Epiphany...

I had a moment today when I realized there will come a time when I am all alone...  Now, this may not sound drastic to anyone else, but it almost sent me into a panic attack at the time!  (Perhaps it was the day...  I had 3 mild panic attacks.  First came when my children's school tried to call my cell.  Never good.  Second, my principal sent an email requesting a meeting with him Friday at 2:15.  Insert panic here!  After a bit of investigation ~ that means I confronted the principal and asked what the meeting was about ~ anyway, I was assured it was nothing to worry about.  Whew!  Third, was the alone panic...)

So, I sat at a meeting.  Not very exciting.  At the end of the meeting, there were a couple ladies talking about school work and when they usually leave.  These ladies typically leave work around 6:30-7:00 pm.  (I cut out at 3:15 on a very good day, 4:30 on a not so good day.)  As I gathered my things, I assured myself it was easier for them.  Their kids were grown and they had time to spare.  That's when it hit.

OH MY GOD!  When my kids are grown and leave home to start their own lives, I will be COMPLETELY and utterly ALONE.  No one to greet me at the door with smiles and kisses.  Not even bickering kids to greet me.  I'll come home to a dark, quiet house.  Where I will spend the night by myself.  Completely alone.  Every night.  Every day.  This totally freaked me out and almost sent me into a tail spin!  I don't think you can possibly have any idea what this did to me.  The black hole this left in my stomach was terrifying. 

I was, however, able to get myself under control in moments.  From the time it took me to walk from the media center, back to my desk, I had it under control.  (In case you're wondering, my classroom borders the media center.  It was a quick walk.)  I assured myself that even in the worse case scenario, my Benjamin would be my saving grace.  He's only 5.  Even if he moves out at 18, I have 13 years of company ahead before the "alone" sets in. 

Now, I plan to live much longer than 13 years, so there will still be plenty of alone time.  And I'd be lying if I said that didn't freak me out.  I just figured I have plenty of time before it happens, so I'll worry about it later.  :)  I can procrastinate with the best of 'em!  :)