be fine. No big deal. But, he forgets how sick he gets. It starts immediately and lingers forever. Forrest is sick on the pill based form of chemo. Full blown chemo? He'll be wiped out. For weeks... :( I really do prefer the summer where Forrest is able to go to the pool, go fishing, go to ball games, play on the diamonds with the kids, etc. I love that summer is happy memories and positive thoughts rather than sickness. I was really looking forward to a break. How selfish of me... :( I need to work on better supporting my hubby. :(
Okay, I need to stop whining for the night. It'll all work out. I need to let go and stop worrying about some of this. I can't make changes. Worrying won't help anything. In fact, it only makes things worse. My stress levels are through the roof. My head is splitting and muscles are dying from so much tension. So, I'll do my best to let go! :)
Have a great night!!
~Julie
Monday, May 23, 2011
Stress Much?
Personally, I think I initiate enough stress of my own. I think it breeds and runs rampant through my body. I try to manage it, but let's be real. I have a chiropractor who is sick of me saying I try to do things. He once asked me to try to stand. So I stood. He said no, don't actually stand. Just try to stand. Point taken. Do or do not. There is no try, right? Hmmm... I had a point I was going to make here... Let me get back to it! It drives me crazy that I have enough stress of my own. It irritates me even more when others initiate that stress... Allow me to illustrate...
Early last week, I recieved an email from my principal. Said he wanted to meet with me on Friday. Asked if I could get coverage for my class from 2:10-2:40. Instant panic... So, being the bold person that I am, I marched down to the office to ask about it. Well, I disguised it a bit, but my purpose was to find out what this meeting was about. I asked if we could meet earlier while the students were in Art. Therefore, I wouldn't need coverage. Principal said that would be just fine. So, I casually asked if I needed anything for the meeting, or if I should be worried. He laughed and said no, he just wanted to talk about the inclusionary model and I didn't need anything. He again assured me all was fine, and I went on my merry way.
Friday came and I wandered my way down to the office at 1:00. When the principal finally showed up, we started the meeting. He talked for about 30 seconds about full inclusion. (This year, I shared a classroom with a special education teacher. We have all the special ed kids in 5th grade in our room, and we co-teach the class. We've had a great year! We love working together!) In that first 30 seconds, he dropped the first little bomb. He said the special ed kids were not going to be in my classroom next year. He didn't think my classroom offered the best environment for the full inclusion model, as I have too many absences related to my husband's illness.
(It gets even better... Just wait...)
With a smooth transition, he said speaking of which, my absences were what he really wanted to talk about me with today. (Uh oh) He said he understands how difficult my situation is, but my absences were a problem. He said I wouldn't be able to continue to take off as much next year, as he feels it disrupts the students too much. He went on to say he doesn't feel as though I'm giving 110%, and 60-70% just wasn't enough. He went on a bit more, and I finally found some words and asked him if he wanted me to resign. I was told that if I could guarentee 110% and no absences, I would be fine. Otherwise, he didn't want me on his team. He said it wasn't fair to the students.
The lecture continued, offering a very weak argument. At one point, I asked if I should be concerned about a lay-off notice. He told me no, it was too late for that. Due process and all. (Nice, right?) He went on to say that if I continued to take off next school year for my husband's appointments and miss so much school, he would be forced to take disciplinary action. (What??!!??!! Did he really just say that??)
He went on to say he understands my situation, but the parent perception out there wasn't good. Any further information he gave at this point was based on parent perceptions. So, if there were parent concerns, wouldn't you make a point as the administrator to get in to that classroom to see what is, or isn't, going on?? He has never once stepped in our classroom to see us teach. I was even told that I don't return emails in a timely manner. Really? I have my email sent to my phone so I can get parent emails and respond right away.
As a form of conclusion, I was told that while he understood my situation, my absences were unacceptable and would not be allowed next year. He said I was going to have to make a decision as to my future at his school. Here I actually looked at him and said, "Unless my husband passes away over the summer, I don't foresee my situation changing." He said I was going to have to mull it over and get back to him with my decision. At this point, I think I was shell-shocked. It must have showed.
I had been in his office for almost half an hour. As the meeting came to a close, he said, "Clearly you're in no condition to be able to teach. Why don't you leave now and go home." Ok... You just talked to me about missing too much school, and now you're telling me to leave early? Right... I looked at the clock and said I have til 2:05 (35 minutes) to get myself together, and I'd be fine. He went further to say that was why he wanted to schedule our appointment toward the end of the day. He said he knew I'd be upset and that way I could just sneak out. Nice...
There are so many things about this that bother me... It's probably better for me not to go into details, as I think I'd still be petty about it. Instead, I'll just sum up by saying he obviously has NO IDEA what I'm going through, and he obviously doesn't understand FMLA laws... :(
Even though I know he's completely wrong, and what he did totters on illegal, I find myself even more stressed. The headache, neck and shoulder pain has only gotten worse. Ugh! :( I need a new job. Anyone hiring? :)
Early last week, I recieved an email from my principal. Said he wanted to meet with me on Friday. Asked if I could get coverage for my class from 2:10-2:40. Instant panic... So, being the bold person that I am, I marched down to the office to ask about it. Well, I disguised it a bit, but my purpose was to find out what this meeting was about. I asked if we could meet earlier while the students were in Art. Therefore, I wouldn't need coverage. Principal said that would be just fine. So, I casually asked if I needed anything for the meeting, or if I should be worried. He laughed and said no, he just wanted to talk about the inclusionary model and I didn't need anything. He again assured me all was fine, and I went on my merry way.
Friday came and I wandered my way down to the office at 1:00. When the principal finally showed up, we started the meeting. He talked for about 30 seconds about full inclusion. (This year, I shared a classroom with a special education teacher. We have all the special ed kids in 5th grade in our room, and we co-teach the class. We've had a great year! We love working together!) In that first 30 seconds, he dropped the first little bomb. He said the special ed kids were not going to be in my classroom next year. He didn't think my classroom offered the best environment for the full inclusion model, as I have too many absences related to my husband's illness.
(It gets even better... Just wait...)
With a smooth transition, he said speaking of which, my absences were what he really wanted to talk about me with today. (Uh oh) He said he understands how difficult my situation is, but my absences were a problem. He said I wouldn't be able to continue to take off as much next year, as he feels it disrupts the students too much. He went on to say he doesn't feel as though I'm giving 110%, and 60-70% just wasn't enough. He went on a bit more, and I finally found some words and asked him if he wanted me to resign. I was told that if I could guarentee 110% and no absences, I would be fine. Otherwise, he didn't want me on his team. He said it wasn't fair to the students.
The lecture continued, offering a very weak argument. At one point, I asked if I should be concerned about a lay-off notice. He told me no, it was too late for that. Due process and all. (Nice, right?) He went on to say that if I continued to take off next school year for my husband's appointments and miss so much school, he would be forced to take disciplinary action. (What??!!??!! Did he really just say that??)
He went on to say he understands my situation, but the parent perception out there wasn't good. Any further information he gave at this point was based on parent perceptions. So, if there were parent concerns, wouldn't you make a point as the administrator to get in to that classroom to see what is, or isn't, going on?? He has never once stepped in our classroom to see us teach. I was even told that I don't return emails in a timely manner. Really? I have my email sent to my phone so I can get parent emails and respond right away.
As a form of conclusion, I was told that while he understood my situation, my absences were unacceptable and would not be allowed next year. He said I was going to have to make a decision as to my future at his school. Here I actually looked at him and said, "Unless my husband passes away over the summer, I don't foresee my situation changing." He said I was going to have to mull it over and get back to him with my decision. At this point, I think I was shell-shocked. It must have showed.
I had been in his office for almost half an hour. As the meeting came to a close, he said, "Clearly you're in no condition to be able to teach. Why don't you leave now and go home." Ok... You just talked to me about missing too much school, and now you're telling me to leave early? Right... I looked at the clock and said I have til 2:05 (35 minutes) to get myself together, and I'd be fine. He went further to say that was why he wanted to schedule our appointment toward the end of the day. He said he knew I'd be upset and that way I could just sneak out. Nice...
There are so many things about this that bother me... It's probably better for me not to go into details, as I think I'd still be petty about it. Instead, I'll just sum up by saying he obviously has NO IDEA what I'm going through, and he obviously doesn't understand FMLA laws... :(
Even though I know he's completely wrong, and what he did totters on illegal, I find myself even more stressed. The headache, neck and shoulder pain has only gotten worse. Ugh! :( I need a new job. Anyone hiring? :)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Do I have a fever?
I must have a fever and be out of my mind. There can't possibly be any other excuse! Lately, my mind has been plagued with an obsessive idea. I want to have another baby. More specifically, I want to have another baby with Forrest.
At this point, I should illustrate what a terrible idea this is. Forrest and I can hardly make ends meet. Between normal expenses, and day to day crisis, we are barely scraping by. In fact there are many times when we are not even scraping, but are completely in over our heads. Add in the medical expenses we have, and we are really hurting. The debt continues to grow out of control... Not a good place to consider adding another mouth to feed, another body to clothe, and more feet to cover.
I also have the realilty that it will be one more person that I will have to raise on my own, all by myself. Three children will be incredibly challenging. But with each passing year, I assure myself the kids are a little older. They'll cope a little better. They'll have a few more memories. Etc.
At this point, I'm not honestly sure Forrest could even have another child if he wanted to. With all his body has been through, I fully expect that he's sterile. However, that doesn't keep my mind from wondering and wanting. And my biggest reason? I want one more piece of Forrest to be able to hold on to. That's the big and little of it. I just want one more piece of him left behind. One more connection to him. One more chance to see his blue eyes. Or to see the expressions he makes. Or to see his little smile. One more chance to have that quirky pointed ear. I want to have one more chance to see each and all of these things through my children.
I must be crazy, right? :)
At this point, I should illustrate what a terrible idea this is. Forrest and I can hardly make ends meet. Between normal expenses, and day to day crisis, we are barely scraping by. In fact there are many times when we are not even scraping, but are completely in over our heads. Add in the medical expenses we have, and we are really hurting. The debt continues to grow out of control... Not a good place to consider adding another mouth to feed, another body to clothe, and more feet to cover.
I also have the realilty that it will be one more person that I will have to raise on my own, all by myself. Three children will be incredibly challenging. But with each passing year, I assure myself the kids are a little older. They'll cope a little better. They'll have a few more memories. Etc.
At this point, I'm not honestly sure Forrest could even have another child if he wanted to. With all his body has been through, I fully expect that he's sterile. However, that doesn't keep my mind from wondering and wanting. And my biggest reason? I want one more piece of Forrest to be able to hold on to. That's the big and little of it. I just want one more piece of him left behind. One more connection to him. One more chance to see his blue eyes. Or to see the expressions he makes. Or to see his little smile. One more chance to have that quirky pointed ear. I want to have one more chance to see each and all of these things through my children.
I must be crazy, right? :)
Epiphany...
I had a moment today when I realized there will come a time when I am all alone... Now, this may not sound drastic to anyone else, but it almost sent me into a panic attack at the time! (Perhaps it was the day... I had 3 mild panic attacks. First came when my children's school tried to call my cell. Never good. Second, my principal sent an email requesting a meeting with him Friday at 2:15. Insert panic here! After a bit of investigation ~ that means I confronted the principal and asked what the meeting was about ~ anyway, I was assured it was nothing to worry about. Whew! Third, was the alone panic...)
So, I sat at a meeting. Not very exciting. At the end of the meeting, there were a couple ladies talking about school work and when they usually leave. These ladies typically leave work around 6:30-7:00 pm. (I cut out at 3:15 on a very good day, 4:30 on a not so good day.) As I gathered my things, I assured myself it was easier for them. Their kids were grown and they had time to spare. That's when it hit.
OH MY GOD! When my kids are grown and leave home to start their own lives, I will be COMPLETELY and utterly ALONE. No one to greet me at the door with smiles and kisses. Not even bickering kids to greet me. I'll come home to a dark, quiet house. Where I will spend the night by myself. Completely alone. Every night. Every day. This totally freaked me out and almost sent me into a tail spin! I don't think you can possibly have any idea what this did to me. The black hole this left in my stomach was terrifying.
I was, however, able to get myself under control in moments. From the time it took me to walk from the media center, back to my desk, I had it under control. (In case you're wondering, my classroom borders the media center. It was a quick walk.) I assured myself that even in the worse case scenario, my Benjamin would be my saving grace. He's only 5. Even if he moves out at 18, I have 13 years of company ahead before the "alone" sets in.
Now, I plan to live much longer than 13 years, so there will still be plenty of alone time. And I'd be lying if I said that didn't freak me out. I just figured I have plenty of time before it happens, so I'll worry about it later. :) I can procrastinate with the best of 'em! :)
So, I sat at a meeting. Not very exciting. At the end of the meeting, there were a couple ladies talking about school work and when they usually leave. These ladies typically leave work around 6:30-7:00 pm. (I cut out at 3:15 on a very good day, 4:30 on a not so good day.) As I gathered my things, I assured myself it was easier for them. Their kids were grown and they had time to spare. That's when it hit.
OH MY GOD! When my kids are grown and leave home to start their own lives, I will be COMPLETELY and utterly ALONE. No one to greet me at the door with smiles and kisses. Not even bickering kids to greet me. I'll come home to a dark, quiet house. Where I will spend the night by myself. Completely alone. Every night. Every day. This totally freaked me out and almost sent me into a tail spin! I don't think you can possibly have any idea what this did to me. The black hole this left in my stomach was terrifying.
I was, however, able to get myself under control in moments. From the time it took me to walk from the media center, back to my desk, I had it under control. (In case you're wondering, my classroom borders the media center. It was a quick walk.) I assured myself that even in the worse case scenario, my Benjamin would be my saving grace. He's only 5. Even if he moves out at 18, I have 13 years of company ahead before the "alone" sets in.
Now, I plan to live much longer than 13 years, so there will still be plenty of alone time. And I'd be lying if I said that didn't freak me out. I just figured I have plenty of time before it happens, so I'll worry about it later. :) I can procrastinate with the best of 'em! :)
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Eh.
So, I wonder...
I wonder how morbid it is that I asked my husband what music he'd want played at his funeral. I've talked with him about whether he'd want a church service. (In the end, we agreed his mom would really want one, so we decided which church.) I've explained my reasons for preferring creamation, and made sure that's okay with him. Some friends think we're at an advantage to have spoken about so many of these things, but really, there are so many more things that need to be talked about. So difficult bringing these things up, and facing these issues.
This week, my Jessica had a little melt down. She wants to know how Dad's really doing. Such a dangerous line to tread... I don't want to lie to her. I've always held firmly to that. But, I also don't want her consumed by worry. Certainly it would be founded worry, but I don't want it to take over her every thought. So, I gave her bits of information and she was satisfied with the answer, and didn't press for more.
But, do you know what really bothered me about my conversation with my daughter? As we're talking, she's sobbing... She starts to tell me how it drives her crazy that people ask her how her Dad's doing. I asked if it was adults or friends, and she said both. Jess said, "I'll just be walking along, having a good day, when Bam! Someone comes up to me and asks how Daddy is. Then that's all I can think about all day!" As I told Jessica she needs to tell people she'd rather not talk about it, and hopefully they'll stop asking, I thought to myself how people can be COMPLETE idiots!!!! Now, I guess I can't really blame the friends. They don't know any better, or probably don't realize what they are doing. But the adults? Why the hell would you ask a 12 year old girl how her dad is doing when you know damn well he's dying from cancer???? What on Earth could possibly make you think that's a good idea??? Ugh!
Another part of our conversation that bothered me was that Jessica says she hates talking to Mrs. Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt is the guidance counselor at the middle school. I asked why she doesn't like it. Jess gave a couple reasons. One of them was that Mrs. Schmidt will call her to her office early in the morning. Jess ends up getting very upset and crying during these sessions. She says she hates having to walk around the rest of the day having her friends ask what's the matter, and why was she crying. Makes perfect sense! I told Jessica to talk to her and explain that and ask if she can come in at the end of the day instead. Seems like a reasonable request. Jess also said that Mrs. Schmidt doesn't do anything. Jess says she pours her heart out. Apparently all Mrs. Schmidt says in return is, "I can't imagine what you're going through." I understand why Jess is frustrated! I would be too! I asked if she felt that way when she worked with the counselor at the elementary school. Jess immediately said NO! I guess the counselor at the elementary school lost her mother to cancer. She's shared with Jessica about her experiences, and Jessica feels that connection that someone else knows and understands what she's thinking and feeling.
So, the really frustrating part of this? Obviously, I can't ask the elementary counselor to work with Jessica. So, the next best alternative? Seek out a counselor, right? The real kicker here is that we don't qualify for this assistance. How crazy is that? Last summer I tried to jump through the hoops to check into counseling. I had my doubts as to what good it would do, but I'm at a point where I needed to try something. I need all the help I can get! Anyway, our insurance allowed 3 appointments to establish need. These appointments were preliminary, part of an employee assistance program... At the end of them, I'd see if I qualified to work with a counselor. So, I went to my 3 appointments. I talked, and talked. I listened to recommendations. And in the end? I was politely told that when my husband actually passes, then I'll qualify for assistance. Until then, I was on my own. Nice, right? :(
So, I need to figure out how to best help Jessica. I asked her if there was someone she'd rather talk to, or if there was someone she was comfortable. She said she likes talking to me best. I'm glad she is comfortable confiding in me, but how the hell am I supposed to help her? I don't have the answers to deal with this myself!!
And, when I'm consumed by all this, I wonder if the real killer in all this is the feelings of being in limbo... We're waiting. Waiting for the inevitable. And it's got us all trapped. I wonder if this would be better if we had closure. With the closure, we could pick up the pieces and work to move forward with life. It'd give us something to focus on and work toward. And in doing so, we'd finally have the support I think we need. How sick is that?
I don't wish for Forrest to pass. But, it's my reality. He will pass from this disease. Sooner than later. I watch him struggle. I watch him in pain. All the time. I watch him be sick from treatments. I've been watching this disease slowly eat away at my husband. I've watched this disease steal away his vitality, his strength, his energy. I've watched my children be hurt by this disease. I've watched the pain and sadness in their eyes and souls, knowing there's nothing I can do to take it away. I've watched this disease turn my life upside down, taking my family with... and there's nothing I can do to fix it. When I think of all the damage that has been done to my family, I wonder if we'd be better off with an ending than to continue to drag out the pain. :(
Ugh... I really do hate this... Every part of it...
I wonder how morbid it is that I asked my husband what music he'd want played at his funeral. I've talked with him about whether he'd want a church service. (In the end, we agreed his mom would really want one, so we decided which church.) I've explained my reasons for preferring creamation, and made sure that's okay with him. Some friends think we're at an advantage to have spoken about so many of these things, but really, there are so many more things that need to be talked about. So difficult bringing these things up, and facing these issues.
This week, my Jessica had a little melt down. She wants to know how Dad's really doing. Such a dangerous line to tread... I don't want to lie to her. I've always held firmly to that. But, I also don't want her consumed by worry. Certainly it would be founded worry, but I don't want it to take over her every thought. So, I gave her bits of information and she was satisfied with the answer, and didn't press for more.
But, do you know what really bothered me about my conversation with my daughter? As we're talking, she's sobbing... She starts to tell me how it drives her crazy that people ask her how her Dad's doing. I asked if it was adults or friends, and she said both. Jess said, "I'll just be walking along, having a good day, when Bam! Someone comes up to me and asks how Daddy is. Then that's all I can think about all day!" As I told Jessica she needs to tell people she'd rather not talk about it, and hopefully they'll stop asking, I thought to myself how people can be COMPLETE idiots!!!! Now, I guess I can't really blame the friends. They don't know any better, or probably don't realize what they are doing. But the adults? Why the hell would you ask a 12 year old girl how her dad is doing when you know damn well he's dying from cancer???? What on Earth could possibly make you think that's a good idea??? Ugh!
Another part of our conversation that bothered me was that Jessica says she hates talking to Mrs. Schmidt. Mrs. Schmidt is the guidance counselor at the middle school. I asked why she doesn't like it. Jess gave a couple reasons. One of them was that Mrs. Schmidt will call her to her office early in the morning. Jess ends up getting very upset and crying during these sessions. She says she hates having to walk around the rest of the day having her friends ask what's the matter, and why was she crying. Makes perfect sense! I told Jessica to talk to her and explain that and ask if she can come in at the end of the day instead. Seems like a reasonable request. Jess also said that Mrs. Schmidt doesn't do anything. Jess says she pours her heart out. Apparently all Mrs. Schmidt says in return is, "I can't imagine what you're going through." I understand why Jess is frustrated! I would be too! I asked if she felt that way when she worked with the counselor at the elementary school. Jess immediately said NO! I guess the counselor at the elementary school lost her mother to cancer. She's shared with Jessica about her experiences, and Jessica feels that connection that someone else knows and understands what she's thinking and feeling.
So, the really frustrating part of this? Obviously, I can't ask the elementary counselor to work with Jessica. So, the next best alternative? Seek out a counselor, right? The real kicker here is that we don't qualify for this assistance. How crazy is that? Last summer I tried to jump through the hoops to check into counseling. I had my doubts as to what good it would do, but I'm at a point where I needed to try something. I need all the help I can get! Anyway, our insurance allowed 3 appointments to establish need. These appointments were preliminary, part of an employee assistance program... At the end of them, I'd see if I qualified to work with a counselor. So, I went to my 3 appointments. I talked, and talked. I listened to recommendations. And in the end? I was politely told that when my husband actually passes, then I'll qualify for assistance. Until then, I was on my own. Nice, right? :(
So, I need to figure out how to best help Jessica. I asked her if there was someone she'd rather talk to, or if there was someone she was comfortable. She said she likes talking to me best. I'm glad she is comfortable confiding in me, but how the hell am I supposed to help her? I don't have the answers to deal with this myself!!
And, when I'm consumed by all this, I wonder if the real killer in all this is the feelings of being in limbo... We're waiting. Waiting for the inevitable. And it's got us all trapped. I wonder if this would be better if we had closure. With the closure, we could pick up the pieces and work to move forward with life. It'd give us something to focus on and work toward. And in doing so, we'd finally have the support I think we need. How sick is that?
I don't wish for Forrest to pass. But, it's my reality. He will pass from this disease. Sooner than later. I watch him struggle. I watch him in pain. All the time. I watch him be sick from treatments. I've been watching this disease slowly eat away at my husband. I've watched this disease steal away his vitality, his strength, his energy. I've watched my children be hurt by this disease. I've watched the pain and sadness in their eyes and souls, knowing there's nothing I can do to take it away. I've watched this disease turn my life upside down, taking my family with... and there's nothing I can do to fix it. When I think of all the damage that has been done to my family, I wonder if we'd be better off with an ending than to continue to drag out the pain. :(
Ugh... I really do hate this... Every part of it...
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