I may regret this...

It's true.  I really may regret this...  I have a close cousin who is in a very bad place and wants to kill himself.  I just saw his post on Facebook.  "Put the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger..."  It pissed me off...  Before my sensible side could tell me otherwise, I fired off a message to his inbox.  Now, I sit back and hope.  I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way.  I hope he makes a better choice.  I hope he hears the love in my voice, even when I haven't always been able to be there.  Here's what I sent...  Before I let you read on, I should mention a quick thing...  I'm not as negative on God as I imply in this letter.  I do have questions.  My faith isn't as strong as my husband's.  At this point, my cousin is very negative and is lashing out on God.  If I went all "bible belt" on him, I don't think he'd listen to a word I'd say.  I'm hoping by leveling the playing field, there's a better chance he'll listen.

Hey Bugs!

It's been a while since we've had a chance to chat! Not that I don't care, rather, there's always too much going on. I hope you understand and forgive me for not keeping in touch!

Forgive me, again, for speaking my mind freely and openly... I'll never pretend that I think there's a God. I know that Forrest wishes I had a stronger faith. I think it would give him peace of mind, knowing he's dying. But, if there really is a God, why would he put people through the things he does? People always say, "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." What a bunch of bull! What if it does kill you??? And how about the other favorite people tell me. "God never gives you more than you can handle." Bullshit. If that were true, there wouldn't be suicide.

Which brings me to my point. It hurts me in a very personal way to think you'd consider ending your life. Forrest would give anything in the world for more time, and you're willing to throw it away so carelessly. It pisses me off, honestly. It makes me cry. I wish Forrest could have the life you're willing to throw away. I don't care about God and the repercussions of suicide.  That's not what this is about.  If you can, have a little respect for someone I thought you liked. Don't think about killing yourself. Re-direct and re-focus your energy. Killing yourself may seem like the easy way out. Perhaps you think no one cares anyway. Again, BULLSHIT!! I love you Ryan. Forrest does too. And, frankly, I'll be PISSED if you choose to take your life.

I realize you have a lot going on. I realize things look hopeless. I realize you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. We all have these feelings. Every single person feels this from time to time. I've been living a nightmare for the last 5 years. I struggle to make it through the days, and I can't sleep at night. I'm haunted by the images of someone I love being very sick. I'm terrified of raising 3 children alone. I worry the kids won't remember their Daddy, and I worry that seeing their Daddy die may permanently wound every fiber of their being. And, I'm the one who has to be here to try to pick the pieces up and keep going. I don't look forward to it, to say the least.

Ryan, I'm rambling on. I guess, if I leave you with nothing else, know I love you. I love you very much!! I have the sweetest memories of you growing up. I feel more like you're my little brother than my cousin. I haven't done a very good job keeping in touch, but that doesn't change the fact that I care and always have. I'd do whatever I could to help you out. One other thing I want you to know is that things will change. It's inevitable. You have to make a choice. You have to choose every day to find the good around you. You have to make the choice, again and again, to keep moving forward. Some days are harder than others, but you have to find it within you to keep going. Now, it's better if you do it for yourself. But, if you have to, start by doing it for Forrest and I. Try. Keep moving forward and trying to find the positives in life. Show Forrest the friendship you have means enough for you to give life another chance. Please.

Love,
Your older (and wiser! haha) sis,
Julie

The Limbo Dance!

So, Forrest is supposed to go in tomorrow.  Bloodwork, chemo...  The basics, right?  He's at work right now.  Just texted me that he doesn't want to go.  Said to re-schedule for another 2 weeks. 

I tried to ask him to at least go in for bloodwork.  He says it's a waste of time.  :(  Boo!  Now, I've never claimed to be a smart woman, but I'm smart enough to know I can't make him do anything.  In fact, the more I'd push, the more resistant he'll be. 

Is it bad that I really want the numbers??  We didn't get a CEA last time, because Forrest's blood wouldn't clot.  He didn't want to get poked again.  I was curious what tomorrow's number would be after 2 weeks of no chemo.  His numbers have been climbing.  A thought that scares me more than I'm willing to admit.  Yet, Forrest never seems to really care about it.  I really wanted to know how much of a difference this treatment off affected him.  :(  Oh well...

What a place to be, right?  Right, smack dab in the the middle of it all.  Yet, not really having an ounce of control over what is happening.  Yuck!  Not my favorite place to be. 

Let's see...  On a happier note, our state taxes were deposited into our checking account!  Now there is less worry that we'll bounce checks  before payday Friday!  Wait, is that a happy thought?  Or just depressing that we really were that close to bouncing?  I pick happy!  A nice surprise!  Now that we could afford to pay the co-pay tomorrow, we don't have to.  Looks like I'll have an extra day off!  I say I go spend the money I would have used on the co-pay on a new, fabulous pair of earrings!  Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!  It sounded like a good idea!  Lol!!  :)

Well, I'm going to sign off...  I have a website to check out...  I have a wonderful friend who knows I've never had a professional massage.  She sent me a gift certificate the other day!  How fun is that?  I'm going to go look at the website, see what they've got, and pretend I'd have time to get a massage this weekend!  :) 

Have a great night all!  :)

Phooey!

From fabulous to miserable.  Seems to be about par for the course, right?  I've been miserable since last night.  :(  Headaches are not uncommon for me.  I've always dealt with headaches and migraines.  Over the past five years, they've stepped up their game a bit.  Go figure.  I find that it's not longer if I have a headache, just how bad is that headache at any given moment.  Lately, I've been getting lovely little clusters of them.  They sweep in, incredibly intense, and hand around for about 4 days before finally letting up a bit. 

This one started last night.  I had hoped the headache was intensifying because I hadn't really eaten much during the day.  Today's misery proves that wasn't the case.  :(  I hate to take so many pills, but today I'm so very willing, in hope there may be some relief.  Guess I need to step up my game and do a better job at handling stress! 

Poor Forrest for having to deal with me.  I should be taking care of him, and yet he's been taking care of me trying to help in any way he can.  I'm a lucky woman!  :)  Hopefully this stretch passes quickly and the next cluster holds off a bit! 

Have a great night and a wonderful week!  :)

What a rewarding day!

It was a good one!  :)  Makes me smile as I think of the day.  It started off snuggling with Benjamin this morning.  (No work today!)  All day long, he insisted that he loved me more!  Whether he spread his arms wide to show me how much, or if he declared that he loved me from the Earth, to the moon, to the planets, all the way back to Earth!  I basked in his devotion and insisted that I loved him more!  Benjamin insisted I could only love him the same...  :)

Then, I had the opportunity to watch my beautiful daughter perform in a musical in front of her classmates.  I had conferences for Ben and Luke tonight, so I wouldn't be able to see her tonight.  I wanted to be sure to see the day-time performance.  She did such a wonderful job!  She's very natural on stage, and seems to enjoy herself!  :)  She didn't have as big a role as she would have liked, but she rocked in all she did!  :)  I snuck out at the end of the performance to grab the boys from school.  Jess got home about the same time we did.  She was puttering around, making sure she was ready for the evening performance.  She was still all "made up" when she came up to me.  She said, "Everyone says I look just like you when I look like this."  I laughed and said who's everyone?  She said all her friends told her that!  I laughed and told her she was beautiful.  A bit later she was watching me put on some eyeliner.  I peeked over and said I was sorry she was doomed to look like her mother!  I mean, who wants to think they look like their mom, right??  She looked completely shocked, and told me she thought she had never looked better in her life.  Makes my heart smile.  She's such a sweetheart!  :)

After a bit of scrambling, Jess got to school to get ready for her evening performance.  I grabbed the boys and headed to the elementary school for their conferences.  I was happy to hear what a wonderful job Benny is doing in pre-school!  Although he acted shy during the conference, his teacher assured me he does wonderful in class, and is a natural leader.  :)  We headed upstairs to Luke's conference.  We waited in the hall, only to find his teacher was running late.  Shoot!  I had hoped to catch some of Jessica's performance tonight!  As the teacher popped out to welcome the next set of parents, she apologized she was so late.  I told her it was no problem.  She asked if we were going to be late for anything.  I told her it was no big deal.  I tried to assure her it was all fine, but when she heard Jessica was in the musical and it had just started, she said Luke is a wonderful young man, and we could reschedule his conference.  Now, as a teacher, I hate to make someone do that!  She refused to take no for an answer, and suggested we meet tomorrow after school.  Yay!  I will still be able to meet with Luke's teacher, and I'll get to see Jess again!  What a wonderful surprise!  :)

The only downside to my day, was that Forrest was stuck at work and wasn't able to share it with me.  But, he is off tomorrow and off for the weekend!  :)  Looking forward to it!!  :)

Did I ever mention cancer sucks?

It does, it really does.  At this point in my cancer-related journey, I'm faced with conversations I don't want to have.  Thinking thoughts I don't want to think.  Saying things I don't want to say.  :(  It is extremely wearing.  I suppose on some scale, it's good that we've had the chance to say the things we need to say to each other.  But living in the moment can be very difficult. 

Sitting at the table, having lunch with Forrest...  Forrest mentions he really wishes there were some way I could go to school for nursing.  Frankly, there's no possible way I could go to school full time.  We'd never be able to afford it.  I couldn't afford not to work full time.  I also wouldn't be able to work full time, go to school full time, and manage the household.  I have a hard enough time managing the household now.  I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like adding the stress of going back to school. 

As I shrugged it off, Forrest casually mentioned maybe I'll be able to after he passes.  :(  I hate this train of thought, and yet it's something I consider more often than I'd like to.  I've also mentioned when Forrest passes, I may also be able to finally move south.  With the insurance on the house, it'll be paid off.  That would allow me to sell the house and move with a little money for a fresh start. 

It's difficult to consider what I'll be faced with after Forrest is gone, but it's also difficult not to allow those thoughts in my head.  In the long run, it's good that I know Forrest wants me to remarry someday.  (Although I have absolutely no intention of doing so, it's nice to know I'd have his blessing if I considered it.)  It's good that we are able to talk about what he'd want, or wouldn't want at his funeral.  It's good to know that we've talked about many of the little thoughts and worries I'll be faced with someday.  It's just frustrating to be in a place to be thinking of these things.  Oh well...  Keep moving forwarad, right?

And in the meantime, I'll enjoy what I have, and be thankful that I have so very much!  :)

This pic was taken in Oct. 2010, in Florida.  Our family had an opportunity to take a family vacation, thanks to the amazing people at the Dream Foundation!  :) 

What do you mean no snow day??

Last night, the storm settled in...  It rained, snowed, sleeted...  Wind whipped around, and ice pellets slammed into the windows.  As the temperatures dropped, everything glazed over and iced up.  Surprisingly, lightning bolts ripped through the blackened sky, and thunder roared as we put the kids to bed.  It was a crazy snowy, stormy evening...

Morning came, and my alarm went off.  Much to my dismay, there was no phone call in the morning.  No cancellation, no delay.  :(  Total bummer!  I figured I'd better not press snooze, as the roads were likely going to be bad.  :(  As I went out the Jeep, I looked out at the white blizzardy blanket with hope and frustration...  The plows went through.  Good that the roads would be better, but I still had to get through the end of my driveway.  I hopped in the Jeep and as I crept out of the garage, I looked to see  if there were any cars.  There were no cars on the street, on either side.  I figured if I went fast enough, I'd be able to plow through.  So, that's what I did!  No such luck...  I just ended up stuck at the end of my driveway.  I couldn't go forward or back.  :( 

I grabbed a shovel and cleared a path for my tires.  I walked back up to the garage to put the shovel away.  On my way back to the Jeep, I saw a snow plow...  coming full speed... right toward my driveway...  I cringed and tried not to yell at the plow guy for doing his job...  I think I could have kissed the man when he stopped at my neighbors driveway and lifted his plow.  He waved his hands and let me go through before plowing me back in the driveway!  What a wonderful man!

After an exhausting drive, I made it to work.  As the day progressed, the conditions in Oshkosh deteriorated quite at bit.  I left right after school.  Several colleagues had the same idea as me.  I scraped my windows and the cars beside and behind me.  I was about to hop in and drive away, when another teacher realized she was stuck and couldn't get out!  A few teachers were out by now, and another car was stuck as well.  We all worked together to push the cars in motion.  Snow sprayed everywhere, my feet were freezing, and my gloves were soaked!  But we were able to get both cars out!!!  Yay!!!  Luckily, the Jeep was able to maneuver through the snow without getting stuck!  :) 

I eventually made it hope to greet my 3 smiling children.  All in pajamas.  They had a snow day!!  So not fair!  Lol!  :)

All I can do now is think Spring, and wish I were living in a warmer state!!!  :)

The snowy view from my backyard...  :)

And I was so hopeful...

Another day in wintery Wisconsin.  From rain, to snow, to ice pellets raining down.  I really wish it warm up...  I despise the cold...  :(  Makes me feel crabby and icky... 

Along with the cold, comes the sickness.  Ben was in last week with strep.  Over the weekend, Jessica and Luke had sore throats and fevers...  A quick call and they're now being treated as well.  Did I ever mention I hate meds?  But, at least we got our 10 for $10!  Haha!  (For every 10 prescriptions we get a $10 off coupon.)  I think we get enough prescriptions to get a coupon each month.  :( 

I yearn for a time when the pharmacists will not know me by name, and I only stop in there occasionally for a random illness.  Perhaps someday... 

Frustrations...

Ugh!  One of those days.  You know how it is...  You find yourself snipping at the one you love, with no intention of doing so...  Now, I linger in the aftermath....  :(

I envy those who don't keep scorecards as part of their relationship.  I never thought we had, but I was called out on it very early this morning.  As it turns out, I'm significantly behind in the scoring.  I guess that's to be expected.  If I didn't realize there was a problem, it's difficult to fix it.  And, if I was the one being negligent, I guess it stands to reason I wouldn't have been noticing just how far behind I was.  Yick, yack, yuck!  I hate this! 

I'll try to be positive about it...  Just a breaking point between two people who are under a very extreme amount of stress.  Maybe it's the full moon's fault!  :)  Eh, it's my own fault...  Now I just have to pick up the pieces. 

It's the little things...

I laughed...  a deep, sincere laugh today...  It felt wonderful! 

The cause?  My five year old innocently tells his older brother, "I didn't slap you!  I high-fived your face!"  Not original to Ben, but perfectly time and executed!  Priceless!  :)

Balancing Act

So, for some reason, Dr. Seuss is swimming through my head.  One piece of a line in particular...  "And remember that life's a great balancing act."  I love Oh the Places You'll Go!  :)  And that line rings so true for me, at least it feels that way.

I feel as though I'm working to balance everything, a juggler of sorts.  Unfortunately, I'm not a great juggler!  I have a difficult time keeping all my balls in the air...  I think most come crashing down all around me...  I guess I need to work on my skills!  Lol! 

I balance all the sames things many other people do.  Working full-time, having a family and being a full-time mom, managing the household ~ cleaning, doing laundry, making meals, paying bills, dealing with life's little stressers.  All of these things are common for many of us.  So, why am I so ineffective in keeping all these things going?  Any answer I give to that feels like an excuse, and not really any good excuses at that...  Just me whining about my situation.  Blech! 

I need to find a better balance and do a better job!  The more balls I drop, the more Forrest worries.  He's got enough to worry about as it is...  He doesn't need to worry about me having a meltdown!  Though there are times when the thought of spending a week in bed would be very tempting!  Mmmm...  Even better, spending a week on a beach!  Warming in the sun, with a fruity drink in hand.  My fantasy!  A get-away all by myself.  Time to rest, relax and rejuvinate.  It would be wonderful, but is completely unrealistic!  I'd miss the kids too much, and likely spend the time worried that the family was missing and needing me.  Or, even worse, that they weren't missing or needing me! 

So, I continue on my path.  And I'll see what I can do to improve my juggling skills!  :)  Perhaps I should join a circus and get professional tips!  Haha!

Booooo!

Haha!  First, I have to laugh at you Eric!  You weren't supposed to notice this...  Lol!  My own fault for following your blog, I suppose!  :)

It's the crazy, and yet completely reasonable things that run through my head at any given moment that I notice...  I just wish the thoughts could have better timing with their arrival! 

I went to bed last night around 11:30, with Forrest.  He was exhausted, but unusually, I wasn't sleepy yet.  Yay for my Nook!  I can quietly read in the dark without waking Forrest!  :)  Shhhh!!  Don't tell him I got another book!   :)  So, I read til about 12:30 before thinking I better get some sleep, or I'll fall asleep on my 5th graders.  I turn off the book and doze a little.  Woke up at 1:00 with little nagging thoughts running thru my head.  Nothing critical at this point, but one of those little nagging ideas is that I didn't take time to journal yesterday.  Booo!  Eric finds a way to journal daily, some days more than once!  He adds cute little pics to his witty posts, and I didn't even take time to write! 

So, I was fully awake and reading about vampires around 1:30.  Reading fiction is my escape to another world.  I can watch someone else's life and adventures without worrying about my own.  It's my attempt to clear my head of all the silly thoughts running rampant!  Oh ya...  Back to 1:30am...  Benny wakes up, coughs a little and starts to cry.  Damn...  That can't be good.  I jump out of bed, amazed that I was awake to hear this, instead of pleasantly being medicated to sleep.  (I took the meds, the sleep just didn't come.)  Every question I asked Ben was answered by, "I don't know!" and tears.  Boooo!  Are you okay?  IDK.  Does your throat hurt?  IDK.  Are you going to throw up?  IDK.  What doesn't feel good?  IDK.  Why are you crying?  IDK.  Takes longer to type the questions than it took to ask them.  As I guided little Benny to the bathroom, I noticed he was burning up.  Big-time burning up.  Shit!  So, 102+ fever and Benny is miserable. 

After Benjamin is convinced he won't actually throw up, and his throat just hurts, I carry him to my bed.  I lay Ben down in the middle of my bed, and dash to get Tylenol, Advil, little sticky gel thingys that stick to your forhead to help with fevers, and anything else I can find that might help out my little man.  I pop back into the bedroom with an armload of "feel betters" and I find my mind wonder what the hell I'm doing.  Forrest can't handle being sick.  If he gets sick, we'll end up in the hospital.  Last time that happened he was actually even quarentined and I was allowed in only because I'd already been exposed.  Nurses had to put on full body armor just to come in the room!  What the hell am I doing putting a sick 5 year old next to my husband???  Do I have any brain at all? 

As I'm racked with guilt, I quickly ponder the alternatives.  Benny and I could shack up on the couches in the living room.  Not the most comfortable, but it could work.  I could try laying with Ben in his bed, but those Christmas lights he has hanging from the bunk beds are going to drive me crazy.  What am I doing worrying about lights driving me crazy for!  I need to do what's best for my little man!  And ya know what that is?  Cuddling him in "The Big Bed"...  I know in the bottom of my heart this is fully what he is expecting and there's no way he'll settle for anything else.  :(

At this point, Forrest is semi-concious.  He rubs Benny's head and covers him up.  I figure I should stop worrying about it.  Forrest obviously assumes Ben will be hangin' out in bed with us, and he's perfectly okay with that.  I should be too! 

So, I give Ben some Advil, put a strip on his head (as he complains that, "It's just too chilly!")  I pull the blankets up and tuck him in.  Benjamin is a goofy boy.  He's very tender hearted.  As he's laying in my bed, all snuggled up, his fingers wander to my face.  He apologizes for poking me in the eye and then proceeds to run his hot little fingers up and down my cheek.  I swear, even as I'm snuggling and trying to take care of him, he's trying to comfort me!  Silly, sweet 5 year old! 

Turns out it wasn't a night to get much sleep.  There were little moments that I dozed, but it didn't amount to anything meaningful.  It's difficult to get quality sleep when you're up every two hours...  I had to piggy back Tylenol and Advil every two hours to try to keep the fever at bay.  I was also swapping out the little gel fever reducer thingys every two hours, as Benny was burning through them. 

So, between taking care of my little man, and reading my book (I finished it!  Oops!), I realize there's no way Forrest will be able to get off work, and I have to go to school in the morning...  After all, I have the teacher's manual for Math in my school bag.  Oops!  I call to let the principal know I'll have to do a half day today and will need a sub for the afternoon, so I can take care of my little Benny.  Woo hoo!  Gotta love teaching a room full of 5th graders with maybe an hour-ish of sleep!  :)  Actually, the teaching doesn't bother me a bit.  It's the drive too and from school that worry me.  You know, the same drive I've done every day for years.  The long (well, only 35 minutes), monotonous drive...  This down time is my downfall.  This is when I'll feel tired and strain to keep my eyes open.  You'll be happy to know I made it there and back without dozing a bit!  :)

So, I'm rambling...  Forrest took Benjamin to the doctor.  Waited and waited to get in to see the doc.  Ben threw up in the waiting room.  (I can only imagine the fun in that!)  And, found out he has strep throat.  I grabbed his meds, some popsicles, yogurt, Jello, and anything else I thought might go smoothly down that little throat.  My man has been sleeping on and off for the afternoon.  (My eyes might have shut for a moment or two when he was laying on my lap...)  Hopefully he'll be feeling better soon, and no one else gets sick!  :)

Perspectives

So, how is it two people can go to the same places, talk to the same people, and come away with completely different perspectives?  Well, I guess my perception would be skewed if I had poison pumped into my body on a regular basis at this same location, by those same people. 

Forrest absolutely detests the cancer center.  I have to drag him there each and every time he has an appointment.  Literally.  And yet, I look forward to it!  I love going there.  Forrest walks in and the smell gives him an instant headache.  Smell?  There's a smell?  Hmmm...  He looks at the cookies the sweet old ladies bring around and has to fight the urge to throw up. 

I look at the cancer center as a chance to meet with friends...  I know the nurses by name and have become good friends with a few over the past 5 years.  So much so, that we make a point to hang out with each other outside the office!  :)  And these ladies all adore him!  They cater to his every whim!  The doc's assistant will bring him suckers.  One of the nurses found Jelly Beans a month ago and brought him a little baggie the day of his appointment, just because Fo said he was craving them.  He seriously has them wrapped around his finger.  The crabbier he is, the harder they try!  It's crazy!  Even the doc has warmed up.  He understands and doesn't question Forrest's decisions.  He respects our opinions and cracks jokes along with us at the office.  I mean really, what's not to like?

Today, Forrest was exceptionally crabby.  I started getting texts from the nurses saying he wasn't even smiling.  I laughed and said beware.  When we get called back to the little room to wait for the doc, a nurse says she's going to keep guard on the door to make sure he's not sneaking out.  5 minutes later, a note slides under the door.  It says, "I'm watching you!  Smile! :)"  I giggle.  Forrest takes the paper and writes, "I'm not here anymore."  He tells me to shove it back out the door.  They proceed to pass notes back and forth.  I'm giggling every time I read a note, and we can hear the nurse giggle in the hall when she reads Forrest's notes.  How do you not love this? 

And, Forrest can get away with ANYTHING!!!!  A while back, one of the ladies gave Forrest some Nerds to munch on.  Left over candy from something...  He starts throwing Nerds at the nurse.  Really, I'm not kidding.  Any time the nurse came within range, he threw Nerds.  And how did the nurse respond?  When she found out he was craving chocolate chip cookies (apparently the Nerds weren't enough), she roamed the hospital looking for cookies.  She brought him back two packages and asked if that was enough! 

I wonder how Forrest is not loving this?  How can he possibly not want to come here?  Oh yeah...  He's having chemo pumped into his body this whole time!  :( 

I know we're lucky to have the quality care we get.  I know it's not the case for everyone.  It's not even the case for everyone working with these same nurses and doctors.  Perhaps it's that I waddled into the offices every two weeks when I was pregnant...  As my belly grew, the nurses became more enamored.  They nicknamed the baby.  Woody, of course...  If Daddy is Forrest, they figured we needed a Woody.  We still get Woody toys (from Toy Story).  So, there was this young guy coming in for treatments.  He didn't talk much to anyone, but his wife blabbed non-stop.  Giggling at silly jokes in the office and laughing at the nurses as they tried to get Forrest to smile.  Eventually, my belly grew so big, the baby had to come out.  The nurse's affection only grew as a 2 week old baby came to visit the cancer center!

Anyway...  My point.  I know we're lucky.  Incredibly lucky to have the care and attention we get on a regular basis.  If Forrest is particularly sick, the nurses will call to check in on us at home.  We can call or text anytime.  Whether to discuss results, appointments, or to make a ladies night date for dive bar night!  :)  Always a silver lining, right?  Crappy treatments, but cool people!  :)

So, another treatment?

Haha!  One would think so!  All the stars were aligned.  I had arranged the day off.  I had someone wathcing Ben.  The appointment was made.  We just needed to get there!  Have you ever tried dragging a 250ish pound man out of bed?  Good luck with that.  Not only is he tired, he just flat out does NOT want to go.  End of story. 

In Forrest's defense, he was battling a nightmare headache and was throwing up last night.  Why would you want to go do something the next day that will only make you feel worse?  So, being the witty person I am, I dragged Forrest from bed.  I put him in the shower.  (Already 15 minutes late for the appointment at this time.)  And, I texted on of his nurses.  (Allow me to interject here!  How nice is it to have personal numbers for several of his nurses?  :))  Anyway, I asked if there was anyway he could get in a little later, as Forrest was being difficult this morning.  She got back to me with two options...  12:45 or 1:15.  Perfect!  I went to tell Forrest the good news, but he said no, he'd go now.  He was already up.  Ug! 

A few texts later, I assured the lovely nurse that we would be on our way asap.  Ha!  45 minutes late for the appointment we strolled in...  (That sounds nice, right?  A casual stroll in the sun!  More like hobbling up to the doorway, because Fo's legs and ankles have been hurting so bad...)  We register and wait to have blood drawn.  We wait.  And wait...  Finally, Fo says we're leaving in 5 minutes.  I sneak off a text to warn the nurses, and just like that, Forrest is called back to have blood drawn.

Yada, yada, yada the next parts are similar to anyone who has been in a doctor's office, right?  Doc comes in, chats, does all their doctor things, and goes.  This time we were interrupted, though.  A nurse popped in to say Fo's blood wasn't clotting in the gold tube.  I groan.  Same story as the last several minutes.  This means they can't get a tumor marker on Fo.  She asks about getting a new sample, and I'm all ready to volunteer Forrest over to the nurse.  Then she says, but he doesn't have his needle in.  What?   What do you mean?  You draw blood from the port.  The needle stays in to deliver the lovely chemo drugs.  Why is there no needle?  Doc and I look at Forrest and he announces he's not getting treatment today.  He feels too crappy.  He's puking, tired, sore and his liver is swollen. 

Now, I have to say, I'm okay with Fo not getting treatments.  I'm not the one getting poison pumped into my body.  Who am I to say what he should or shouldn't do?  My only frustration is that I found out about it at this moment...  He could have told me at any time...  When he came back from getting blood drawn ~ with no needle, he could have told me.  Or maybe while we were in the little room waiting for doc to show up?  Another great option.  Ugh.  Now I'm just whining. 

So, we wait another 2 weeks.  We'll go back in and see how Forrest is feeling.  We'll decide then if he'll do a treatment that day.  Doc actually seems to think it's a good idea, as he has a lot of protein in his urine, and his liver is, in fact, swollen.  It's swelling enough that it can be felt about 2-3 inches below his rib cage.  Perhaps a little time off will give Forrest's body the opportunity to recover.  A girl can hope!

The back story...

Well, I've been told I should journal to express what I'm feeling and vent to release stress.  Now, realistically, I have no idea that this will work.  But, I do enjoy the thought of putting my thoughts out there.  It doesn't matter to me if anyone reads it.  The purpose is just to get my thoughts out...  While I could certainly just journal in Microsoft Word, I always fear that my husband would see something.  He carries enough guilt, he doesn't need to see when I am feeling down, or to know I'm down as a result of his illness!  I also don't pretend to be a good writer!  Rather, I'm certain I'm not!  My thoughts are too chaotic and I tend to ramble...  on and on and on...  :)  So, I'll blog...  For now...  We'll see where it goes!

So, I sit here tonight...  Feeling icky...  Tomorrow is a chemo day.  Forrest, my husband, will endure yet another chemo treatment.  His body has been poked, prodded, tortured and mutilated for over 5 years.  Forrest was diagnosed with cancer in Nov. 2005.  Colo-rectal cancer.  He went in for surgery the next day, the day before Thanksgiving, and had a foot of his large intestine removed.  As they opened him up, they saw the tumor had eaten its way through his intestinal wall and was attaching itself to his abdomen.  This is why Forrest felt pain.  As matter moved through his intestines, it was also seeping at the open wound, causing infections.  Yick.  Unfortunately, at that time, they also saw Forrest had tumors in his liver.

I was about 6 months pregnant with our third child, when I found out my husband had stage IV cancer.  As bad as it can get.  As I broke down and cried after talking with the doctor, my mother started to yell at me.  (This is nothing new.)  She told me to stop crying, to knock it off, and that I had to think about the baby.  (I had miscarried the previous pregnancy.)  I tried to assure my mom that I wasn't "losing it" and that I would be okay.  But I found myself snipping at her.  Who was she to say I couldn't cry over my husband?  Did she have any idea what it felt like to be in my position?  I had two children and a baby on the way.  I just found out my husband had cancer and it was spreading.  The realization that I wouldn't have all the time I wanted with him was terrifying. 

I remember arguing with my mother that she had no right to tell me not to cry.  I was facing some serious crap here!  And she had 30+ years with her husband.  Her children were grown and raised, and having children of their own.  How could she possibly know how I was feeling and what I was going through?  How could she have the nerve to tell me not to be upset?  Soon after, the surgeon told me he was confident my husband had 6 months to live.  What a terrible feeling to think my husband had so little time.  He would barely know our baby.  He'd miss so much in the raising of our children!  :(  I was devastated.

Eventually, we were able to meet with the oncologist.  As we began to ask questions and try to figure things out, the oncologist informed us he didn't consider Forrest terminal!  A light at the end of the tunnel!  A much welcomed ray of hope! 

Soon after, Forrest began chemo treatments.  I watched as poison was pumped into my husband.  I watched him get more and more sick.  The side effects were terrible for him.  I was living a nightmare, watching what he was going through.  I could stand by, get his meds, ensure he was taking anti-nausea meds.  But I couldn't take the pain and sickness away.  All I could do was watch... 

After 6 long months of chemotherapy, my husband underwent another surgery.  This time on his liver to try to remove the lesions.  I'd like to say that from this point on things started to look up for us.  But, our battle was only beginning. 

We never really got control of the cancer.  Tumors continued to grow in Forrest's liver.  New lesions came, old lesions started to grow again.  Forrest had more tests, more procedures, more surgeries and more treatments to try to cure this disease.  And yet, the cancer grew.  Eventually, the cancer spread to Forrest's lungs.  Statistically, he has less than a year to live.  That being said, Forrest has lived longer than a year from when we found tumors in his lungs.  I'm thankful for each and every day we've had. 

At this point, Forrest is doing a pill-based form of chemo to try to slow the progression of the disease.  Surgery is not an option at this point, as too much of his lung would have to be removed.  There are 10 tumors in his lungs, as well as tumors in his liver.  The outlook is not good, realistically.  We are trying to buy time, at the expense of my husband feeling well.  At some point, I know we'll have to make a decision to make the most of the time, and we'll have and stop treatments.  I know this to be true, and I will support my husband whole-heartedly when he decides he's had too much.  I can say this because I also know how hard it is to watch the pain in my children's eyes.  The pain that winds its way through every fiber of our being.  The pain of seeing Daddy sick, yet again.  The pain of knowing Daddy would give anything to be able to spend quality time with our children, yet, finds himself unable to get out of bed some days.  I've seen the pain reflected in my children's eyes, as well as in their tears.  My heart has broken, right along with my children.  There will come a time when we want to try to make the most of the time left, and not deal with the side effects the chemo causes.  Quality of life becomes more important than quantity at some point.  And there's no guarentee that we are increasing the amount of time left anyway. 

Well, perhaps I've rambled long enough.  You have enough back story right?  Should you need more, just let me know!  :)